I don't want to live my life

Before I start, yes, I am working my issues with a mental health professional.

I’ve recently started to have thoughts about suicide. They have always been a normal thing, since I was diagnosed with depression about 5 or 6 years ago. I’ve been living a horrible and painful life since then. I’ve experienced two of the most painful breakups I could ever have thought about, and honestly I don’t know what to do anymore. My life overall has been very slow and painful, days feel like weeks, weeks feel like years, you know the deal.

It hurts just to breathe and eat, I can’t look in the mirror anymore, I broke almost every mirror in my room. I’ve started wearing a mask in school, sometimes a scarf when it’s cold, but I still cover my face with it. It makes me feel so much comfortable.

I talked to several professionals, and friends of course, and honestly I don’t I’ll live past 17 years old (I’m16 right now, I’ll be 17 in January). I don’t really like to do anything, almost all my hobbies have turned painful. Not only that, but I also hate school and don’t want to attend anymore, I’ve come to despise people in general…

I’ve been buying stuff to get myself out of this world, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.

What are your thoughts? What should I do?

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Here is a video reply to your post :slight_smile:

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Hi there, I just want you to know that I feel your pain and I relate to you in the sense about the mirrors. I hate seeing myself in mirrors. When I was about your age and noticed I started turning bad doing destructive things to myself and others in different ways, and hanging around the wrong types of people due to the fact that people bashed on me for being a good person. We live in a society where people don’t cherish or support the good and somebody till it’s too late. I had trouble with relationships in high school. The two people I cared about most didn’t want to be with me because again, too nice. The one person that saw anything in me I didn’t want to have anything to do with. I couldn’t see the good and others because I started to lose the sight of good in myself. I later had a relationship a couple years after high school or someone told me. How can I be with you if you don’t even love yourself, you surely can’t love me. To which my response is I don’t have to love myself. It’s okay if I love others. It still means I can love. Now I’m older and stuck in a different kind of a shoe, after my crazy life, I somehow managed to be successful by finding a wonderful partner with two kids and suddenly we had a daughter together. My daughter is six, I have recently lost all of them due to what I have discovered through much thought over the past 4 months, my neglect on myself and as much as I thought I was doing for others and I thought I was going to be okay. It ended up backfiring on me in the end. To shorten an even longer story, I’m facing prison possibly now and not seeing my daughter ever again. I feel like everyone hates me and I most of all hate myself and once again I find myself in the shoes of my 17-year-old self. I guess the only thing I can say is if somehow you can focus on just the things that you like and not so much the importance of others in your life. People will come to you because you cherish your life and they see the great care you take in yourself. That will attract the people that you want to have in your life, not the people you think should be in your life. I spent all my life till now trying to acquire the people I wanted in my life and they were good while they were here but then life happened and now they’re all gone. The ones that are here are the ones I didn’t expect literally like four And at that I hate burdening them with my trouble. That’s why I’m on this site. Also. I just want you to know that you’re not alone out there and please don’t give up. I’m trying not to give up as well. I wear masks in public too to hide myself and I only go out at night. The things I loved to do I’m having trouble doing. I love to cook. I can’t even cook for myself anymore because it’s painful. Like you said, things I loved are now painful. I feel like there’s so much more I could tell you. I just want you to know I know what it feels like to prepare yourself to leave this world buying things and whatnot, writing things preparing yourself and others for the departure. I will be thinking of you. You remind me of myself. I just wish somebody would have told me these things when I needed the most. Now I find myself finding these things. I’m learning in the situation I’m in and all I do is kick myself in the ass for it. Why couldn’t I just have eyes big enough to see it and yours big enough to hear when I was struggling so much before. How could I avoid all this, well if I can tell you at least I can tell somebody. Hopefully it matters. Please take care of yourself. You are number one. The rest will fall in place. The world is a hurtful place when you focus all your energy on making others happy. I wish I had the resources and the strength to just focus on my self when I was your age and not worry about making others happy cuz at the end of the day all I have is myself. I know you don’t no who I am and I don’t know who you are but I want you to know that I love you. Please don’t give up. Sincerely, your friend in another place.

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Hello Naaro,

Thank you so much for reaching out to us <3

Your story definitely touched me, since I’ve been down that road you’ve been. I’m glad you’ve been talking to professionals, because that’s a huge step to take. I can tell you want to truly get the help and I’m incredibly proud of you for doing so.

I know you’ve mentioned you talked to several, have they given you any resources or advice on what next steps would be or any possible action plan? I know everyone is different, but that’s key to getting on that road to recovery as well. I don’t know where your located but are there any other type of places for mental health recovery that you can try to go to as well? They may be able to provide other types of treatment too.

I do want you to know though that you are loved and appreciated! You may not see it, I know I didn’t until after I had my suicide attempt and I didn’t think that many people cared at all, but they did. My mind was just too clouded to even see what was there and what wasn’t there.

No matter what, we are here 24/7/365 for any support or if you just need someone to listen. Please keep us updated on your journey <3

Hello Friend, Welcome to HeartSupport and Thank you for your post.
I want to start with letting you know that you are seen and heard here. Depression is brutal and the feeling that you can never escape is a frightening one and I am so sorry you are having to live with this. You are seeing a professional so thankfully you are aware that there is help out there and there is no limit on who or how much help you can ask for so please never stop, you havent mentioned your family or your parents? are they available to you? You are still so very young and relying on the aide of your family and friends is somthing that we all need to do to get by at that age, life can be hard to work through.
As for ending your life and not making it past 17, I used to have the same thoughts and now im 50. Friend, you have lived less than a quarter of your natural life and you have sooo much more ahead of you, there is no reason at all that most of that cant be good, cant be happy and fullfuling, you deserve all of that and its possible. Please think about that and please keep posting if it helps. You are loved and treasured here. Lisa. x

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