Hey. It’s been quite a while since I’ve actually posted here. I have something on my mind again.
I’m a VERY impulsive person. I do things without thinking and often end up hurting myself or others in the process of it. This has become more and more of an issue the older I get. Seeing as I’m in high school, I have easier access to drugs. My school is a hotspot for drug use. The majority of the kids at my school smoke or drink or do some form of drugs because we have really easy access to it.
Me, being stupid and impulsive, keep having the urge to get something, anything, to use. And I know that I shouldn’t, because I’ve dealt with addiction in the past, and it was such a bad part of my life I can barely think about it without breaking down. But some part of me wants to go back to that. Y’know the trauma thing where you want to go back to the situation, even though its upsetting? (Unless thats just a me thing). It’s that. I just want to keep going back to it. To keep feeling like that even though it felt horrible.
But when I thought about what was happening to my ex friend. How he spends all his money on drugs, and is constantly high. When I think about that I just cry. And It’s not because I feel bad for him, it’s because I know that I could have ended up where he is. I could have repeated what happened to my mother and I don’t want to be that person.
Something about it is so tempting and the more I think about it the more I want to do it. I guess that makes it a good thing that I’m so sheltered. I don’t get out of the house much and when I do I’m pretty much heavily monitored (I know that in itself isn’t healthy but at least I don’t get drugs).
But that also has its downside as well because the last time i was desperate for a high I used anything I could find in the house. I’m talking air fresheners, hair spray, empty whipped cream cans, nutmeg, OTC medicines, you name it, i used it.
I don’t know what to do because I dont know if my will power is strong enough. I don’t want to end up like I was 2 years ago…