I don't want to

Living feels wrong, it feels like hell. Being punished on every action you take, either by someone or your self. Failing to stop an addiction after only a day because for some reason your brain decides its fine. I can’t stop hating myself and even more because I want to change but I can’t. I try and try and can’t, hating life every time even more because it feels like nothings in my control, once you’re 18 you’re expected to work for the rest/ the best parts of your life. Whats the point? To find love? To live? Why live if you can’t actually live. Why love if you can’t love yourself enough to love. (I wanna live, I wanna love, but I can’t)

Hi @Zhylis,

Thank you for sharing what’s going on in your mind right now. It is not always easy to do this but you actually found the courage to be here.

You’re right, living feels like hell sometimes. You have to go through important events, sometimes very heavy, and you can get discouraged very quickly. That feeling that nothing is going in the right direction, to feel trapped, to feel like a spectator of this world when one wishes to live deeply, to laugh, to cry and to feel like everyone else can be really hard to manage.

But even if these feelings are strong and painful, I would like to emphasize the fact that you are an integral part of this world at this very moment. You are not outside of the world nor of life. You are filled with good will, desire for better and even if it may seem unbearable at the moment, these feelings will pass.

When you’re struggling with an addiction, the path of healing is rarely a straight line. There are often relapses and that’s part of the process. Each relapse makes you stronger even if you don’t see it right now. Every time you try again is worthwhile because there’s always a moment when you will be able to move forward a little more. Step by step, day by day. A relapse doesn’t make you a failure. It just shows that you’re actually fighting to live in better conditions, in conditions that you deserve. It shows that you’re trying and that you’re really brave.

At first you may fall the first day. Then one day it will be the second, then the fifth … You keep going on by reaching different stages. You go back and forth and you always go on a little more on your healing process. This is why it’s important to acknowledge the fact that relapses can happen, or not, but also to not be drowned by them. You have to fight against relapses, but also to learn how to forgive yourself when it happens. Do not lose sight of what you are fighting for.

You want to live, you want to love. That’s what matters. Friend, you are living right now and you are so strong. I truly admire you for your determination and your courage. Yes, you deserve better living conditions, where you might not have to go through all that. But I believe in you. You can overcome that.

Much love, and take care.

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Hey friend, let me just say that no matter how much you struggle with loving yourself; you are completely and infinitely loved anyways. The struggles you are facing are all in your head, and you have power over them. You are never too late to start living, and I understand that once you become an adult everyone expects you to know what to do and how to do it. But it’s fine if you don’t, everything will come right on time. And you’ll be okay. I believe the point of life is to love and serve people, but it’s up to you whether or not you find a purpose for your life. Everyone has one, a purpose and a calling. But make sure you take care of yourself first.
Glad you’re alive, friend.
Hang in there.