I am having the most bittersweet situations going on and all of it is leaning more to bitter than sweet. I love my career and it’s because of the people I work with. We all share the same stress. Well, it’s getting so overwhelming and making me want to quit most days. Yesterday I didn’t even go to work since I cried so much at work on Monday. I do telecommunications and it’s for a very sensitive program. Usually I would not say for what it is, but since I am not giving anyone’s information or the exact programs, I guess I can at least say I take calls for cardholders of different programs. I take one program more than the others and this particular program has some very hateful people. These people tell me I do not know what it means to struggle, that I am trying to keep their funds from them, call me names and call me incompetent.
It hurts because these people do not know my struggle. I even told a person today that I am as frustrated as they are because we get little information like they do and I apologized, and still he attacked me saying I’m just reading a script and that nothing I said was sincere. It’s sad because I had exhausted every resource for this guy because of his age, but it was out of my hands. These calls are starting to depress me (well it’s not a start anymore, I am depressed), but I cannot just quit because I have four mouths to feed which does include myself. To really be honest, and I can only say this here, I’ve tried sabotaging my job so I can be fired, but ironically I’ve been promoted twice and this time to a supervisor who still takes calls of irate callers. Funny, right? They said I handle the calls of irate callers perfectly and they could really use my help. I’m a sucker because I accepted the promotion because of course it pays more and I have a hard time saying no to my work family.
Each day at 3:30pm EST, I get so excited because the workday is over, but that excitement only lasts through the car ride home. I get home and I immediately have to hear bad reports about my children (even if it’s not really bad which that’s the case mostly for my 9y/o). Then I have to deal with my daughter’s outrageous tantrums and how ornery she is. I hate saying it because it sounds so messed up as a mother, but she is flat out my worst behaved child right now. And no amount of consequences phase her. I mean I get it because she’s only two, and I hate comparisons but this truly applies; I can look at other people’s two year olds and the difference is major. I don’t see their children throw tantrums or hit others. I’ve even seen timid quiet two year olds.
She only hits her brothers, but today she threw dirt in a little girl’s face and hair and in the store she ran around and threw herself on the floor. Usually I put the twins in a cart, but I needed them to burn some energy. Her twin brother only ran around, but then back to me. In the car she was screaming bloody murder and I am positive other drivers could hear her.
I am so exhausted and I constantly think about running away from my life or I look up vacation plans I cannot afford. I know these are regular life problems, but why must it depress me or make me doubt that I can handle it any longer? Why do I actually feel incompetent in my job and in motherhood? Why do I dread getting up each day?