I failed and I'm the only one to blame

[Loveinflyleaf]

I spent over half of last year earning my credential to become an EMT. I spent the majority of this year trying to get a job and facing a lot of rejection. I finally landed a job that I thought was an answer to prayer because everyone was so nice and it was so close to home. Before a company throws you in to start working you have to go through a week with a Field Training Officer (FTO) to teach you basically how to function as a EMT. Everything was so new and I was so anxious of failing that it became a self fulfilling prophecy. My FTO was honestly one of the nicest persons I have ever met but at the end of the week he told me that he didn’t think I was ready to work on my own and I agreed with him. What makes this so much worse is that I know I know how to do the job it but my own anxiety got in the way and I froze. I have no one to blame but myself.

Even my FTO said that I have a lot of potential I just need to work on getting out of my own head and being confident. The same night I was told I didn’t pass I was driving home from work and witnessed a car accident and was the first responded on scene and called 911. While I was waiting for fire and police to show up and took control of the scene, made the necessary medical assessments and handed off care to the on duty EMTs when they arrived. I called my FTO afterwards and he said that I did everything right and if I had only shown that same confidence while I was working I probably would have passed. He said that this was probably a good experience for me. He keeps telling me not to be frustrated with myself because this is my first EMS job but I’m honestly so mad that I let my anxiety get in the way of doing my actual job right.

He told me that he thinks It would be good for me to get extra training but through a new FTO. He was going to ask our manager if that could be set up for me. I’m now waiting to get a call back from my manager to see if I’ll get a second chance or if I loose my job. I’m on my 4th day of waiting because of the weekend and labor day and I am not doing good at all. Friends and family have been trying to encourage me by telling me that no matter what happens God has a plan and purpose for it all. While I know that’s true I just don’t feel like hearing it. I’ve been trying to pray that I’ll get that second chance but I’m not doing a good job at being hopeful at the moment. I don’t have the brain power at all right now to think of what I would do if I loose my job. I have failed at almost everything I’ve tried to do scene I graduated high school almost 4 years ago and this job finally felt like an answer to prayer.

This time period of waiting I feel fiscally sick from anxiety. I’m tired and spent and like I don’t know what to do. I’ve been attached to my phone because I don’t want to risk missing a call from my manager. I’m struggling to get my school work done for my college classes and have been stress eating a lot. Working in Emergency Medicine is one of the only things I’ve ever wanted to do. If I get let go now and have to start to looking for a new job I’ll have to explain to every potential employer that I didn’t pass field training due to a lack of confidence. Who is going to employ anyone that gets fired after failing training?! This makes me so mad because people who know me would say I’m a confident person but I don’t know why I wasn’t at work. I’m so done with everything right now.

[agoraphobicdl]

I know its hard to not know when things are up in the air i my self have been like that for the last few months not knowing what was going ot happen and when. I have the oposite issue i am super confident going in to a job but the long im at a job the more anxious i get and the less sure of myself. Even though i know what im doing. It when you get in your own head that things start to go wrong. I find stopping taking a deep breath in to you diaphram and slowly letting it out and then focus your thoughts and just make a decision. It may be right it may be wrong but making the decision and moving forward is the only way we make progress.Start with little things and try working your way up to the bigger ones. I hope you get another chance. I know how training and the real thing goes I cant explain it but when your in the situation its like a switch goes off in your head and you are able to handle the it. Just from your message i feel like you can handle yourself. So if it count you have my vote of confidence.

[ajtheramos]

You made it through the EMT program, congratulations! That’s quite an accomplishment. I too have dealt with imposter syndrome and self-sabotaging myself. I had an interview for a design studio that I really really wanted to work for. I was winning the room and acing all their questions.

Then the Social Media Manager asked me one final question and…I could “feel” the energy in the room change. There was this awkward silence and that’s when I knew - I had lost the interview. I had failed. Other than a rejection email, I didn’t hear back from the studio . And that hurt.

I didn’t want to design for quite some time so I took a break and focused on myself. I focused on myself and started my own studio. Being my own boss is great and I have never looked back.

Here’s the takeaway: Imposter Syndrome is a sadistic self-sabotaging game humans like to play on themselves because we feel we aren’t worthy or our accomplishments don’t mean squat. But that’s not true.

Think of all the sacrifices and little things you had to do to become an EMT. Therapy can help you overcome those roadblocks and find out what’s holding you back. I know it’s tough because you have been working over half of last year for your credentials but maybe take a break from the Emergency field. Give yourself a chance to reflect on your journey, get a fresh perspective, and acknowledge your accomplishments.

[Loveinflyleaf]

I don’t think I’m ready right now to take a step back from the emergency field right now but I defiantly had a strong case of Imposter Syndrome. I kept psyching myself out thinking that I wan’t a real EMT compared to the people training me and again that was all my own doing. I’m hoping that if my manager dose give me a second chance with a different training officer it could be like starting off on a clean slate. Idk my thoughts have been racing non stop scene Friday and I feel so emotionally exhausted.