I feel alone and angry, nobody would care if i died

Im new here and definitly new at this, sharing feelings and such. So forgive me if im all over the place or if it seems like whining. It seems like nobody cares about me or all they do is disrespect me. A lot of The scattered friends i made over the years that may have turned out different, died. Ive lost 10 friends, 3 of which i considered best friends and held thier hands in the hospital as they died. My pastor (father figure) who let me stay at his house to shield me from abuse(probably the only reason i turned out to be a good person) grand parents ect…so maybe this has a part to do with my problem i dont know, but people talk and smile when they are forced to but as soon as they have some distance, i am always the one who has to initiate talking and its usually short answers. Some people, you can almost see it on there face when your talking to them that they just have no intrest in you or like there is something wrong with you. This started when i was really young too. I remember even in first grade the whole class was on one side of the room and i was in a corner by myself. Its been that way ever since. maybe even a lil worse due to stuff happening in my life. Mostly the only people i talked to growing up were my teachers. I was in a new school every half a year to a year do to my mom being irresponsible, so that didnt really help me in a social sense. I tried not messaging or calling anyone to see if anyone would try to contact me. Got nothing. I could go for years and not hear from anyone. Im at a point now where ive just given up. I dont leave the house much and i dont really talk to anyone. Its the same with my family. They are ok as long as they get thier way. They just expect you to take the abuse, which was extensive, for example, one of my step fathers beat me with a 2x4 across the back everyday so i wouldnt feel pain when i fought and “beat” the respect out of people. This went on for years. Hit me i. The face with a shovel when i was 10 and screwed up my teeth pretty bad ect… There were other abuses that i will spare you as well. But anyways, when u stand up for yourself, you are the bad guy. And they havnt talked to me for years cause i stood up for myself and i wont go to THEM and apologize just for saying i deserve respect. I dont know what ive done to deserve not having friends and people that care about me enough to stay in touch. Im a good person and i care about everyone. Im not a douche or use people or anything. I have been used and abandoned by just about everyone in my life. I had a girlfriend for a while a couple years ago for example, who turns out was using me for money and i came home excited to make her dinner and found everything in my house was stolen. That kinda thing happened to me over and over. Not the stealing part but that level of heartbreak. Pretty messed up. Another example is ive been at a job for the past 6 1/2 years and talk to people and they act like they care. But ive been out for months on disability due to a serious heart condition, and i havnt heard from one person. NOT ONE. Nobody cares if im dead or alive. Not even my own mother. Im not sure if its a vibe ive always put out there or a personality thing. I just wanted someone to actually care about me. Im not sure what im expecting by writing this and letting all this out after all this time, but Im sorry for the long winded rant. im just about to give up and call it quits and at least someone will know me, and some of the stuff ive been through maybe will make someone else feel like they are not alone.


I think most people feel as you do sometime in their life, and when I was a teenager I surely felt that way. I didn’t think I’d ever get a girlfriend I didn’t really have any regular friends and it went that way for quite some time. Then I did something which seems quite obvious but sometimes isn’t and wasn’t to me I just go out in public such as to a coffee shop or whatever and find someone to talk to me or vice versa almost every time and I have at least two friends that I got in this fashion both of them like me, and, bonus, they had friends who also like me and it just sort of ramped up that way. Getting out in public is the only way get what you want in this area. I will pray for you and I hope that you will go out and just mix it in with people and I’m positive that you’ll find somebody who you can have as a friend if not 24/7 at least sometime during the week God bless Jim