This is my second time posted on this group. Last year I had some medications that caused me severe depression, suicidal thoughts, rage, paranoia, memory problems, and many other horrible side effects. and my doctor wasn’t listening to me. The paranoia especially caused me to question everything in my life, even things I shouldn’t have been concerned about. It also almost ruined my marriage. Thankfully my wife stuck by my side as we eventually found me a new doctor who switched me to a new medication. By December I was fully switched into my new meds and I felt like my cheery self again.
Fast forward to January my wife and I had begun talking about having a child again which we had been talking about for several years. We were able to get pregnant and are now due in October. I think her and the baby are the only things in this world keeping me going.
This world is crushing me though. My wife and I were so confident that my mental health problems were behind me. I don’t let it show when I’m around her. I don’t dare to. She has so much to worry about already. I need to deal with it some other way and things need to be fixed before the baby comes. I haven’t talked to anyone about this, but since I’m holding it all in it’ll hit me all at once. I’ll lash out at work at a coworker or sit in my car crying.
Part of having a kid is putting them first. Always. That’s where things also get messy. My mind feels torn. The hate spewed across the country right now. The inability for people to cooperate with mask policies on top of the killing of innocent black lives. This topic is also a reason in which I feel I can’t talk to anyone… I want to start this out by saying I support EVERYTHING the BLM movement stands for and I am horrified by the atrocities that people choose to ignore in this country. That being said, I work in a field that constantly has me out in environments where I have to be around the protests, marches, and gatherings of the BLM movement. With COVID-19 cases higher than ever it’s hard to support the large gatherings when I see people without masks. I’m constantly exposed to them during work and I fear bringing this virus home to my pregnant wife and unborn child. My coworkers go up to people without masks, refuse to social distance, and constantly ignore my pleas to beg them to not expose themselves to the virus which could expose it to me. This is where I lash out at them. They don’t understand. I lash out at the people who can’t wear masks properly in the grocery store. They don’t care about anybody, but themselves! All I want to do is protect my child! I’m in tears writing this post because I’m just so frustrated with this world. I just need someone to understand. I feel so alone. I already feel that someone will judge me for this post. I’m just so filled with rage and anger at the world! Why can’t everyone just care for once? My own brother and his wife won’t even wear masks or social distance. I just need someone to understand.