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I feel dumb

I’m up early, I’m going to work very early today, and the kids are coming in 2 hours late, I’m going to be staring at nothing for awhile today.

Me and my boyfriend are currently very stressed. After this recent Christmas, I made the decision to use up all my money to give him a gaming computer. It’s something he’s wanted for a very very long time and I wanted to get that out of the way so I can begin saving money for a car and permit things at the start of the year. I realize how dumb and irresponsible it sounds, but that was my plan.

Obviously the purchase didn’t look right to my boyfriend’s biological father and his wife. 2 weeks later to now they burst into anger when I asked about a package coming in saying that if either of us don’t get a permit, we need to find somewhere else to live. Obviously they are much too upset to explain myself and they are not the type that you can open up and talk to easily, they keep stuff short.

We both despise yelling, it’s a little part of why we left my family. Being yelled at in front of everyone about how you’re basically irresponsible and will be kicked out does not make you feel welcome in a home, and it gives you massive stress.

To be honest, we haven’t been very responsible with our money, it’s our first time having some freedom with it. I just wish someone could talk to me without yelling at me when they’re upset, I’m so very tired of being yelled at. I don’t feel very heard here, and I don’t feel like family (not that I am) I don’t feel like my boyfriend does too much either, but that’s a separate topic.

I had plans to visit family in February and if you happen to know about that, this won’t be fun to tell them the news. First I had plans for Thanksgiving, didn’t work. Then Christmas, didn’t work. Then February (school winter break) now I’m screwed there. This won’t be fun.

I’m stressed, I don’t feel welcomed at home, I have to cook at some point because more people in the house need to cook (AKA me and bf), I’d much rather cook for ourselves but these are the rules when you live under someone’s home.

I have work sometime this morning and I need to put on a positive face for the kids and my coworkers while my heart beats constantly all day. My poor bf is the one who knows how to drive already so he needs to go through the pain of asking them when he can go to the dmv first. They were never very welcoming to talk to and it’s hard enough asking someone to do something for you. I feel like he always gets so much blame.

I don’t know what to do with myself and I’m very stressed.

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I can understand that saving money is sometimes a long process and an unfun one. And honestly, I think sometimes it’s okay to spend money on things we like. You’re not dumb, you made the decision to try to make someone you love happy!
Maybe you can have it both ways? Have you made a saving plan if any kind with your boyfriend? You guys could have fun and put aside a certain amount for saving for permits ect, a certain amount for necessities/personal items and then save some for fun stuff. You can agree that when the fun stuff hits a certain amount you guys can decide together what to spend it on?
That way you won’t feel guilty about it. I know it doesn’t exactly sound as fun, but just a sort of example if you like. I hope that doesn’t sound like more pressure!

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with people constantly yelling over you and not taking the time to listen and share your concerns. Do you have people outside of the family you guys are close to at all? Sounds like you guys could definitely use a support system.

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Hi itsnotoveryet
First of thank you for sharing your experience with us. I dont think you are very irresponsible with your money. You simply wanted to make your boyfriend happy and that is very kind of you :wink:. He is truly lucka to have you. However I think that your first priority right now should be to save enough money to move out to a place of your own. Is is hard to live under someone elses roof when there is a lack of communication and such. I think that having a place you can both call home would be very liberating for the both of you. Also I think that your boyfriend should be contributing to make this a reality. I understand that you are under a lot of preasure and it will be like that for some time so it is also important for you to think about yourself. Taking some time for yourself and enjoying the little things can make all the difference in the world. It is an important stress relever. I hope this new year is going to bring you more happiness than the last one and that you and your boyfriend can have a place to call home soon. :wink:

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From: Micro

Hey friend, this is a tough situation, but definitely an opportunity to learn. On one hand, learning how to save money and set different priorities from now on. And on the other hand, maybe inviting your in-laws to communicate more openly and differently all together. You are not dumb at all. Christmas is a special time and we basically want to spoil our loved ones. Your gift was an act of love - and it shouldn’t become bittersweet to enjoy it. You are aware already of why you boyfriend’s parents have reacted that way/have been upset by this decision. It’s not as if you didn’t care nor understood. So this is, 100%, a learning opportunity. When we start to have our first incomes and be seemingly independent, we all struggle with keeping our finances at first! It’s okay.

I’m sorry that they reacted that way though. Given the context of your own family, I completely understand why being yelled at, and arguments more generally, are very distressful and consuming. If their frustration is understandable, they could have decided to express it in a much better way - one that conveys respect and love, still. This burst of anger might reveal some lack of communication as well, regarding both your intentions (with your boyfriend) and how your in-laws perceive both of your presence at their home. It can be tough to learn to live all together, and maybe some more clear and open communication, one that would set some ground rules and perspective for the future, for all of you, would be necessary. For example, they probably didn’t know that your intention was to save money starting in January. From the outside, they might have seen just the gaming computer and thought that you didn’t set good priorities. A different way to communicate all together, one that gives you all some direction/future perspective could bring some peace to all of you, if that is possible of course.

On a different note, I want you to know that you are not failing anyone there, and what you will have to say to your family next month is not a pile of failure. Damn, you’ve been learning to be independent, you’ve got a job, and you’ve taken so many steps forward. It may not fit with your family’s expectations, but I can tell that you have grown SO MUCH in such a short amount of time, and that is truly inspiring. If your family focus on the results they want to hear, well they’ll miss the possibility to see how brave and resilient you are, which would be their loss. I am so, so very proud of you. What happened with your boyfriend’s parents is a learning opportunity. It’s okay. It’s not making you a failure and I can tell that the journey you’ve been in is amazing. Keep moving forward, friend. Make sure to save money with your boyfriend - and to keep a part little still in order to treat you well! - and keep pursuing your life goals. One step at a time. This is just a little bump on the road. Maybe a next step would be the permit to have? In any case, you got this, friend. I believe in you. I’ll always do. :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Friend, thank you for your post, living with people is very difficult to live happily with anyone else that isnt your immidiate partner without any interference or judgement being put on you but when you are living in their home there is no escape at all because you have it two fold, family and the owners of the home so control is bound to be an issue. I understand why you wanted to go out and splurge on the computer for your boyfriend this Christmas, you wanted to do something special for someone you love and thats a lovely thing to do, if I can play devils advocate for a moment though, maybe his family are just wanting to try to make sure you are both takeing your financal situation more seriously?? Now then, you earned your money and you can spend it on what ever you like but the elder generation will always try to stop you from making the mistakes that we made and one is trying to be sensible with money however there are much nicer ways to do to that, that dont involve yelling and stressing people out, it would be far easier and more helpful to sit and talk to you. Do you think they would be open to sitting and talking as opposed to shouting about how things are going within the home and sorting things out? I think its worth a try if they would give it a go. You sound like you are doing well in your life and know what you want. Keep striving for the things that you want and keep in touch. Much Love Lisa x

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Hi Bimini, we have plans to save up. I wanted to take it seriously in the start of the year, it’s a shame we didn’t start sooner because the whole mood of the house has changed and it’s stressful.

Honestly we really just have each other…My family wants us back and it’s very complicated. Bf’s family has a stress prone mom and his dad does not like his biological father (whom we live with), no family to talk with this with. Though, come to think of it, maybe my sister, I just wouldn’t want to worry her. Thank you so much for reaching out :heart:

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Hi Ashwell, I really appreciate your words. Of course, saving money is a priority and we plan on taking it much more seriously, especially how after things have turned out.

I’ve come to realize how hard it is living under someone else’s roof. I sure hope we can get things as together as we can and get our own place. Thank you so much :heart:

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Hi @Micro , I really appreciate you, thank you so much for all the support you’ve given me, it means a whole lot. Yes, I have learned a hard lesson to work on saving for important things now, I’m just so stressed now, it’s unfortunate.

I really appreciate what you mentioned about communication, but I have to say honestly that I can’t see this happen. They are very blunt and reactionary, it really hurts because it reminds me of my family. Even when it’s happy conversation, they speak over everyone constantly and that’s another thing that stops us from feeling like we can speak our opinion. It feels hostile here.

I appreciate you and everyone not faulting me for my mistakes. Their frustration is understandable, it’s just they way they reacted and how they are now. They don’t feel approachable, it was already hard asking for things before this. But I know we need to stand up and get stuff done, it’s just more of a task than I feel like it should be.

Yes, they didn’t know of my intentions and I understand why they got upset but now it just feels like it’s us against them, we feel so disconnected. Not to mention I’ve felt like that when trivial issues came up. Man, I can’t even begin to think about my family.

Thank you again micro, I’m trying my best but I honestly feel like I’m in the same place. Like running in place with a different setting but some privileges I’m thankful for. I really don’t like how it feels to be here now. The usual yelling ranting on top of what happened previously is really upsetting to be around, we already didn’t appreciate the yelling and lack of communication. This is just a lot. We don’t know how to feel. I’m realizing living with others is just going to be stressful. I appreciate what they’ve given us, I am always grateful, but I also realize I need to work on where we’re going.

Every is so confusing and the stressful environment just feels horrible. I feel judged, ignored, and cast aside. I’m thankful to live in a house with warmth, and to be given another chance rather than outright thrown out…but it’s still so painful.

I apologize for the long paragraph. Thank you so much for believing in me, I’m so down it’s hard to see light. Take care :heart:

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Hello lisalovesfeathers, I agree, I’ve come to the realization of the hardships that come with living with others. I think the rosy glasses may have come off, and unfortunately they came from my mistakes.

Yes, I realize how careless I’ve been with money, this was a hard slap in the face to get things going now. I have to be honest, sitting and talking does not feel possible, it’s so hard to talk to them when they’re not open to it and they yell when they’re upset. Thank you for reaching out to me, I very much appreciate it.

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Hiya, can I start by saying I dont think you have been careless with money myself, I just think you are at a place in life that allows you to be able to have these splurges that you probably wont be able to do again for quite a while when you are in your own place so you took the opportunity and really I dont think many would do it differently, I just think the inlaws have forgotton about that time of life or they just havent got the patience to deal with it, either way that is thieir right I guess it just makes for very strained living if they cant do it with a little grace. Please dont think I was taking you to task because that would make me a dreadful hypocrite because I am dreadful for overspending especially when im having a down day and I want to cheer myself up, I am just grateful that small things cheer me up. lol Im sorry that you think they wond sit and talk because life is just too short to have all this animosity plus you can change someone who doesn’t see a problem with their actions. I hope at some point in the near future you get to have your own place and some peace and quiet. x

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Rest assured to at it’s not your fault that the mood changed. Sure maybe in hindsight you wish you’d started a bit earlier, but it should only be because of your benefit not the benefit of having other people take the pressure off you.
Are you close with your sister? If you are I bet she wouldn’t mind you talking to her. I think it’ll be a lot of burden taken off you to be able to share about it all. I hope that even sharing here has made it a little easier for you.
I’m sure it probably feels like you’re stuck in a negative environment and getting out seems like such a far reach at times, but you certainly have our support!
Now you’ve got your goals in front of you I hope it’s a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel!

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Thank you so much for this, you’re absolutely right. I came from being grateful for 20 dollars that weren’t used for gas money. Indeed it came from that and I wanted to get that while I could, you’re right. And no worries at all, I appreciate what you have said to me. I hope things can take a turn it’s just tough because they’re not the ‘talk to you personally’ type, they’d much rather shout it out loud, which sucks because I’d love love to talk if they didn’t feel so closed off. I do hope for those things as well, thank you so much again Lisa :heart:

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You’re right, in hindsight. And it’s tough not feeling that way due to the pressure when there’s so much of it. I’ll consider talking to my sister, she’s just got her own life on her plate as everyone does so it’s hard to reach out sometimes. Posting here can be hard, too. I hate to think any of my negatively affected someone. My goals are in front of me from now on, thank you again :heart:

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To be honest, nothing has changed. Of course it’s so soon so it shouldn’t be expected. We’re both so drained. I’m just writing this to say thank you again to everyone. I don’t know how to express how thankful I am, but taking the time to reach out has atleast reminded me that there is reason to keep going no matter how horrible things currently are. Thank you, everyone.

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You don’t have to worry about negatively affecting anyone. The great part about this community is people share and offer help and encouragement if they feel they can. Basically people want to support you because they genuinely care and you’re not going to upset anyone by sharing your thoughts and feelings. You deserve to be able to!
I for one am really proud that you’ve got some goals you’re reaching for and that you are taking the steps you can. Even if it feels like you’re mis-stepping, at least you’re keeping momentum. You deserve everything you’re working so hard for.

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hi hi,
just wanted to chip in to all the lovely advice and support you’ve gotten!

You sound like you’re making the amazing the jump from “I feel dumb” (in the post title) to “I made a choice and these are the lessons I got from it”.
We can only make the best choices as we go along, and when we look back at them, we need to be kind to ourselves and know that those choices were what seemed best at the time. We can learn and grow, that’s actually a good way to learn and grow lol! And then when we’re in a similar position again, then we use this new knowledge to help us: do I make the same choice or do I do something differently?

Thank you for sharing with us, and I’m glad you’re here with us!

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I apologize for the long paragraph. Thank you so much for believing in me, I’m so down it’s hard to see light. Take care :heart:

I love your paragraphs, whether they are long or short.

This situation has been a kind of cold reminder of things you might need to focus on and establish, with your boyfriend, for your future. It can be tempting to avoid thinking about that kind of thing, even unvoluntarily, just because it is a bit stressful in itself. You will be okay though. It is, once again, a process made of plenty of little steps. You are not expected to be at a new place tomorrow and have it all together.

I hope you manage to process these events in a healthy way, emotionally speaking. You already know what is right/wrong, fair/unfair objectively. Now is also a time to give yourself some grace, even if it’s difficult. You deserve it.

I’ll never stop believing in you. The steps you’ve been taking are amazing. You are not expected to perform or beconstantly on a move forward though. It’s okay to slow down, to rest, to collect yourself and treat yourself too.

You’re loved. :hrtlegolove:

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