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I feel extremely useless, yet totally used all at once

Hi there. This takes a lot to type up, but I thought I’d give it a shot. My mind is currently so clustered with so much self-hatred that it is controlling my life. I have been struggling of just surviving and being used by anyone to make them happier because I know how hard it can be to not be happy. I have found myself sacrificing my happiness for people, and for especially my father. He is a great man, but he has really bad depression and suicidal tendencies. I have been caring for him and helping him deal with his mental state, and even had to stop a suicide attempt of his recently. I have tried everything from getting him on meds to having him see a counselor to trying to get him to inpatient. It just isn’t working. Pure denial. So I feel extremely useless but also so used and drained. My mental health is already dwindling. I am a full-time college student trying to finish my degree with immense stress already and depression and ptsd myself. Is it bad that I feel I shouldn’t be held responsible for my father at 20 years old? Obviously, I will try my best to help out because I love him, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I have gone to counseling but it is such an expensive thing to attend myself as an already broke student. I feel this whole thing is reflecting onto my self-image. I feel as though I cannot help so therefore I am useless and a terrible person. Along with that, the amount of frustration I have… it has driven me to drink a whole lot. This situation is such a slippery slope because everything is affecting something else. This is affecting my grades, my social life, my relationship that is no more with my ex, my mental health. Its all consuming being worried for your parent and almost like expecting a call from someone breaking the news to me. See, I feel there is no solution to this. Which is why I am posting this here, for any and all advice, ideas, stories similar… I cannot go much longer with this impossible balancing act or both of us will be in graves. Thanks for allowing me to have a space to express these thoughts and to get them out for once. <3

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Wow. You are incredible. That is all that I can really say and mean with all of my heart. At 20 years old, that is such an amazing story. I want you to know that it doesn´t just end though. Life doesn´t stop in hardships and not move on. There is hope and light at the end. You just need patience and faith. You aren´t alone. I promise you that much. We are all here to support and comfort you in this. The fact that you care so much for your father is incredible. I honestly wish I had such a relationship with my own because if Iḿ being really honest, I wouldn´t have the heart to actaully take so much of my life and lay it aside for him. I know that´s wrong, which is why it makes me respect you so much more. Do not give up. It is not worth it. You will get through this and we are so happy you trusted us to open up and listen to you. You can always reach out and we will be here to support and comfort you. Just know that pain does not last forever and you just need to keep fighting. You will win. I will pray for you!

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You are an amazing person for helping your father through his difficulties. But if you burn out, both of you will lose. He needs more help than you can give him, professional help. You said you’ve tried to get him professional help and it hasn’t worked, but you and those others close to him need to keep gently encouraging him to get better. The hardest part for him is reaching out for help the first time.

No one should have to go through the trauma of stopping a loved one from committing suicide, but it’s better than the alternative. That’s a really heavy burden to carry. If he makes another attempt, I’d say call 911 even while you’re trying to stop him. They’ll take him in for a 72 hour psych evaluation, which just might get the ball rolling for his health care.

A lot of schools offer mental health services for little to no money. Check with your student life coordinators, and maybe they can get you set up with the school counselor. If you can’t afford the cash payments, they should be able to work on payment plans with you. I started my recovery with a campus counselor for free, then moved on to the campus licensed psychologist for $10 a session. Other than my current counselor, he was the best counselor I’ve had.

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I so wish that was an option but my university actually do not have mental health services for cheap. Thank you for that idea though and I really appreciate you replying.