I’ve posted about this before but I’m still in the same situation. I lost my mom to leukemia a few years ago. She was like my best friend so it was incredibly hard. The remaining family I have are not caring. I’m closer to some than others. My aunt and grandma are somewhat caring. They gave me some money and presents for my birthday but the same family members can, at other times, be abusive, including my dad. This is the reason I have no one to stay with and I’m living out of my car.
When I try to bring up some of the ways they act or in the past, when I’ve reacted to their disrespect, they’ve acted uncaring about it and sometimes tried to turn it around on me. I recently found out from someone that this is considered gaslighting.
So the grief from losing my mom, my family’s behavior, and the lack of support is causing me to feel hopeless and at times suicidal.
I really want to finish my university degree, which I put on hold to care for my mom. The college I want to go to is in another state so it would be more expensive, at least for the first year until I get residency, so I feel it’s impossible and that I’m stupid and delusional to even be applying to it.
I know there are homeless shelters, but it seems those are hard to get into. i called some in my state a few months ago and had trouble getting in touch with anyone. It seems there isn’t much funding dedicated to helping people like me.
Anyway, thank you for reading and/or responding
I admire that you’re still thinking about a degree in spite of the emotional non-support. I think it would be better for you to be in school, as it will not only mean progress toward a rewarding life, but also it may give you the opportunity to be around supportive people.
Colleges have advisors and counselors. There are usually resources available for students who are struggling with any number of issues, including mental health. There may be need based scholarships for the tuition. They might even help with employment.
It sounds like your family members are dealing with grief by suppressing or denying it. A symptom of that is the manifestation of a hardened exterior and insensitivity. In other words, they may try to act tough, ignoring your pain as well as their own. I think the gaslighting may reflect the attitude, “we’re acting tough, so you should too. If you don’t behave as we do, we have to believe there’s something wrong with how you’re feeling. If there’s nothing wrong with your feelings, it means there’s something wrong with ours, and we can’t accept that.”
Is it possible to take some classes in your state, then transfer to your preferred college later?
Their disrespect is a demonstration of who they are or what they’re feeling in the moment. It has nothing to do with your right to be respected. Eliciting respect from people in that state of mind is about as easy as bathing a cat. However, you’re free to choose how you react and feel about it. Odds are that the best reaction is to not engage them when they’re acting that way. People often think they’ve got no choice but to get upset or angry because of someone’s words or behavior, but it’s always a choice of how you interpret their actions and how you choose to react. In other words, even when people are making personal attacks, you don’t need to take them personally as though their words are valid. People invalidate themselves when they make personal attacks.
Have you ever thought about becoming a live in caregiver?
No it’s not that their behavior is a result of their dealing with grief. they have always been cold and abusive. And they gaslight when it’s brought to the surface.
I have distanced myself from them. That’s why I live out of my car, because the other option is to live with them, and I know that would be a nightmare.
From: Who.is
I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. It’s a pain that can stay with you. I know it’s probably hard to find some time to grieve when there are many other things to worry about. I wish it were a simple solution. You’re not stupid or delusional for applying, its just been a very hard road for you. I wish I had more answers for you because you deserve a chance to find your own path in life.
From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hi Friend, Thank you for posting, I do remember you from last time. I cannot imagine how the loss of your mum has affected you over the last few years, it cannot of been easy holding things together especially when you dont seem to have had a lot of support from anyone else. It really saddens me that your family have not been able to hold you up enough to keep you in a safe enviroment especially your Dad, that is his job and its heartbreaking that he has not managed it. You are in a very tough situation at the moment and I want you to keep trying to find your way out, talk to the college about your situation since your mum passed, explain how you want to finish what you started, keep contacting the shelters or if all else fails, contact your family, it is their job to keep you safe. You deserve that. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are. Much Love Lisa. x
From: Dr Hogarth
Hi Bobohobo,
I’ve read and re-read your post a few times now. I want to have some solution to help you, because you really deserve someone to help you right now. This is such a hard situation to be in and I am so sorry for everything you’re going through. I also rely on my Mum for a lot of support and I can’t begin to imagine what losing her would be like. All I can say is how truly and genuinely sorry I am.
I agree with Wings that I think finishing your degree would be a really positive step. Contacting the college directly might be a better way to go than contacting homeless shelters as the college might have provisions of their own or access to resources to help you.
You deserve so much better than to be in this situation and I wish I could offer something more tangible other than to say that I care about you friend. You are noticed and you matter x
Thank you. And you don’t need to be sorry, you aren’t responsible for the situation I’m in. My family is the one that should be at least somewhat responsible.
I don’t know if contacting the school would help. I’ve looked at the housing options and there are some rentals I could afford, if I got a loan in addition to the grant I’m getting.
The other option would be to stay in state and go to the university here but I like the out-of-state university better and the program they have is more specific to what I want.
It’s rare that people are born innocent, warm and loving, then become cold and abusive spontaneously and without cause.
In my family, there were two abusive parents, three child victims. One became sexually abusive. Another became cold, intolerant and abusive. Then there’s me. I never got much information regarding how my parents were raised, other than I was given the impression my grandparents were cold and abusive as well. I grew up in a culture in which empathy was the enemy, and those who felt it were sissies. I call it a culture because many of my peers were experiencing similar mindsets in their families. This leads me to believe that there’s serial and cumulative grief passed down through the generations.
There’s a lot more to it than that, but I suspect if you could look back in history far enough, you’d be able to see what led your ancestors and subsequently your family to have their current attitudes, just as my family’s problems didn’t just originate with them. I don’t think your family’s current mindset is caused by the grief of losing your mom, but I think it may have hardened them even more.
It takes courage and strength to acknowledge honest feelings associated with grief. Too often they are suppressed or the only ones expressed relate to anger.
It seems that you are standing strong in your self-perception and introspection while in the midst of a storm of negativity. While they are trying to invalidate your feelings, they are the ones who afraid of their own.
How would you know unless you tried? It may take more than a call or two. Ask for referrals from anyone you talk to. Be persistent.
I’m so glad that you have come back to Heart Support to bring us an update on your situation. I am sorry you aren’t making the progress you hoped for. The loss of a parent can take years to process fully, so please don’t beat yourself up over this.
The gaslighting you are experiencing from your relatives makes it hard to determine their true intentions. I can understand your wish to put some distance between you and them.
Is it perhaps time to consider therapy to replace the lack of support from your family? A trained professional will be able to help you with the harmful and destructive emotions that you are feeling.
Wanting to progress in life is a positive sign and certainly not delusional. Moving forward with your degree is a massive step in the right direction. Many states offer financial aid for university students. If your state doesn’t, is it possible to transfer your course to a state that does?
Thank you again for your update, and I hope you can progress with the positive changes you wish to make.
Yes, my state does offer financial aid and I also have a good amount of money saved up. But I’m not sure if I want to go to the instate school because of what it’s like or if the out of state, but more expensive college, would be better.
I’m also worried about the finances and how I’ll make it through without a place to live and with little support
Thanks for the update.
Would you perhaps be open to looking for a school in a different state? Although daunting, moving to a new state may provide the distance you seek from your family, without having to sever ties.
Many states offer student housing at discounted rates, and some seem to provide it FOC if you qualify. Your chosen school should have on-site counsellors to offer you support. The outcry caused by recent studies into the mental health care available at US universities seems to have positively affected the services available.
Heart Support is always here for you. I wish you the best of luck with your studies.
Yes, the distance from my family would be good. The out of state school would be expensive. The student housing is pretty expensive too. I’d have to get loans. The other option is to attend the in state school and try to make the best of it.
It makes me feel more suicidal that I can’t do what I want to do and have little support
That might be true that it was passed down. But I don’t really know either way. I don’t think going through horrible things or being in an environment that looks down on empathy makes people devoid of it completely. It will cause mental health difficulties. I think genetics and biology play a bigger role.
I suspect the school won’t help because of how it is and what I know about it. It’s in a higher class city(but not like extremely rich, it’s not an ivy legue)
If you like to read, there’s a book, “The Other Wes Moore” you might find interesting. There are also studies about identical twins, separated at birth. I will say, I have two brothers, and someone who didn’t know us would assume each of us was from a different family.
Can you attend a state school that’s some distance away?