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I feel I’ve made up my mind and it scares me


#1

Stumbled on this site through Instagram. My story is insanely long, so I’ll keep it short for all those investing their time to read. I’m 27 and live in Texas. I grew up pretty poor and lost a lot of family to accidents along the way, so I was always supposed to be “man of the house”. My family had bad habits drugs, poor finances, never graduated high school, the list goes on. While my mom was in prison I lived with him for a year. He got killed on New Year’s Eve 2000. After that there was a big settlement so everyone fought for who got custody of me for the extra money. Fast forward 10 years I graduate high school. I did great in sports, had my own place my junior year and a great girlfriend who stuck with me up to my first suicide attempt. We broke up 3 weeks prior because I randomly broke up with her out of some weird manic impulse. I OD’d on Xanax and whiskey. A friend just so happened to come by and found me. I earned my first and only trip to a mental facility and NOT a helpful or productive one. It was very scary and the employees were awful. I never shared my feelings again out of fear of getting sent there again. Skip time to now. Between age 19-27 I’ve had 2 divorces, and as of last week one failed engagement AND she’s pregnant with twins currently. I lost my job, fiancé, drive, and any ounce of happiness I had. I won’t play victim, my severe depression and anxiety has ruined my relationships. I have a horrible habit of assuming the ABSOLUTE worse before it even happens and saying the most mean things to cut someone deep out of anger and heartbreak. Before though they love me HARD and deeply, but who I am totally makes them hate me after. All I’ve ever wanted was a family to give me drive and give me something to look forward to; but I’ve lost my chances. I’ve already researched hospitals in the US who will after a process assist with suicide. People say hold on and wait and let time heal but it’s not healing… it never does. IF it does it’s for such a short while until I experience heartbreak in some form again. I used to love life and want to make an amazing one, but I’ve also obsessed over the thought of wanting to just die so I can’t feel all of this extreme pain and sickness anymore… I know my family and friends will get over it. They’re normal unlike me they’re stronger than me. I’ve been sure of my choice for 5 days now… but I’m fighting and clawing for a reason to stay…


#2

Hey

Please stay.

Please know we are here for you. You are loved. You are important. You are cared about.

You. Are. Important.

Keep fighting- I know you have it in you.

We believe in you.

The sun will rise and we will try again.

Keep us updated okay? You got this. Keep fighting. Stay alive.

Love,
Lys

Ps: hope to hear back soon.


#3

Man. There is so much hurt in this post. Friend, I am so sorry for all of the pain and heart break that you have been dragged through.

It breaks my heart to see people struggling so deeply. I know what it’s like to hurt people because I’ve been so emotionally broken. To push people away. To destroy relationships. There was a point in my life that was me.

I’ve been through divorce and know that stress. I’m so sorry that you had to endure all of that.

I don’t have all of the answers, but I want you to know that someone sees you. Someone hears you. Some of what you say I can relate to! And no matter the things you have been through, the things you’ve have done or the things you have said, you are important! You are valued!

We all do things that are hurtful in life. But it’s never too late to take the actions we need to improve! You already recognize where you slip sometimes. Now all you have to do is take the steps towards healing and working on that part of yourself. Whether through therapy, hanging out with positive and healthy friends, church if you are religious…anything that well give you strength and empowerment to grow the way you would like to see yourself.

We are here for you my friend. To gently guide you and walk beside you.

Hold fast!


#4

Thank you for taking the time to say anything at all. I’m still trying to find the want. In any small shape or form. Sleep is non existent but when I do I have bad dreams about my recent separation. Then I wake up sick and just want it to stop. With my overly manic brain and over thinking problems I can’t seem to let go of anything. God knows I want to. I HATE feeling like this and I know it’s draining the people who’re doing their best to help. I still am trying to figure out another way, I’m trying like hell. Otherwise I would’ve had this taken care of already… I hope a miracle happens and this stops…


#5

A close friend of mine has me staying at his house at his strong suggestion. Makes me feel like a bum. I’m 27 years old I should have my crap together by now… so many of my friends have great marriages and awesome jobs with beautiful kids. Then there’s me some mental case who doesn’t have any true desire to live anyways. I keep dreaming about my recent ex fiancé. She’s already back with her ex that she always referenced throughout our relationship. It sits in my head that if the twins make it through the pregnancy, he’ll be having them more than me AND he gets the woman I finally allowed myself to trust and love… that’s a big deal to me because life has ALWAYS shown me things go south… I can’t live with having to live my life like that. IKNOW how horrible that sounds with innocent kids involved, but they’ll never know me. They’ll never know I was even here because I promise she’ll never tell them. I wanted to do it right. I wanted to raise my kids with the mother… I don’t want them having a screwed up father because he can’t stop stressing out and freaking out 24/7. That’s what I hate about being suicidal, society thinks because you’d hurt yourself you’d hurt others, but I would NEVER hurt anyone. Because I know how it feels to hurt and suffer. I wouldn’t wish the things I’m feeling on anyone. It feels like a death sentence.


#6

Hey Daniel

You have been dealt an awfully difficult hand. I wont sugar coat or say that you HAVE to stay. I want you to hear me out though.

There are some key phrases in here that you have mentioned.
“My Anxiety and Depression has ruined my relationships”
“I have a horrible habit of assuming the ABSOLUTE worse before it even happens”

So there are two things here. I had a habit of self defeating and self sabotaging behavior. I cut people out of my life, and then wondered why I was alone. My thought process was always “well if I cut you off, you cant hurt me. Done and done.”

But what that only guaranteed for me was that I had nothing but myself to blame. Looking internally, I also had to stop blaming my anxiety and bipolar disorder for my terrible habits and actions.

There is something to be said about taking agency over you. YOU are not depression. YOU are not anxiety. YOU are not a slave to these things. You have had an insanely difficult life that I wont pretend that I can understand. But I do understand what it feels like to be a slave to bad habits.

For me, it started with seeking therapy. Once i started seeking therapy, I found the therapist as a catalyst for deeper emotional understanding and ultimately self awareness. I still have shitty tendencies like cutting people out, assuming the worst or self defeating. But i am self aware enough to realize when i am thinking that and divert my attention.

In terms of assuming the worst - I understand that. I totally get that. What tends to happen is we assume we cant have or do something. We will never succeed. Or people will just abandon us. But we push people away and then say “See?! They left. Told ya” instead of realizing that we started that divide.

It is the same for things like recovery. We go “ill never recover”. And then we never try. And if we never try, we obviously dont recover. Finally we say “See? Told ya I couldnt do it”

Quite frankly, you are a strong person. You have made it this far. THIS FAR. Dont let that be a waste. i think you have a good head on your shoulders - so good in fact that you have a hard time getting out of it.

I want to see what happens next for you. I think you should try. Dont settle. You can change lives with your story. You have impacted my life this morning - positively - allowing me to self reflect and analyze.

Youre loved. Please stay.

I love you

Dyllon


#7

First of all, I can understand feeling down about being X age and not being where you want to be. I’m 33, divorced, living with my boyfriends parents, unable to work and my boyfriend has a very inconsistent job. Our finances are not where they need to me. He’s your age. I have friends that have it all together that are both my age and younger and I have fiends my age and older that still are struggling to get things together.

The point is, my dear friend, everyone succeeds and grows in life at a different pace. We all grow and achieve things differently. So try not to compare yourself to others. Though I do understand why you feel how you do, because I catch myself doing the same sometimes.

As far as the rest. Everything you feel is so valid. But remember, just becuse you aren’t with her doesn’t mean you can’t be a part of their lives. Whether you see them every other week, once a month or once in a while, you can still show them you love them. Support them. And make the best of every moment you guys have together. And they will always remember that. So long as you love and support your kids, that’s all that matters. We all have different situations and circumstances. Everyone’s lives is different.

I know it’s hard my friend, but keep staying strong. See a therapist if you need. Keep fighting. For you. For your kids. Fight. Live. because you are so important and you are so valued. Things may feel impossible and frustrating now, but it can get better. Patience. Time. Dedication. Do what you need to find that motivation. It won’t be easy, but it is possible and I believe in you my friend. We are here to support you along the way. To encourage you and walk beside you.

You matter my friend. Please be gentle with yourself. We want to see you okay and achieving the things you want.

Hold fast


#8

I want you to know, that you may not see it right now, but you have an impact on people - people remember and miss you. I’m sorry that your life has been hard and all this has happened, but that does not negate the impact you’ve had on people. Your family and friends will grieve, and they will never forget what happened. They will always miss you, wish they could have done more with you, wish they had spent more time with you.

There are so many possibilities in the future, that you cannot say for sure that there is no one for you and that no one wants to be with you - whether it is friends or family. People are going to love the person that you are and can be, you may have just not met those exact people yet.

So please, stay here. You can get through this, We all believe in you, and we will be here in your corner, cheering you on.


#9

You have had the strength to get through a lot of very hard situations. Please keep fighting!
There is a lot of hurt that has built up in your life and you can’t fight that all on your own. As hard and scary as it seems, please reach out for help. Thank you for reaching out here, that’s already a good step. I know you had a terrible experience in the past, but I promise that there is someone out there who can help you fight through your past, present, and future. It may not be something that happens overnight, but there is hope for things to get better. I have decided to give up multiple times in my life and it’s taken me awhile to find the things that help me through depression, but I’m steadily improving. There are so many stories of people who have kept fighting and found relief. I had to try talking to multiple different therapists before I found someone who was helpful, medications, lifestyle changes, and learning to open up to the right people but I have improved so much in the past two years. There is hope.
You are important and have things to offer. The world is better with you in it so please keep fighting, one day at a time. Each new day is a victory and a new start. We believe in you and care about you.


#10

Hey,

Glad to hear back from you.

I’ll get back to you soon.

Keep fighting. I believe in you.

Talk soon,
Lys