I feel ignored by my friend @Kitboga

[AloneOnTheWater]

I’ve been thinking about posting about this for awhile now and when @Kitboga said he was gonna do a hangout tonight and maybe talk about some forum posts I decided to go ahead and post. I doubt he’ll do this one, because there will probably be a lot, but it made me finally post when he mentioned that.

But before I say my actual post I just wanted to thank you, Kit, for your amazing content and community. It has helped me during a dark time in my life and I am very grateful for your streams and the community you have built. Even though I tend to lurk I still feel like a part of the community. You are an amazing person!

The actual post:
I have made so many amazing friends and acquaintances through Kit’s community. Real ones and temporary ones. But I feel like someone I thought would be a lifelong friend has been ignoring me lately and I wonder if they are trying to ghost me and I’m just not taking the hint. When we hang out in the server they seem to enjoy my company but DMs go ignored. I’ll occasionally ask about their day/life and get no response or even an emoji reaction. We used to be amazingly close and those questions used to get answered.

I have been crying a lot lately because I don’t want to lose their friendship but I do not feel like we are friends right now and I don’t know what to do. I know the simple solution is to talk to them about it but that feels like a weird thing to say to someone. “Hey do you actually want to be my friend or are you just pretending”. I have never felt so close to a friend before so the idea of losing them is incredibly painful, especially since they are online so if we sever ties we may never find each other again even if we both wanted to try being friends again in the future. I just have gotten to a really bad place because of this and I see no good solution and I would love some advice from anyone who has any words of wisdom. Thank you in advance to anyone who responds and everyone who reads this :bogaPecan:

[Sita]

You have the solution, friend
I dont use discord much, but one of my new buddies is there and can i tell you, we leave messages and get back to each other like 4 days afterwards.

It’s a super busy time of the year for a lot of people, when getting online is difficult, and when we do, replying to messages may have to take a backseat.

It can be very emotional when we think a friendship is in danger, but communication is sooooo vital in a relationship. You have to learn to express yourself to your friend. Don’t torture yourself more by not asking!

There are many tactful ways to ask it, too, and surely we can help you with that.
“Hey, haven’t heard from you lately, hope all is well with you. Leave me a message when you can, okay? just wanted to make sure you were doing well. I hope the holidays are going well for you!”

“Hey, haven’t heard from you in a bit, and I’m a bit worried, but hoping we’re cool and that you’ve been busy. Would love to hear that you’re okay. Talk soon, hopefully”.

I’m super proud of you for coming here and asking and sharing this with us. That is a great sign of growth, and I’m happy that you’re open to any advice we can pass on your way. Glad you’re here, I’m sure you’re a great friend. Give your online friend some time to respond, but please don’t let that make you question your value and worth. As Kit would say: You Matter

[Micro]

Hey @AloneOnTheWater,

Thank you so much for reaching out. It’s very brave of you, and I hope the words of encouragment you’ll receive here will help you take some steps forward to improve the situation.

In the situation you describe, it sounds that what’s missing is a clear communication between your friend and you. How you feel is absolutely valid. But the worst in that kind of situation is to get lost in a lot of “what if” that increase all of our insecurities. For your peace of mind, you deserve to know what’s going no on their end, just like your friend deserves to know how you feel as well.

We all hold some expectations when we feel like we have a good connection with someone. However, our own definition of friendship and being commited to someone can be very different from one person to another. Being used to communicate through Discord with people I love dearly, I can tell that we tend to all have our own way to use this platform too (or social medias in general). For example, I personally try to make it clear that if I don’t respond to DMs, it only means that I’m not available or emotionally able to take care of my notifications at the momen. I have my own way to organize my days, which doesn’t necessarily match others. But that never changes the affection I can have for someone or the fact that I read their messages. Some people, on the contrary, will be very responding and connected. Some people can be overwhrelmed by DMs/notifications, others not. We just have different ways to approach those tools, and your friend and you might need to learn how each of you tend to proceed, so you can also learn from each other. On a different note, we never really know what’s going on behind the screen. Life can happen and make someone less available, which is okay. Being online yet not responding doesn’t mean someone doesn’t care or is ghosting you. It’s more likely that they just have things to deal with on their own too.

I echo wholeheartedly the messages suggestions that @Sita provided. It’s a good way to check in with them without necessarily coming off as judgmental or calling them out. It is possible that a simple conversation would make things clear for both you and them once and for all. For each relationship, communication is key and helps to create your very own way to function, which doesn’t have to be the same for everyone.

I’d encourage you to reach out to them in a calm and peaceful way. As an invitation for them to let them know where they’re at, and if there would be better ways/mediums for both of you to eventually communicate in the future. If their response happens to be disappointing though, you would still be able to find peace in knowing that you have made a step and done what you could.

Through all of this, know that you are worthy of love, care, and healthy relationships. I hope with all my heart that this situation is, for you and your friend, just a matter of figuring out how you both function, at your own pace.

You are loved, no matter what.

Keep us updated, if you’re comfortable with it.