Hi, I’m Phylicia. I’m new, but I really need a sense of guidance/support.
Hopefully this wont be too long (I tend to ramble) but, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 about 2 years ago, when my own mother told me I would be better off dead so I attempted suicide and was hospitalized. After my hospitalization, things got way worse and haven’t gotten any better (except for 1 part of my life). I was put on tons of different medications that made me go into a manic state, and ended up losing my career, my dream car, my apartment and most importantly - people I thought were my friends.
I ended up moving back to my hometown, and fell in love with an amazing guy (thats the 1 part of my life that got better). Thought I had my life back on track so I talked to my doctor about being medication free, and ended up getting weaned off of them. Then, I started going downhill again and was recently fired from a job I liked, which caused me to lose insurance as well. So getting back on medication is now out of the question.
So that brings me to today - I’ve been dating the guy for over a year, and hes supportive in his own ways (he tries, really hard), but he also works A LOT, so I’ve been alone with my thoughts. I have a few friends, but no one I can really sit down with for support. I’m really struggling with the fact that I see all my former best friends have moved on to new best friends, with the fact that I don’t really have a lot of close people to me anymore and can’t get close to anyone because I always feel like a burden, and the fact that suicidal thoughts have been common lately (I’m not going to act on them - it’s just the feeling of wanting to die)
So I don’t know what to do - and I’m in need of a community, really, which is why I’m here.
Sorry if that was an insanely long post. I have a lot of built up emotion/need to tell my story.
You know I’ll always be here for you both, and I know it’s hard to sit inside your own thoughts like you are. You have so many friends that you probably don’t realize, with me being one, and you’re always welcome to talk to me about whatever you’re feeling. You’ve never been a burden at all!!
Hi friend. I’m sorry you feel this way. I’m glad that you have the support of your boyfriend. Keep reaching out. Don’t be afraid to come here. You’re not a burden. Keep fighting. You can do this.
Hi, Phylicia!
First I wanted to say I’m glad you found Heart Support and decided to share your story here. It takes a lot of courage to do that. And don’t worry, your post wasn’t that long! Haha.
Second, I know the pain that comes with being alone / not feeling like you have anyone to share with. If you ever need anything or anyone, don’t be afraid to message me! I am here for you 100%.
You are loved, and most definitely, NOT a burden. Don’t ever be afraid to share with us.
Stay strong, friend!
Jillian
I’m so, so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. You’re such a strong person, and I admire your willingness to fight. Although psychiatry appointments can be pretty expensive out-of-network (via no health insurance), would any family members be willing to help cover the costs? Or at least help a little bit? If given the correct mixture of medication, I believe it could help a lot (it took a while for them to get the right mix for me [via anxiety/depression], but they eventually got it!). Your boyfriend sounds like an amazing person, and a fantastic mode of support! Remember that you are NOT a burden. You’re loved!
Thank you so much! I do have his support, to an extent. Sometimes he doesn’t know how to really ‘deal’ with me, so it can be hard, which is why I decided to venture out to heartsupport to see what it’s all about.
I really, really wish family members helping was an option. Unfortunately, my family is less than empathetic when it comes to mental illness. And without insurance, the ONE medication that worked well for me is about $990 a month . I had a friend tell me about a local hospital that offers assistance to those in need, so I’m going to go there and see about that hopefully sometime this week. Thank you so much for the reply
I was recently in an improv class and the teacher was talking to another student in front of the class. She told the lady, “You are doing better than you think you are doing.”
You are doing better than you think you are doing, as long you are doing, you are doing better than you think you are doing.
Reality is hard. Being human is very challenging at times. You’ve made it here. You are doing great.
This(being your post) is not a fun situation and it really sucks and is exhausting For me what works is staying busy, my partner and I are often apart due to work. Trying many things and finding what makes me smile and filling my time with it as much as I possibly can. Failure is good, uncomfort (to an extent) is good, it’s learning and growth.
May your spiral expand up and out, much love fellow pineapple.
Hi Phylicia,
I hope you feel ok.
You are strong…and please believe that you aren’t a burden.
Your boyfriend sounds amazing…and truely loves you…you are still together in a loving relationship right? If you were a burden he would’ve run away waaaaaay before… Hold on to that love.
I feel the same way too (burden).
But sometimes when it gets over-whelming i try and imagine helping somebody i love. I make up weird situations in my head and try and dream of many ways i could help them through it.
It either calms me or i just sleep off.
I try to tell myself that advice frequently. When I was hospitalized, a therapist told me that exact thing and I try to keep it with me. Keeping myself busy is something I need to really work on. I tend to sulk, and it’s the worst thing for you.
We are definitely in a loving relationship! Even on days he doesn’t really know how to deal with me, I still never doubt that he loves me. It’s just so hard losing so many friends because of my illness and not feeling like a burden, you know? I know I just need to pick myself up and get back on track, and get out there and actually hang out with people, but it’s easier said than done.
HI,
I can understand how you feel but in a different way.
I was born with a learning difficulty . This means I have trouble with somethings like going down a steep hill.
I also dated a guy who was a lot work and quite depressed and kind of suicidal.
Keep living life is a rollercoaster. I know because I went through a bad patch where I hated going to work and came home crying.
. I had a friend tell me about a local hospital that offers assistance to those in need, so I’m going to go there and see about that hopefully sometime this week. Thank you so much for the reply 