I feel like a danger to everyone around me - On my OCD

TW/// Violent thoughts, mentions of triggers for misophonia

Even since I was little, I put “impressions” on people I know, which is basically where my brain makes up a personality for them. This gives me painful intrusive thoughts about them, and it makes not want to talk to or even look at them.
I know who they really are deep down, but I always feel like an outsider watching myself talk to them. I can’t just be there in the moment because of some stupid thought that drives me up the wall.
But it doesn’t stop there. It still affects people I barely know or don’t put impressions on, just in different ways. Sometimes I imagine violent things happening to them, like my eyes shooting daggers into their head, or their head exploding.
I don’t want to be a bad person. I trust the people around me, and I’ve never really wanted to hurt anyone. But I get upset by others easily. Whether it’s their voice or their attitude or a feeling that they’re talking done to me, I always find a reason to be annoyed by someone, even my closest friends. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve hit, shouted at, or run away from my parents or teachers.
I am on the autistic spectrum, and I have mental conditions linked to it called misophonia and misokinesia. Misophonia causes me to have extreme emotional reactions to certain trigger sounds, while misokinesia causes reactions to certain gestures. For me, someone whistling, humming, or laughing can give me feelings of anxiety or anger, to the point where I can’t think about anything except wanting them to stop. Someone making little movements like tapping their feet or clicking their tongue gives me the same distress.
These mental conditions aren’t very well-known, so I didn’t find out I had these until about a year ago. Before that, I thought it was my fault for wanting to yell at someone for humming in class. My teachers let me wear headphones and listen to music in class to cope, which does help, but I usually ended up missing material because of it as well.
I’ve always been like this, but ever since the pandemic forced everyone inside, it’s gotten so much worse. Now I can’t even look at a random person on the street without my thoughts latching on to them. It only became easier for people to give me sensory overload. I’ve graduated high school, but I finished my senior year online because sitting in a classroom with others was seriously becoming unbearable.
I feel like a part of the reason my thoughts have become worse is because I spend so much time online now. I use video games and social media as a coping mechanism, but they also fuel a lot of my intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I don’t even want to touch a new series or game, because my impressions get put on the fictional characters as well. So I spend most of my time inside feeling miserable because I don’t want to talk to anyone, and I’m running out of ways to cope with my anxiety.
I know I need to seek out someone for help at this point, but I feel like I can’t because I’m antisocial and therapy is expensive without my parents insurance (they want to help me find a therapist, but it’s hard). But I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I don’t want to be a shut-in. I want to get a job, make true friends, be happy. But the storm brewing inside makes that feel impossible. I need someone who can help. Please.

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Hi @julia

Welcome to Heart Support and thank you for sharing your story.

My Uncle has misophonia and I haven’t heard that word in a very long time. I remember as a kid visiting my Grandparents and my Uncle would eat in the other room because he couldn’t handle the chewing sound and he became agitated a lot with different sounds and no one understood. This was back in the 70s and misophonia wasn’t even a thing. Around 2005 he was diagnosed, but there wasn’t much they could do for him. No meds and it’s not even considered a mental illness… yet.

I’m really sorry that you have to deal with it, it’s got to be really, really hard and to add misokinesia makes things so much worse. I get annoyed when people fidget, so I can’t even imagine how you feel.

This is a safe place to let your emotions free and not be judged. I know that talking about your emotions is very helpful for people with misophonia, so feel free to vent or ask for support here. We want to help support you. :hrtlegolove:

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I am moved by your post. Life isn’t fair and some of us get a pretty rough deal. That’s not whining or self pity. It’s just the truth. I’m a Christian and unfair suffering is a real challenge to my faith.

I also know how hard it can be to find a good therapist. I don’t know if you journal on paper or if you have a blog but both those things help out a lot when you do get therapy. I find that externalizing my ups and downs actually builds my self knowledge and builds up my determination to get through my trials and have a good life.

Ultimately I deal with all my burdens because there isn’t any choice but to deal with it and work through. I’m proud of how many years I have made it. I hope the same for you!!

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From: Thalen

Hello @julia, i am sorry you have to deal with something so complicated, while i haven’t experienced anyone with these issues before i have always found different things may help regardless. Meditation was a HUGE thing for me when little things would eat at me, whether the principle is the same i am unsure but thought it was worth a mention. Heartsupport most likely has people with similar factors as yourself which i think could also be a great aid to you. Small coping mechanisms to explore could be an idea, i.e such ad meditation until a therapist is found to truly help you cope with it on a lot higher level. I wish you well for the future and hope a therapist is found asap.

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From: ManekiNeko

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s great you are aware of it and it sounds like your parents are actively seeking help for you. It does sound like professional help with assist you with coping skills and being able to talk out how you’re feeling and how to respond to those intrusive thoughts. The isolation of covid has made it very hard to participate and interstate back into the social world, and I’m sorry that it’s taken such a big toll on you. I know others have shared some good resources on breathing or even meditation which might help you feel grounded. You’re loved x

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Hi friend,
welcome to Heart Support and thank you so much for reaching out to us.
be very proud of yourself, we are and i am. you have come so far with all of this, this is very touching.
i only can imagine what you are going through. i feel so sorry for you.
you are aware of your triggers for now, you know how to cope with it. this is an amazing progress.
seeking a therapist might be your best option, and i hope that you will someone who helps you
get along better and finding all the things that you deserve in life. you matter and are worth of all of
the beauty llife has to offer, have a nice day my friend and feel hugged,
Greetings

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Hello Julia,

I want to welcome you into the HeartSupport community. Thank you for reaching out for support. There is a platform called BetterHelp that might be a good venue for you to find a therapist. You can get a free week through HeartSupport.

One of the things that help a handful of my friends is a product called ‘Loop earplugs.’ They have a good amount of styles for different things. It might be another option for you besides an everyday kind of pair. I am proud of you. Thank you for being you.

You are valid. You are important. You are strong. You are enough. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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From: prryplatypus

Hi Julia, nice to talk to you. This is the first time I ever hear the words “misophonia” and “misokinesia” - so thanks for teaching me something new. As with every mental condition, I can only recommend you seek for professional help. From what you’ve said, it sounds like your parents are actively trying to help you with it; try your best to make use of such an opportunity! Therapy can feel daunting at first, but in the long term it helps (talking from experience). Until then, it’s usually good to try breaking out of the situations in which these thoughts arise. If you notice them happening more often when walking around busy places, then try taking a walk somewhere where all you can see and hear is nature; that kind of thing. Hope you get the support you need soon. Best, prry.

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