I feel like a freak

Brief content warning: I am a csa victim and this particular post(? idk if that’s the right word to use on forums sorry) is about that and pretty graphic so be warned

Sometimes I wish I was a child again being abused, I know it’s a sick, perverted way of thinking but I feel like I can’t help it.
I miss feeling wanted and loved enough to be touched even when I cried and begged for them to stop. I’m only 16 but I feel so old, know the people who hurt me view me as too mature to love; yet at the same time I still feel so young, knowing that there will be pictures and videos of my little body on the internet being hurt forever.
I’m turning 17 soon and all I can think about is how badly I want to be a little kid again, how badly I want to be loved, how badly I want to be used, and just how badly all these feelings make me want to die.
It scares me even more to think about what kind of person it’ll make me if these feelings don’t go away before I turn 18. Will it make me a pedophile to think of my child-self being abused in that way? I really don’t want to be a pedophile and just thinking about that makes want to puke and kill myself before I can ever hurt someone the way I was hurt.

Bleh I feel gross just talking about this publicly but I’ve been holding it inside for so long it’s driving me insane and I need someone to listen Idc who

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