I feel like a zombie

I’ve struggled with mental health my whole life, now being 30. I was in special education for emotional disorder and I also have a cleft lip. Instead of being taught to work through our emotions, when you had an outburst you were thrown in a room that seemed like it belonged in a mental hospital( except they weren’t padded walls.) I spent my whole school career being an outcast and a weirdo( very few people taking time to get to know the real me.) My family being overly religious and scared that me and my brother would turn into drug addicts like our birth parents, they kept us on a very short leash, nearly imprisoned in our house. It caused me to be antisocial, which didn’t help the fact that I was a weird special ed kid. My aunt(guardian) passed when I was 18( my senior year) and then the emotional disorder turned into full blow mental illness. I landed myself into several mental hospitals from the time I was 19-24(2 of them from suicide attempts). I tried to get myself together and went to jobcorp right before my 24th birthday and it just made things worse, because once again I was just the odd one out, never really been good at socializing and it was obvious. So aside from jobcorp, I spent ages 20 to 30 being a recluse, why try when I know I’m gonna fail… And after the suicide attempts the pain I was in afterwards made me become a coward to even hurt myself again. And last year was just the icing on it all. Covid aside, I felt my life moving in a better direction. Then march 19, 2020 it was all ripped from me again, I was involved in a hit and run. The person who hit me hit me so hard my car rolled several times. I had no seatbelt on and had a large van battery in my back seat. I should of died and I wanted to die. I would get so pissed when someone would say " oh someone must be looking out for you" or " sounds like you have a guardian angel". I am still bitter from my accident because I am still paying for what that person did to me while they got away with no punishment. Then 2 months later I lost my grandma( who helped raise me and took care of me and my brother during summers) and then not even a month later my uncle(guardian) passed from covid. 3 months later the only friend I had who I could talk about my problems to passed. I recently moved out of state to try and have a fresh start. It seems like it is getting better sometimes. But it is always still in the back of my head, I still want to die, I don’t act on it anymore, but I am just patiently waiting for my end. I moved out of state to live with my younger brother and his family. But it just makes me feel like a failure, my younger brother has children and is married. While I am a deformed, broken piece of trash that nobody wants anything to deal with. He tries to help and to understand, that is why he let me move in with him is he really wants me to get better or atleast stronger mentally so I can handle it better. But I don’t see it happening, but I am also to much of a coward to make another attempt on my life. I just feel like I will eventually be one of the old crazy homeless men wandering the streets. My whole life it has seemed like I am here just to take all the major suffering for my brothers and sisters.( I only grew up with my one brother) I’m not really sure what to even try to do from here, the state I moved to is Tennessee and it doesn’t seem like they care much about mental health, I have been looking for affordable therapy but can’t find any. So I apologize for the long drawn out venting post, I found this after a link was posted by papa roach’s fb page and figured I would give it a chance.


From: j71s8 (Discord)

thank you so much for sharing your journey with us! You are loved! You matter! You are cared for so deeply! I can feel the pain of having been through a car accident myself where I was taken via air ambulance and in a coma. It is something that took me a long time to get over with a lot of therapy and many long nights of talking it out with friends about worth we have. You are worthy of life no matter the situation because you are human and for no other reason. I am sorry to hear of such troubles with covid too, my whole family had covid and one of my family members was near death. I am a long hauler myself, and while that is not anything near the same, i hope there is some middle ground there that we can start a dialogue with. You mean so much, you are loved! You matter! You are cared for greatly! Thank you for sharing!


From: Night/in/gale (Discord)

Hey friend! Thank you so much for sharing this with us, we’re so glad you’re here. I’m really sorry to hear that it’s been a rough time :(. Talking from experience it really is the succession of lots of bad things happening that really takes a toll, and it hurts to know that suicide sometimes feels like the only option. But with that said, I’m proud of you for not acting upon the thoughts! Having those thoughts sit in the back of your head must also be very tiresome and I hope you can find some respite soon from it. As for your losses, I’m very sorry to hear that so many people dear to you have gone. It’s easy to feel like it’s unfair you’re still around when those you loved aren’t, but you are worthy of life and love and recognition. Your idea to move out of state and try and start a new life is a brave one and most likely a good one! My best advice would be to keep at it, don’t give up. If you haven’t already, try reaching out to a professional, as they can help you work through some of the feelings you’re working through. And just because your brother seems to “have it more together than you” doesn’t mean in any way you’ll end up on the streets when you’re older. You’ve got so much more life to live, and so many new things to try! No storm lasts forever, take things day by day and keep track of the little positives so that the bad days don’t feel so overwhelming. We love you lots and feel free to come and chat with us whenever you want, we’d gladly listen to you!


I appreciate what you said. I know I am worthy of life now, it is just convincing and permanently changing my mindset on that, that will take time. I have tried to seek professional help but it is too expensive for me at the moment. I am happy I found this place, even though it is a saddening reason for people to gather. i am happy this place exist. Thank you.


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