Thank you so much for sharing. Your story resonates with some things my family has been through, even if, obviously, the situation is different.
It’s really hard when there’s a grief in a family. I lost my older brother two years ago as he died from an illness too. The first months after he passed away, first months of being really shocked and numb, I started to realize that this loss changed absolutely everything and everyone. Everything seem to be different since then. It’s like you have this storm that just happened quickly and erased almost everything you knew before you got the time to realize it. My family is totally different and sometimes I wonder how things are going to be in the future. I also heard and still hear my parents cry, just like you. I’m grieving a brother but I also feel their pain and want everyone to get through it.
When you say that there are different losses, gosh… it’s absolutely true. Thankfully my sister and I are adults so we didn’t need parenting the same way you need it when you’re really young. Yet sometimes I felt like a litte girl again and just wanted my parents to reassure me. But as they are dealing with their own pain, I just support them as much as I can and I accept the fact that they can’t be strong everytime.
My parents are now too old to have an other child. So it’s still quite different from what you described. It made me think: what if it happened if we were younger and my parents had an other child after my sister and I? And to be honest just the idea of thinking about it makes me feel really uncomfortable.
So there’s something you didn’t mention in your message and it makes me wonder: did you talk together about this grief you’ve all been through? Did you talk together about having younger siblings? I ask this because in my family we’ve been all dealing with grief in different ways, and something absolutely unhealthy is that we’re avoiding to talk about it together. So… it’s only my point of view, and maybe the result of some personal needs, but I really think that those changes in your family can obviously have a major impact and talking about it can be really helpful for everyone. Even for your siblings who also have a unique position in this situation.
And on the contrary, not talking about it, about how it makes you feel can make you feel alone or isolated. Can sound a bit silly but I truly think that sometimes a good communication can do miracles and is really needed, especially in such circumstances. Otherwise we start to only guess what others are thinking or feeling and it can be really harmful to do that.
So… that’s true: when you lose someone, there’s a “before” and an “after”. And even we have absolutely no control when we lose someone, we can still try to do our best to makes things smoother for everyone over time. It’s obvious that you love each other. You sound to be a really loving and caring person to them. Also your feelings are absolutely valid. So I sincerely hope there will be a way for you to talk with them and share about how you feel.
I’m not sure if sharing all of this will help you to feel less isolated.
But anyway, you are not alone, friend.