I feel like dying (trigger warning)

I had a horrible experience in my life.
I truly don’t want to love any more.
I have two beautiful kids. I had a amazing wife. Not one single bad thing I could say. She’s done everything for me and I cheated. I ruined my happily ever after.
I went in to an adult shop. I got curious seeing the arcade part and thought I’d check it out.
I went into a room with two holes in it, like it’s been cut out with tools.
I started watching tv and didn’t think much and I ending up putting my thing in a hole. I didn’t think much until I felt someone touch me. I freak out!!! I looked and saw no one, and put it in again.
I felt some one Licked me and I saw an old man!!! As I quickly put up my pants another man from behind grab my ass and said where you going!! I quickly ran out and starting puking!!
I told my wife two years later! She of course went and saw every room with one hole only and now she won’t ever want to see me ever again.
I told her the truth. I couldn’t live with myself.
But now the truth is not good.
I feel like dying. I really lost everything this year. Even if it just started.

What you said is confusing… it sounds like people attacked you in a really disgusting way.
What did you do that was cheating?

That you feel so bad is evidence that you’re a pretty decent person. Humans are complex, managing both high integrity thinking and very basic animal urges. For some reason, you fell victim to those impulses. You can’t undo it, yet the experience and your reaction prepares you for a future in which you will not do something like that again. Feelings of guilt and regret have accomplished their purpose as soon as you resolve to avoid further episodes of such negative behavior. You will heal, but it may take a bit of time.

Don’t give up on your family or yourself. What you did may be difficult to explain or understand, but within the context of your life, I suspect it was a comparatively small aberration. You remain the basically good person you were before you messed up. The world needs people such as you, who have made mistakes, learned from them and gained the kind of empathy that can help others.

Guilt and regret can lead to wisdom, if you realize it’s purpose and know when to forgive yourself and let go of the pain.


Sorry I was crying as I wrote that…
I went in. Curious it’s killed the cat.
Just the fact I went in was already cheating.
I’m religious so even watching porn is cheating and adultery.
I felt violated!! But she doesn’t believe me becuase she went in to check it out and all the walls only had one hole and I mentioned to her two.
But just the fact I went in was bad enough.
I broke her trust and ruined my family…

I feel so bad!!! I feel like it’s imposssible to forgive myself for the pain I’m causing my wife right now.
She’s had a fucked up life and I feel like I just add to it. I’ve called about 10 hotlines just trying to not do something stupid! I feel like I betrayed my whole family and I am now worthless!
In time things will be different for sure
I just wish I never did that. I would still have my family.
I ruined everything.
I’m a failure and a bad example for my two kids.
I’ve prayed and prayed and cried to god for forgiveness.
I’m so sorry. I hope this teaches everyone to value your loved ones.
My life is up side down. Don’t let yours fall to stupid temptations that are NOT WORTH IT.
I can’t stop crying!!! I love my wife!!! And I ruined her life forever!:confused:

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You mentioned that you are religious. Possibly the most important foundation of any religion is forgiveness. Forgiveness is taught, along with the reality that all can be forgiven. If you believe your religion regarding adultery, believe it regarding forgiveness as well. I had parents and another family member do far worse things, even to me. Eventually I was able to forgive them. I was able to because of Jesus’s teachings. The commandment “Love your neighbor as yourself,” is meaningless in the absence of self-love. I have a hunch that not having enough self-love contributed to your decision to investigate the porn.

Give yourself a bit of time to discern how responding to selfish impulses is evidence of not enough self-regard. When you come to understand this, you may feel confident that the added wisdom changes you as a person, one who will not fall victim to similar temptations in the future. Having become a changed person, essentially, you’re no longer the person who fell victim to your own self-defeating impulses. With realistic self-acceptance, there’s a decent chance that you can work things out with your family.

I believe you are in a state of shock and despair. Because of this, you may find it difficult to accept my words. For that reason, you need to be patient with yourself, and not make any rash decisions about anything. In time, you will understand what I’ve said, or perhaps you’ll hear something similar from someone else who helps you understand.

Let me know how you’re doing.


I’m so sorry to hear about this experience you regret. Mistakes happen, and sometimes they can make our situations a lot tougher. I’m sorry you feel like you’ve lost everything. That you called several hotlines to try to help yourself is great to hear.

Now, you have options for improving your situation. It’s easier said than done of course, but you don’t have to be working through it alone!

How are you doing today? How can HeartSupport best support?

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Hello, thanks for getting back to me.
I’m feel destroyed.
My wife hates me. She wants nothing to do with me and wants a divorce.
I tried having counseling with my pastor from church but didn’t work out.
She doesn’t want me in her life or even near my kids.
I love them all so dearly!!
I keep reading my bible and having faith.
God is good.
My life feel worse everyday.
Today she literally went at me with frustration and hate. She hit me and continued hitting me even as I ran off.
She slapped me so hard my ear stayed ringing for over an hour.
I do deserve it.
I love her and I hurt her.
She is the love of my life.
I even went out and got a tattoo (out of my comfort zone)
Saying “I love you gorgeous”
I’ve always called her gorgeous for over 7 years
It’s what I call her.
Fuck aaahhhhh!!!
Don’t know what to do. Or what will be next.
I shall keep faith in god and pray for the best.


Today all day I felt bad.
By the end of the day I’ve even had suicidal thoughts when she said I couldn’t even be in my kids lives.
I really messed up.
Prior to this incident, I confessed to her that I watch porn on my phone about 5 years ago.
I stopped but felt guilty.
I can’t do anything bad. I feel so guilty and I must tell her.
She the love of my life.
And when I went and did what I did. It was the tipping point.
The worse part was went I first told her I lied about how it happened. I was too much of a coward to tell her what I did and made up a story similar to what I did.
I told her the truth and now because I’ve lied countless times for different things I have no credibility. I should have came clean and said it how it was.
I feel so bad. I love god, and I feel like with time maybe even I can forgive myself, but 100% my wife will never.
She Amazing. Jaw dropping beautiful. Great personality. Loving, caring, sexy, great cook and amazing beat friend.
I’m just a loser. A depressed loser.
I cry everyday for that mistake!
I love her. But she feels as if I don’t.


You’re in a tough situation, and it sounds like the people around you aren’t helping at all. Do you think talking to a therapist could be helpful? HeartSupport seems to offer 7 days of free service. You mentioned talking to the pastor at your church, but they might be too “close to you” to be helpful at this time.

With rising health care costs and access to professional counselors a hardship, we’re proud to partner with BetterHelp to offer 7 free days of counseling. You’ll be matched with a counselor based on your needs. Be aware you’ll need to enter a credit card should you wish to continue , but you cancel anytime.

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You do need to take some time to work on yourself, hopefully with someone to help in a competent way. Regardless of your mistakes, you need to reach a point when you no longer identify with being a loser. If you believe yourself to be a loser, it’s almost certain that you’ll feel and act like one. It’s like living down to a self-imposed reputation. You can’t offer yourself as something of value to another person as long as you don’t feel your worth.

It’s too early to determine what will happen in your relationship with your family, and if at this time, every encounter reinforces negativity and pain, it might be best to maintain limited contact, only that which allows for necessary discussions around how to take care of the children and finances, etc.

Right now, it’s likely she’s questioning her own self-image, and whether she was unable to meet your needs. Your kids, as I did in regard to my own parents, may wonder if they’re going to have the same difficulties when they become adults.

Both of you have quite a bit of work ahead, even if you aren’t together. You need to have enough faith in yourself to live within your own standards of integrity. For me, that was a very daunting task, but it seems to have worked out. That doesn’t mean being perfect, but it does help to avoid serious mistakes.

Low self-esteem is pervasive in society, and it holds a lot of people back from personal fulfillment. In the absence of confidence, people feel incapable of deserving respect. They also feel incapable of positive change, often at a subconscious level, hence sabotage their own efforts.

Let me tell you something true: You are not and never have been a “loser.” You are a decent person who has adopted the label of “loser,” and in some ways, proceeded to act as though it was true.

Even if you can’t work things out with your family, you still owe it to them to let go of this “loser” fallacy. Your children need to see by example that they don’t need to adopt the “loser” label.

Essential inner change doesn’t occur in a heartbeat, but it does happen when one is committed. Be patient with yourself, and seek counseling if you can. You are already a far different person than you were a month ago, especially with regard to wisdom.

Let me know how it’s going.

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