Right now i feel like banging my head against a wall. Not because something bad happened but because of how i feel. I feel like i am going mad. Like life is a prison where i am stuck. Like i dont feel anything. Like i dont care about anything. I am doing stuff in live and i am moving and progressing but i dont even want to. I feel trapped in a world where i dont want to be and it is exhausting to maintain existance. I dont feel like anything matters and like i am no differet than a piece of rock. Without life just trapped. When i am in pain i at least feel something. Every time i try to do something to make myself feel good i just feel dissapointed and empty. I am just going trough the motions. It really feels like i am going mad. I should go to sleep but my mind wount let me. I feel so… empty.
I… I Think I know exactly how you feel Ashwell. I feel like this right now. I feel like there’s so much about this world that isn’t right to the point where I feel like this isn’t where I belong. And I feel like more and more people are feeling like this these days. Nothing seems right here and I wonder what the hell I’m doing here all the time, nothing in this world gives me purpose except what makes me happy, which is what other people call pointless. I’m constantly questioning who I am and I’m starting find that daydreaming is becoming better than having countless day-nightmares that never end. I’m starting to wonder if any of this is truly real and if there’s a way out of it. Out of this… cycle. This cage. None of this seems right and I don’t want any part of it anymore either. I’m in college but nothing about it seems meaningful, it feels like someone trying to train me to be a robot, working is the same thing, everything, surrounded by that. When I’m with friends though is when I feel alive. So I’m starting to see that reality, for me, is whatever makes me happy and that gives me purpose, it gives me motivation to live and love existing. But most of the time the things that make me happy aren’t part of this world. And you can’t use friends to be happy either. I guess there truly is no freedom in the physical world.
Right now i am just lying in bed feeling like crap. I have a temptation to hurt myself and i feel like dying. But i dont have the energy. I should be doing some things but i just cant. I am also worried about part time job and school. How the hell will i manage going to work or study like this. I have zero motivation or energy and i just dont find things enjoyable. I just dont want to exist.
Ive noticed alot of my depression comes from when I have things I need to work on. I found that when I just did it I felt a bit more relaxed. You could try that. Not having the best day either. Think I’m either losing my friends or its just my rejection anxiety, so I will be talking to my headmates more often. They will probably help me ignore people again. I woke up this morning feeling pretty angry about people. So I guess I’m gonna have a moody day.
Somebody kill me. I just dont want to be here.
I really wish you didn’t feel that way : (
Please try to give yourself some rest <3
Feeling a bit better now. Still not good but fine i guess. Maybe i am just too numb or disconected but i dont feel that crappy anymore. Thanks for the support. Much appreciated
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