I feel like I can't better myself for my sister, and it's causing me to lose hope

This is my first time on here. I came here, because I feel like I have no one or no where else to turn to for this. This is mainly about me and my sister, and how my behavior is making her feel horrible. It makes me feel horrible too. But every time I try to harness strength to be a better person towards my sister, I fail. I fail, because my anger issues have been getting the best of me since I was a little kid. I struggle with high-functioning Autism and Depression, as I have been officially diagnosed with both just a couple of years ago, when I was 17. I was previously diagnosed with Autism alone when I was 3. But now, I’m 19, and my sister just turned 10 last month. I know she’s just a kid that’s still growing, and I don’t disregard that in any way. We just argue so much, and our behavior just never improves. Call me childish, call me a man-baby, call me whatever.

I don’t want to disclose the reasoning behind my anger issues and depression, because it is all irrelevant. My anger is always getting the best of me in between myself and my little sister, and it’s putting a major strain on our relationship. I fear that if it keeps happening, something very ugly would unfold, and I would have no choice but to bear the blame. I deeply love my sister, but I feel like I shouldn’t even love myself at all. I’m toxic, I’m sick, I feel like I hurt people way too much, and I’m starting to lose hope in myself as a person. Often times, I feel like my sister’s life would be better without me. I want to better myself, I want to have the strength, but I don’t. I feel like I can’t show my true emotions to my sister, because I feel like they don’t matter to her. But I don’t expect that at all.

Do I really not have the strength to better myself? Am I just being lazy?

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Hi thorvoodam,

Thank you so much for sharing here. First I want to point out how obvious it is that you care deeply for your little sister. It sounds like you are struggling a lot with some personal issues, and yet you are still focused on the way those issues impact your sister and your relationship with her. She is lucky to have someone in her life who cares for her so much that they would be willing to change just to benefit her. I can tell that you are a better older brother than you believe simply, because you care so deeply for her and your relationship with her is so important to you.

You say “I feel like I shouldn’t even love myself” wow, that is such a heavy feeling to bare. To feel like you want to receive love from your sister but you don’t even deserve to be loved. I want you to think about that statement, because everyone deserves love. I know that you deserve love.

I admire your strength in posting so vulnerably about how sometimes you feel like your sisters life would be better without you. Now, I know that isn’t true because it is very obvious that even though your relationship has flaws you still care for her deeply and that is incredibly valuable. I also know that wanting to create a better life is the first step to creating one. So congrats friend you are already on your way. Now, what is the next step? It’s for you to decide.

Sending love. You are strong and important. Hold fast.

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@thorvoodam3000

Have you thought about talking to her in a calm matter?

Hey @thorvoodam3000,

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. :heart:

You’re not lazy. And I personally don’t think it’s a matter of strength. What I read through your post is that you love your sister, without any doubt, but you’re also struggling on your own. I was diagnosed for anxiety and depression quite some years ago now. And let’s be honest: depression takes a toll on our emotions. Some days when I’m very low I become more irritated for very insignificant things. There was a time when I was not super kind to my husband. I wouldn’t really respond to him, or not in an understanding way, I was prone to contradict him almost all the time. I didn’t want to be like this. And I was really afraid to lose him because of my attitude. But as I understood how much my depression was impacting me, my mood, my patience, I started to be more open to discuss with him about it, also to give myself some grace while dealing with this. I had so much anger, and still sometimes feel that. It’s unfair to have to deal with this kind of diagnosis. And when I’m very tired, when someone interacts with me I tend to receive it as an annoyance, even if I deeply love the person.

It’s not your fault, friend. From what I understand, autism also causes some difficulty to communicate with others and feel safe while doing it. It’s not easy. And by saying that it’s not your fault, I’m not saying that having a behavior that would hurt someone else is good. Only that there are some reasons behind that has to be acknowledged and understood. And the reason why it’s needed is because it will help you to understand yourself more, to understand your reactions and learn new ways to communicate with others.

It’s interesting that you say this:

I don’t want to disclose the reasoning behind my anger issues and depression, because it is all irrelevant.

You absolutely don’t have to disclose those reasons here. That’s totally fine and your right entirely. But may I ask why do you think it’s irrelevant? Because you’re not toxic, you’re not childish. You’re struggling. And pushing away the reasons why you’re struggling can feel more comfortable, but unfortunately it’s not a solution in the long run. Especially if it pushes you to blame yourself for things that are, somehow beyond your control right now.

but I feel like I shouldn’t even love myself at all

You don’t have to actively love yourself to be okay with yourself. But you’ll certainly need to learn to accept yourself, to accept your strengths and your struggles. Just as you are right now, without any judgment. So you can actually take healthy steps for yourself, your sister, and just everyone you care about. But it’s hard and uncomfortable. I get it, really. Though it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. You have worth just by being who you are.

You’re not a monster. You’re not a bad person. You’re just facing some hardships and sometimes the only way we find to express it is through anger. But you’re totally right: it doesn’t have to be like this. Other steps can be taken, for your own well-being. It’s really powerful to be aware of this.

I struggle with high-functioning Autism and Depression, as I have been officially diagnosed with both just a couple of years ago, when I was 17.

If I may ask: how are you dealing with these diagnosis? How do you feel about it?

Sending love to you. :heart:

@taylorpalmby @Micro I can’t thank you both enough for the very kind words of understanding and compassion. And AVJR to answer your question, there were times when speaking to my sister calmly actually worked, and there were times when it didn’t. So it’s something I’m rather wary of.

Over the past few days as I received your responses, I did my best to re-evaluate myself and how I work as a person. How I respond to others’ behavior, and how much a lot of it actually doesn’t have anything to do with me. But your responses have helped rather tremendously. I’m so thankful for all of them, because I now I truly know that I’m not alone. You know, I heard about HeartSupport from a band I’ve been a huge fan of for nearly a decade; As I Lay Dying, and how much help they are trying to spread to more people who need it. If I never listened to that band’s music, I honestly wouldn’t be here, getting the help from you guys.

Back to the subject, to answer another question, I dealt with these somewhat new diagnosis rather improperly for quite some time. Because I never had access to therapy, as neither I or my mom could afford it, so I don’t blame her in any way. Now I’m very grateful for my mother, because she always did her best to help me in my life. But since I’m feeling more comfortable with having this conversation, I’ll share some of the reasons behind my stacked-up depression. A lot of the meaning to the damage was lost, but the damage itself is still there. To name a few reasons, my father overdosed on heroin and died when I was 15, after not being able to see him since I was 12. Not even one time. That was a train-wreck. Last January, my girlfriend left me after two years of commitment and effort. I loved her very, very much. Two whole years. And then, there’s COVID-19. There are more reasons, but I don’t feel as comfortable sharing. But I’m glad I could tell you these things now. While this does not ultimately fix everything, it brings more light and comfort.

Thank you so much for your inspiring words and questions. As Tim Lambesis once said on behalf your entire community, there can be hope for everyone. Thank you.

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What a heartwarming message, @thorvoodam3000. Thank you for taking the time to respond. :heart: I’m really glad to hear that you took some time to reflect on yourself and the situation. That sounds to be a very important thing to be aware of:

How I respond to others’ behavior, and how much a lot of it actually doesn’t have anything to do with me.

Congrats for acknowledging that, really. Sometimes we are so stuck in our own mind that it can be hard to see something with a larger perspective. But it sounds that you’re doing great right now.

There are more reasons, but I don’t feel as comfortable sharing.

That’s totally okay. No pressure at all. Thank you for your trust and sharing all of this already.

I’m so sorry. These are some very difficult things to carry on with you. Losing people we love is incredibly painful. I feel that, friend. Grief is such a hard process. But you’ve been really brave to keep pushing through. Despite, as you said, just covid piling up on the top of everything else. Just the state of this world as it is now can trigger old and recent wounds. I’ve been in this process myself. It forces me to face some things that I pushed away basically to just survive. But time still goes on, and we can still learn to move on, step by step.

But I’m glad I could tell you these things now. While this does not ultimately fix everything, it brings more light and comfort.

I’m glad to read that. Here to listen, anytime. Keep doing great. :heart:

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