Firstly, sorry for my bad english – it’s not my main language. I saw a message about this website on Kitboga stream and I thought about going into it. I even don’t know why I’m writing this, maybe I just hadn’t got anyone listening to me in a while.
So, about me: I’m 20 years old, a year ago I gradueted secondary school and since then I’m staying at home and I don’t know what to do with myself. In my family there were a lot of arguing, once even a violence and almost divorce between my parents. I know it affected on me a lot and I’m struggling with a lot of mental diseases (like lack of self confidence, social phobia etc.). I have only 1 friend, who live so far away from me that I never met him in real life (we met on the internet a few years ago). I’m going to psychiatrist for half a year and I’m taking medicines (which helped me a lot) but I still some days feel worthless like for the last few years. I feel so lonely, even there are people around me. When I look around I feel like I don’t fit into this world. When I see pathology, sad, poor, suffering people I just don’t want to live in this world. I know that ideal world isn’t possible, becouse no one is perfect but everything can make me feel really depressed (even when I see a happy couple – it makes me think that I will never find a girl that will love me as much as I would like to love her – I also don’t feel like I would ever find a girlfriend through my lack of self confidence). I thought about a suicide a lot of times, but I know I couldn’t do this – there are 2 older people who I really care about and I know it would break them. When I think about finding a job I feel like I can’t handle the tasks I’m given and I will be fired very fast, even when the tasks will be very simple.
Fortunetaly there is more good than bad days, when I don’t think about that, but sometimes even a small view of injustice or violence can turn this day into a depressed one.
Sorry again for this mess and probably lots of mistakes, but I don’t remember when I was writing such a long essay lately. There is much more that’s going through my mind but I already feel exhausted by writing this all in foreign language.
Thank you for all your answers.