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I feel like I don't fit into this world

Hi

Firstly, sorry for my bad english – it’s not my main language. I saw a message about this website on Kitboga stream and I thought about going into it. I even don’t know why I’m writing this, maybe I just hadn’t got anyone listening to me in a while.

So, about me: I’m 20 years old, a year ago I gradueted secondary school and since then I’m staying at home and I don’t know what to do with myself. In my family there were a lot of arguing, once even a violence and almost divorce between my parents. I know it affected on me a lot and I’m struggling with a lot of mental diseases (like lack of self confidence, social phobia etc.). I have only 1 friend, who live so far away from me that I never met him in real life (we met on the internet a few years ago). I’m going to psychiatrist for half a year and I’m taking medicines (which helped me a lot) but I still some days feel worthless like for the last few years. I feel so lonely, even there are people around me. When I look around I feel like I don’t fit into this world. When I see pathology, sad, poor, suffering people I just don’t want to live in this world. I know that ideal world isn’t possible, becouse no one is perfect but everything can make me feel really depressed (even when I see a happy couple – it makes me think that I will never find a girl that will love me as much as I would like to love her – I also don’t feel like I would ever find a girlfriend through my lack of self confidence). I thought about a suicide a lot of times, but I know I couldn’t do this – there are 2 older people who I really care about and I know it would break them. When I think about finding a job I feel like I can’t handle the tasks I’m given and I will be fired very fast, even when the tasks will be very simple.

Fortunetaly there is more good than bad days, when I don’t think about that, but sometimes even a small view of injustice or violence can turn this day into a depressed one.

Sorry again for this mess and probably lots of mistakes, but I don’t remember when I was writing such a long essay lately. There is much more that’s going through my mind but I already feel exhausted by writing this all in foreign language.

Thank you for all your answers.

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Hi this is your life just try not to be scared to work where you want and try meet people who share similar interests to you whenever you can. Im sure things will get better for you and im sure alot of people in your life want to see you happy and so do al of us. Just keep your head up you still got time to figure everything out I believe in you

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Avvw,

First off, brilliant – thank you so much for persevering to choose to write this in English. Everything made total sense and your English is really good.

Thanks for coming in through Kit – we love Kit and feel very connected to his community, as many of our core members came in through his viewers.

Everything you wrote makes total sense. It’s really hard to feel like pain around you becomes pain inside of you. That if your mind lands on something, it can twist that situation to see the LACK in your own life. It can begin to feel really unsafe living inside of your mind – it feels like there’s no escaping the pain, because that’s all you can see.

One of the things that strikes me is that you’re a very capable individual. The reason your brain defaults to seeing the problems is that it has given you some kind of benefit. Sometimes trying to “predict problems” or trying to be critical is a way to defend ourselves. A lot of us become cynical when we learn that it’s easier and safer to cut things down rather than be vulnerable. Where do you think this came from? Typically, the way we act can be sourced to a place in our story. So, how did you develop a proficiency at cynicism?

One of the things in my own story that I realized is that I became SUPER self-critical, because I was criticized by my dad all the time. Everything I did, he had some way of telling me how I could have/should have done it better. So I started to learn this not only as a way to relate to myself because that’s how my dad related to me, but also I saw it as a way to protect myself FROM his criticism. I believed that if I could have “known” the criticism that he was going to say it would hurt me less. For instance, “Son, you should have tried harder on this test,” and my reply, “Yeah yeah yeah I know, I already thought of that.” My own self-criticism felt like it could be a shield against others’ criticism. So I built these walls only to find out that the real enemy lied within – myself. I was beating myself up, only knowing how to negatively relate to myself.

But when you know my story, you are able to understand why no matter how successful I became, I still felt completely inadequate, completely inferior…scared, honestly. It wouldn’t make sense on the outside, or why I would hate myself when I succeed…but when you realize where my mind developed, you can understand why I’d feel that way.

In the same sense, beginning to understand your own story, how you grew up, the things that caused you pain and how you defended yourself from potentially experiencing that pain in the future…these are really important data points to begin to understand yourself. And if you can understand yourself, you’re empowered to make changes. You can’t fight an invisible enemy. But once you name him, once you see him, once you understand what you’re up against, you’re capable to fight for a change.

One of the things that helped me begin to understand my own story was recovery and counseling. Even if you don’t have an addiction, a lot of “recovery resources” focus on your story for this very reason. And a lot of recovery resources are free or cheap. Therapy is brilliant and can be targeted and focused on this very issue. However, it’s more expensive (BetterHelp, our counseling partner is $280/month; but think how much your cynicism costs you and keeps you from a full life…the cost is definitely worth it, YOU are worth it).

Here’s the truth: you’re brilliant and capable. Your mind may not be working the way you want it to right now, but you are not powerless. You can find the freedom of thought, of being, that you hope for. I believe in you.

Hold fast, friend.

-Nate

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@NateTriesAgain
It took me a while to understand all of this, but it was really worth this time. You are wonderful person, I wish I’ll meet a lot of people like you.
Everything you wrote made me better understand myself and now I know where to start making my life better. Thank you very much for your time.

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