Hello HeartSupport Community,
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It’s been a while since I last posted on here but try to remain active within the HeartSupport Community on the Discord and on Twitch.
This is practically going to be a Huge mind dump, but I do write I posts in MS Word before Copy and pasting it to the Support Wall but getting all this information out doesn’t always make the best sense. This is quite long, but I didn’t know how to shorten it without missing anything out
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So, Since I have finished my last examinations I have decided to try and introduce myself back into the dating scene, since April because I thought it was time to start and branch out because I want to try this, and I think I was ready this time. But, as I have mentioned in my previous posts I do struggle with some self-image issues which don’t help here. I’m going to talk about them in the context of the issue which is going on now.
I’m a Student that weighs 13 Stone- Something (83 Kilogram in Metric) and I do not bother with how much I weigh per say, it’s just I don’t like the belly fat that appears and doesn’t help in something in this matter. I ware my weight well it’s just when looking at myself in the mirror I don’t think it looks good. I have this voice in my head saying, “You’re not good enough for this, you’re too fat and those other guys are far better than you.” And this is constantly keeping me down and being restrictive upon myself. It’s also similar to this like I still have the “Baby-face” or “Chubby-Checks” which makes you look younger and I don’t like it because I want to look older and mature.
I also have a shy personality with a person until I have built some ground and might find it a little awkward and maybe being seen as weird or strange due to being more restrictive then normal due to not knowing how to personally act and speak with them until I have a better understanding and this doesn’t help when meeting new people have having the people that you want to become close with or good friends with and you’re worrying what they’re thinking of you.
I messaged one of my friends and said that I was feeling this way, but I don’t think her advice was as arcuate as it could have been because she says I’ve got to keep my head up high and ignore all these negative effects like their nothing, but I don’t think she realises it’s a voice in your head is stopping you from doing something because of past experiences or fear of looking stupid.
Every negative effect in the attempts before has really made me gun-shy and I have been very scared to get back to this again and every time it doesn’t go well it makes me terrified to be judged by other people.
I also I don’t think I fully comprehend how I flirt and getting people to like you really works and I just assume, and I just become friends with them and I don’t know how to take it any further, because they all seem to see me as a friend and it goes nowhere. I even ask people if they want to do something with friends, just being friendly and nowhere near a close-close phase just good friends they don’t seem very keen and it really confuses me, and I just keep thinking that these girls are much better then me and wouldn’t look at me twice.
The major thing is that I had close feelings for a girl for like a year and we were very close and we could talk about anything and I just let go and told her everything and she shut me out and wanted to be out of my life and the fear of this happening again is scaring me. Therefore, it’s hard to be open about my feelings and emotions, because I scared of being judged, people don’t feel the same as me and in the relationship way that she doesn’t want to even see me anymore. In my mind, it made more sense to bottle up my emotional feels towards someone when there could have been a chance of everything happening, but to avoid anything bad happening I just suppressed them, and I knew that wasn’t good.
I hope this makes sense it’s just something that has been going on and been quite hard to talk about, but I have been so confused and annoyed by this and I need to ask you guys.
Hey Mini, I’m glad you’re here and able to talk to us on here! Not everything is based on how you look, aslong as you feel happy within yourself, that’s okay. It sounds as though this girl has had a massive affect on you and I can promise you that not everyone will walk away from you. It takes time to find the right person, but you will find them. You need to just let it happen when it happens. There are always people here you can reach out to and will not judge you. Your thoughts aren’t something that you can just let go of, I know. Try and just remember, its not YOU that is telling you this. It’s your anxiety and that’s totally ok. You CAN control your anxiety, it doesn’t have to control you. Okay, it was someone close. But that doesn’t mean that everyone is going to abandon you when you reach out. There are people out there that love you, but always remember that this is a safe place for you to come where you will be appreciated and loved endlessly.
Please know that you’re not alone when it comes to self-esteem issues. Also, 83 kilos (183 lbs) is not heavy at all! Last I checked the body-mass-index calculator, 183 lbs is still in the healthy range!
Anyway, let me tell you a story. One of my best friends moved to Colorado around 8 years ago. He had a history of struggling with severe anxiety and depression. Around the same time that he was leaving, I was beginning to feel deep depression for the first time (via family issues). About a week before he moved away, he looked at me and said, “Eric, do you want to know the secret to beating this thing? Look at yourself in the mirror every morning and every night, and say 3 truths about yourself. You’ll be surprised at what you start to believe.” We all tend to believe whatever we consistently tell ourselves, whether it be truths or lies. I challenge you to start speaking truths over yourself. It’ll be awkward and uncomfortable at first, but I promise you that it’ll be worth it in the long run! One of my favorite quotes is, “You are your own worst critic.” I’m currently learning to be softer on myself (I’m typically very hard on myself), because I’m consistently told that I’m better than what I believe. Adam, I promise you that you’re so much better than you believe you are. Once you start to believe the truths of yourself, you’ll begin to see yourself as a more confident person, which, in return, will reflect positively in your dating life.
I just want to say firstly thank you for posting here, it is not taken for granted. I am glad you are able to talk to us about these things.
I would like to state that it is very important to remember that your worth is not based on another person. I want you to know you do not have to change for others.
Hi Mini! Can I say first of all that I actually prefer guys with a little bit of weight on them, so please don’t let that idea pester you too much, I know easier said than done! As I think someone else said it’s the personality that counts most… I’m not sure how to best help at all except I mean… I’m a girl and it seems like the things you find as weaknesses in your personality and aesthetics are actually the things I find most endearing about guys. I say that in the context that there is someone for everyone and the most important thing is you love yourself. You might always be self conscious but don’t get down on yourself about it, accept it and know it’s part of who you are. My significant other is shy and quiet and very much an observant person who takes his time to open up and these are the things that to me, a very anxious and distrusting person, gave me a sense of security because he would listen and he would always be there for me very unobtrusively as a friend. In fact we were friends for months before I even realized my feelings for him.
We met and still talk in an unusual context, I guess, online in a game. We are long distance. What I want to say the most is you’re a unique man, so don’t press yourself into a context for people who aren’t like you, like the usual dating scene will not be a place where you can gain confidence about your strengths and gifts. Find an environment with less pressure, where you can slowly observe and get to know a girl maybe before you even approach her so you get a better idea of how to talk to her on your terms, in your time and maybe she won’t be creeped out or spooked either (like I easily am by new people in general) cause she will be used to you being in her environment too. Idk if any of that makes sense, and I am not sure if that is the kind of reply you were looking for but I’m here to keep replying if need be, or you can tell me to go away lol. Oh the last thing I wanted to mention is something I heard on youtube once is if you like a girl where you can’t see her in any other context than a romantic relationship, don’t blur that line. I myself, am not sure about this cause I always wanted my first relationship to be my best friend first, but we hear about “the friendzone” a lot and i’ve heard this is the main reason cause your intentions get muddied. Hope this helped a little.
Hey friend,
I’m so sorry how you feel and I’m so sorry hownyour having these issue. Tbh , I kinda was in your place a couple years ago where I was self contious about my baby pictures and stuff . I just want you to know you are amazing and not let what others think about you bother you . You are a smart young person and you diserve better . Just know you are worth it and everything will better . Btw don’t let your weight interfere with what you do or who you date . Let yourself be you . If a person doesn’t except for who you are , you don’t diserve them you diserve what’s best For YOU! Hold fast friend and you’re worth it !
Hey bud, i was introduced to heartsupport through twitch. Seems like we’re in a similar boat there ;p. I’ve said this before and it’s mind blowing to think about the fact there are 7.8 billion people in the world and you are the only you. There is no one with the same hair, personality, looks, music taste, emotions, and struggles as you. You are a miracle and the fact that you are here shows you have a purpose in this life. Struggling with how I look is something that has always affected me, but 183 lbs (83kilos) is not heavy, actually you’re at a pretty healthy weight. Its important to know that appearance and personality do not go hand in hand. Even though I am sure you are stunning, by coming here it proves to me you are strong and worth it. Having a baby face actually is a fun thing, I have never met someone with a baby face that didnt have an adorable smile or something along the lines of that. If someone shuts you out for being real and honest with them, maybe it is better to not talk to them. I know first hand that is not easy to hear but its important to know that the older you get the better friends you will get. Good luck in you classes, im sure you got this! We’re always here if you need someone to talk to/advice.
- Eric