I feel like I let my anxiety screw up every relationship around me

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I always thought I was really strong. But most of the time I think the worst of people, that no one means well towards me. Which makes me get angry or push them away. Thats not being strong, thats being scared. And its really hard finding that out cause I’ve been through a lot but I always thought I got through cause of my strenght.

But the actual case is when people love me I’m scared that I will bore them or they will leave me just like that cause I feel like I don’t matter to anyone. I feel like I can’t be special to people like they are to me. I’m used to everyone just forgetting about me. And being scared of the people I love leaving me tends to out itself through me always defending myself while theres no need. It feels like that is a protective mechanism to me, but in fact I screw up the bonds that I have with those people. I feel like I make them hate me when its my own insecurities making that real by fucking it up.

I come from a pretty bad background so I know why this is happening to me. I just always acted like it just happened, it only made me stronger and I’m happy how it made me today cause I could’ve ended up much worse.

My parents got divorced out of nowhere when I was 11 years old. Next day my mom took me to her new boyfriend cause they dicided I would go live with my mom. Back then I didn’t know how weird that actually was cause apparently she had a new relationship already while still being with my dad. She only focused on that and I was just left to myself. I’m really introverted and when I was a kid I was always scared to say anything cause my mom and her boyfriend always used to say I could only say stupid stuff so I should just shut up. Besides that they told me I looked ugly, I always got abused when I did anything wrong from turning a dvd player off or just forgetting something. I would get beat up by her new bf. I walked away to my dad when I was 16 and started living there but after everything I’ve been trough no one thought about getting me help so I could learn to live with what happened. It felt like it was just kept a secret what happened to me. And when I tried to tell people in my family they stopped me cause they didnt want to know cause it was too much for them to handle? That hurt me the worst. My dad didnt know how to bring up this angry teen that I was. So I had to do everything myself and find out everything myself. No one really seemed to bother. I was just there and I always just felt like a ghost to people.

I always thought I got out of this really well cause I turned out like a really loving person although I didnt get much myself. Sometimes I just really scare myself when I feel insecure and I push people away. I go into a rage that they don’t care about me and with that thought in my head it feels like nothing matters anymore they’ll betray me anyway. So I just go off like a scared dog. I really try to do this less cause those people dont deserve that and I really wanna trust people that they can actually care for me. But sometimes it feels like I can’t turn that off. And the problem is I do this myself. I hardly make contact with people cause I feel like no one wants to be my friend. In relationships its really hard for me to open up, and when I do I’m always scared in the back of my mind that they will leave me so I go into defense mode everythime something small happens. I have a dog, even with her I think she would be happier with someone else.

I know its a lot of word vomit. But I just wish I knew more people who went through this or that I would stop feeling like a ghost to everyone.

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Hey hope you’re feeling better, I know you might be coming from a rough place but do remember that you’re strong you got this you can get through it. Things like these take time to get used to you can start to open up little by little. I’m sure there are so many people out there who mean well all you have to do is open up just a little and soon enough you’ll overcome this.

Best wishes!

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Hey Johanna, thanks for sharing your story. I can’t imagine growing up in that kind of environment, but I’m glad you were able to get out of your situation!

It’s good to hear that you’re self-aware of those tendencies. I hope that day by day you’ll be able to slowly overcome these struggles and that you can find ways to curb the anxiety—I’ve had those moments myself and they truly are scary!

Wish you the best!
Brian

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Hey @Johanna,

How you feel makes sense, especially in regards of your own story. I’m so sorry you’ve been through such abuses. It’s not fair. I feel what you just shared, your words, with all my heart. I grew up with an abusive, violent parent as well. And the memories of this are still haunting me, especially when I feel vulnerable or not comfortable in my own skin. I’m sorry you were also silenced by your own family when you shared about what was happening. When you were actually asking for help. I know how it feels. You did the right thing at the moment. But they had the worst reaction possible. It was their fault and their responsability.

Despite all of this, despite what you’ve been through, even if it shapes who you are in a certain way, it doesn’t shape you entirely. You are still in control and you still have the possibility to heal, and to heal from the effects of it now that you are not in the same environment.

In relationships its really hard for me to open up, and when I do I’m always scared in the back of my mind that they will leave me so I go into defense mode everythime something small happens.

I can relate a lot to this. Not with the same reaction you described - being in rage and being worried people might leave me though. To me it’s more: I accepted the idea that people won’t be interested to stay with me so I won’t fight for our relationship, even if they’re really dear to my heart. I just tend to disappear in silence and let myself be forgotten. Which is not better. But for both of us, it’s about the same self-fulfilling prophecy: we’re not good enough, so people will leave at some point without a doubt, so why not pushing them away/why not going away before it actually happens?

Opening up is a real struggle. Trusting someone feels so risky. And honestly since I’ve been in the Heartsupport community I made progresses that I couldn’t even imagine before. Because I see and talk to people who are constant in their attitudes and in the way they see me. Which is respectful and helps me to learn to trust others again, at my own pace. I’ve learned here that being surrounded by people who love you unconditionally is a precious, very precious gift. And it is needed to learn to trust others again. But if it can come from others, it also has to come from yourself.

The fact that you’re aware of your reactions is very important. It’s a strength. A major one. There are some wounds that need to be healed, from your past. Part of it will come from you, but also from the interactions you have with others. You didn’t ask for what happened to you. But now, today, in the present moment you can still work on your insecurities and be in control when it’s about how you react.

As said before, trusting someone with yourself can feel very risky. And there is, objectively, always a risk to be hurt in every relationship. Yet it’s also this risk that makes it worth it. Because it allows you to learn to know some beautiful people in this world. You can’t love someone truly without experiencing loss at some point. It’s two sides of the same thing. It’s fragile, vulnerable, but it’s also what makes it beautiful.

Give yourself the time you need to deconstruct those walls around your heart. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t pressure yourself. It is obvious that you are willing to change this way to function. It comes from your guts. And it gives you a strong motivation to overcome this tendency to reject people when you feel too vulnerable.

“We’re not good enough” for those who were supposed to love us and protect us as we were young, is the kind of conclusion we can have for ourselves because of our past. This brings a lot of insecurities. And this is what you can learn to work on. Self-love, or at least self-acceptance, is not easy. Not acquired in a day. But it’s an interesting path to chose, despite what you’ve been through before. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t about you. It’s still not. Allow yourself to make babysteps. Even consider to let others know about your doubts/insecurities - without making it too overwhelming for you or the other person.

This is a process. It can be long. It can feel sometimes like you’re taking one step further and five steps back. But you’ll be okay. You’ll overcome this. And if you have the possibility, don’t hesitate to seek for professional help/therapy. It can be of a great help just to process all of this, to identify where you are in your life and get practical tools to move on, to move where you want to be.

Hold fast. :heart:

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Thank you. Trying my best <3

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Thank you so much for your reaction. First: You write beautifully and this brought me to tears. Its nice that there are people who understand how it feels.

I think I came a long way already building up my confidence through the years. But I still have moments once in a while that make me feel like I don’t matter. And than its like everything comes back to me again.

I think theres only so much I can do myself and the best way to really learn to live with this is to try to get professional help.

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@Johanna

Well, I’m glad you shared about your story. You know, it gives also some strengths to those who read you, and I include myself. It’s brave of you. And it can inspire others to do the same. Which is important, as pain can seem unbearable because of silence, fears and taboos. So, thank you. :heart:

I think I came a long way already building up my confidence through the years. But I still have moments once in a while that make me feel like I don’t matter. And than its like everything comes back to me again.

I think I understand what you mean. And honestly, I don’t know if anyone already told you that, but you’ve been very strong already to go through this, through the past few years, and to be willing to work on what’s holding you back. It shows how much determined you are to repair something that has been broken before. And is there a more beautiful way to do that than to actually learn to treat yourself with respect, love, compassion - including through your relationships? All those things you need in your heart and soul. And again, it’s not easy, it’s not a straight path, but you’ll get there progressively.

Sometimes I too feel really dragged back into the past, with all the negative feelings I can have about myself that go along with them. No matter how many efforts I do to move on, I tend to feel stuck in a constant guilt to exist. Memories, the pain that comes with it can be very intense. There are different layers of grief. About life, love, family, ourselves. But thankfully, we don’t have to give up on everything because of what happened. We just have to recreate our own definitions of what love, life and family means to us. I’d like to think that something beautiful can arise from our past wounds. Like a deep capacity to embrace and cherish the beauty in this world, in others. Resilience is a slow process, but a very powerful one. You’re already on this path. And there is no doubt you will keep moving on. So I hope you are proud of what you accomplished already. :heart:

I think theres only so much I can do myself and the best way to really learn to live with this is to try to get professional help.

It can be of a great help, for sure. It can also take some time to find the right therapist, but if you consider it then don’t let yourself discouraged by this. It’s just like for every relationship: a matter of learning to trust the other person, but this time in an environment that is 100% safe to you.

I didn’t mention it earlier, but Heartsupport has a partnership for a 7-days free trial with BetterHelp, which is an online counseling service with real professionals. Maybe it could be worth it to check that one day - no pressure intended, of course. Here’s the link for more informations, as well as other resources available here on HS: https://heartsupport.com/resources/

I’ll just finish this post with a quote from Tolkien - who is honestly a great inspiration to me, as his work was briliant and very subtle:

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”

Pain, darkness, grief are real. But there is always a potential for growth in this world, in this life. And this life is yours. Keep trying, keep making sure that your inner flame will brighten your way. You matter. And you are enough because you are you. :heart: