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I feel like I’m drowning in my own sadness

I just feel so sad all the time. It used to be manageable but lately all I do is stay in bed. Ignore all my school assignments. Nothing interests me anymore and I just feel so empty. Sometimes I need to cry but I hold it in because I’m around people. Once I get the chance to be alone it’s like I’m a empty shell. My parents won’t understand. My mom once walked in on me crying and I was hiding behind my shelf. She continued to scream at me and say “I don’t understand you” The other day my dad told me “I don’t like being around depressed people.” And then the next day they act like nothing ever happened. I feel all these emotions and I don’t know how to express it. I feel so much repressed anger and I hate it. I get irritated really easily which makes things worse. My sisters understand they both feel awful. My older sister is depressed and both of my sisters want to commit suicide. My half sister already did, 2009. My dad refuses to believe it was a suicide but she was hurting and no one helped. It hurts because Christmas’s will never be the same. Every Christmas Eve my dad gets really drunk and I hear him cry every year. I just wish I had someone to talk to. I’m always scared that someone I care about will commit suicide. Multiple people in my life want to and I can’t help any of them if I can’t even help myself. If you read all through that thanks for listening.

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My dear friend, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I can honestly say I know how it feels (one of my brothers died when he was 16, I was 20 at the time). I wish you comfort as those hard days approach.

Hmm. It is a shame that your parents don’t seem to accept your situation. Have you ever tried to explain how you’ve been feeling to your mother? Maybe if she actually did understand you, she would be more able to help.

I’m so sorry about what your father said. That must’ve been a very hurtful thing to hear. It sounds like your father is fighting his own demons regarding his child’s suicide. I would actually not be surprised if he feels very similar to the way you do. As a parent, he may feel that he can’t show his children weakness and it can be hard to be around people when they are depressed, unfortunately.

This is not to say that you are in any way a bad person or that any of this is your fault. Your parents should be there to support you when you are having a hard time and it seems like right now they are failing you, and that’s sad.

I know it’s not the same as having someone there physically, but you are welcome here and I know everyone will try their best to listen to whatever you want to share and give you encouragement. You deserve to have someone who will listen.

Sending hugs your way.

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Hey. I’m so sorry all this is happening to you. I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone like that, but I too have trouble with my parents. Your dad seems like he doesn’t want to look upset in front of you, probably knowing how it’s affected you too. I think opening up to him about how you feel about all this is something that’ll bring you closer, and allow you to feel more vulnerable with him. Deep down, I’m sure he wants that too, but doesn’t want to approach you about it. He wants to be there for you but is struggling. I wish you the best of luck in all this.

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@julie3 I’ve been meaning to join HeartSupport for years and finally did today (so this is my first response to a post). Reading your sincere heartache brought back memories of childhood. Losing loved ones to suicide is extremely difficult and heartbreaking, but you are not alone. You taking the time and energy to write here is a demonstration of the strength and resolve you have to heal and improve in life.

While nothing interests you anymore, what used to interest you and why?

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hi and welcome to the community
look girl it’s been a while i am the same way and life has been tough recently but you are not alone thousends of people struggle like us every day and i think we shouldn’t give upn
staying in bed doesn’t fix anything but makes it worst just get out of bed and watch outside the window and take a deep breath
i hope it’s gonna be fine and you have us now we talk to each other we post our feelings and support each other
so welcome again and be safe
take care

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@julie3

You can help others, yet not knowing what to do with your own life. I know what it’s like when everyone around say something like: “Ow, it’s just a depression! Go and make a 30 minutes walk and everything will be ok!”. Or classical: “The glass is half full, you just need to look positive”. They know NOTHING about what we’re facing everyday. I’m so glad that i found a community with people who understand and will not say that it’s just a small fever.

I totally understand your situation with parents, because i had the same in my childhood, but with psychic and physical violence. I cannot solve the damage made to my mind and soul more than 20 years.

You are not alone.

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I used to love singing, playing the piano, and writing music. I was so passionate about it. Every time I try to create music it feels as if there’s nothing there.

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Creating music is a wonderful outlet. Sorry to hear that you’re unable to create right now. Perhaps try singing and playing some of your favorite songs for now rather than writing new music? Even if it doesn’t magically change everything in your life, it could change a few minutes of your day, and that’s a great place to start.

@julie3

If you find how and where to find passion for it - please tell. Same here, but with guitar and writing music. I just take the instrument and sit, then hang it back.

About 10-12 years ago i found that playing melodies with your favorite bands is quite cheering. Just play along the track on the piano or sing. It won’t solve your problems, but it will make you a little bit closer to happiness.

Other method that i came to writing this post to you is your feelings. If you’re sad or angry, just sit and write an sad and angry song! Write it for yourself!

p.s. i’m not a good singer, but screaming heavy bands like Trivium or Killswitch Engaged really helps for a couple of hours at least.

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@julie3

How are feeling? Any changes in good or bad way?

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