I haven’t written here in a wile mostly because I haven’t wanted to face my depression. For months now Iv been trying to play off that everything is ok in hopes that I’d believe it but more and more I feel myself growing numb. I’m scared of my thoughts an have fallen back in to the habits of an old eating disorder. I feel so hollow and empty inside. My thoughts wander to suicide and self harm and I get so scared because I don’t want to go back there. I had to stop seeing my therapist because I couldn’t afford it anymore even with insurance. I don’t no what to do. My family and friends are tired of when I open up to them about depression so I don’t let it show because I don’t want to push anybody away. I don’t know what to do and lack the ability to pull myself out of this hole that I feel like I’m in.
Hey friend, I get not wanting to face your depression and no one willing to listen. Sometimes you have to depend on yourself, and you have to figure out if those people are really friends. True friends would be willing to listen and be there even if they don’t understand. Find someone like that, you can I know you will. Family can be a strength, but also a burden. People can be there for you, lend you strength and a shoulder, but ultimately it’s up to you. And I know depression isn’t a choice. But know that we believe in you. This will not last forever, you will not let it last forever.
For the depression, maybe find a hobby. Drawing, or learning an instrument. Both those take time and patience and work, and occupying yourself could help. I also found it very rewarding and a chance to be proud of myself after the hard work.
You can find your happiness and fight for it.
Never give up 
Stay Alive - Andy Black
Hello friend, thanks for reaching out.
Isolating yourself can be sometimes good, but also harmful: you tend to lose connection with others, and you end up being alone with your thoughts.
It’s ok not to be ok: it’s ok to have these thoughts, and it’s completely normal to think about past issues like yours. I’ve been there and it’s been a long journey out. Most of the times people don’t understand and don’t really want to listen to our own problems. If you can’t afford a therapist now, try looking out for a friend who can help you (even just by listening), otherwise remember we’re always here for you.
Love you
Hey friend,
First I want to say thank you for posting on the support wall, remember that you are loved, and you are important, and you’re courageous for reaching out! We love you, and we want to walk along side you in life. We are so glad you came back here, and made this your safe place to receive love and support, because we are here for you, and that’s what we want to give.
Sometimes we feel like it easier to hide our feelings, suppress them, and hide behind a smile then to face what we have going on and what we are struggling with, you’re not alone in that, and I do that often unfortunately it often times does more harm then good when you finally can’t hold it all in anymore.
When you become numb I think that’s when it becomes most scary, and I did the same, when I became numb I became more suicidal and fell back into bad habits including self harm, pills etc. It’s hard when your mind goes back to those things, and the release that we believe it gives us, and our desire for that.
It’s really hard not having insurance, and trying to find an affordable therapist, I’m in the same boat right now! Luckily, heart support partnered with better help, and you can get a free one week trial with a trained professional therapist with this link https://www.betterhelp.com/heartsupport If you have any issue with it feel free to send me a pm here, or on discord ( the heart support discord is https://www.discord.gg/heartsupport )
Don’t ever feel like you a burden here for opening up, or that we don’t care because friend we do. We love you, and we are here for you. You opening up to us is not pushing us away at all, it brings us together, we are a huge family and we love you, and we want to walk along side you through all of this, because you are not alone, and you deserve love and support. Don’t give up, we believe in you!
Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey