I don’t know why this is happening. I just feel like more and more I’m disconnecting from everything. More and more, it feels like I’m just watching this all happen. Like I’m just watching myself go through the motions. I grow numb by the day. I feel less and less. Thing that made me happy make me feel nothing now. Just about anything that made me feel anything makes me feel nothing. I feel so empty, so hallow. I feel more and more disconnected from my thoughts, like they’re not my own. Like someone else is thinking this, someone else is getting up everyday and doing everything that I would do. And I’m just watching all this.
Why can’t I feel anything? What’s wrong with me? Why is this happening to me? I don’t understand. A while ago, I could think, “I just want to go numb.” I wanted to die so bad, I would have gladly given up happiness if it meant no more sadness. But now it’s almost like I don’t have either of those. And it feels worse than any sadness. This empty black void of nothingness, filled only by my poor excuse for a soul. This is hardly living. I want to disappear, to not exist. There’s no point in existing and not living. It’s like this isn’t really being numb. Being numb is to not feel things. But this, while similar, is feeling nothing. To be filled with something, even if it was the worst of sadnesses, would be better than not to feel. This is just some terribly written rant at this point. But to sum it up would be to say, I’m not myself anymore.
Hey there,
It sounds like you are just going through the motions and existing. Yet you can remember all the things that made you happy, that gave you energy and joy and to remember those feelings and not be able to feel them is miserable. Know that you are not alone in feeling this. I have felt those exact things, which is I have felt absolutely nothing and felt like just a shell. Not recognizing myself at all and wanting to so badly. Like you, I thought any feeling, even intense sadness would be better than feeling nothing at all. Depression truly drains us of our joy and happiness. It lies to us and makes us feel worthless and even tells us we aren’t worth existing. However, none of those lies are true. You are not a poor excuse for a soul. You are worthy of not only existing but living and thriving.
Know that although you don’t feel like yourself anymore and maybe don’t recognize yourself, you can find yourself again. You can come back to yourself. Just as night can never last forever, neither can such difficult seasons in life. Spring will come and you will come back to yourself. I know it is easier said than done, but I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself and know that you are doing the best you can right now. Even doing one thing to take care of yourself a day can make a difference over time even if it still feels like you’re unable to feel at first. I have every faith you can make it through this. You have a whole community here on your side as well to walk alongside you!
Thank you for your kind words. And I would love to believe this chapter of my life would close, and that things will change, but my situation, as well as my mental state, has only declined over the past few years. No matter how much good I may stumble, the bad outweighs it tenfold. Things haven’t gotten any better at all, ever since I started to feel this way, and I just can’t see a reason to believe things will just change. This forum is the only real resource I have, and I can’t just depend on it. I can’t really talk to friends or have a therapist, so any real improvement can’t happen right now. Even if all this does change, I won’t be the same. I won’t be who I was before. I can never go back to truly being myself.
It’s so hard when therapy isn’t an option and in person support isn’t available through friends or family. I can imagine that being very lonely and hard to carry on your own. So I’m so very glad that at least you can come here and talk with us. I hope you know this is a safe place and we will always listen.
Even if things may never be the same or you yourself may never be the same, I think life is still worth living. Change is so scary especially when it is personal change and even more so when it is due to things out of our control. I think part of this process is allowing yourself to grieve what you need to regarding what has changed, but also trying to look towards the future even if it is seemingly nonexistent right now. Life is not always kind to be sure, but anything could happen. Change can happen for the better and I do truly believe that for you. So even if you may not believe it for yourself yet, you have a lot of people here who can believe for you.
I don’t want to live a miserable life because everyone else is convinced it’ll get better. I can’t even see myself living past 18, I have no plans for my life, because I don’t plan on continuing it much longer. It’s because of these changes within myself and my emotions that make me so miserable, and that won’t change or leave me. I can’t just grieve and have everything be better. I’ll still be suffering, and I don’t want to suffer more than I have to already. Everything is out of my control and will continue to be. I’ll grow more and more distant from myself and others that I could hardly consider it living. Just existing. I have no control over the change happening to me, and I won’t be able to live with it. I’m sorry. Even if everyone in the whole world believes in me, I won’t go on if I don’t believe in me.
I can see you feel very hopeless and that you don’t see a point in being miserable just because other people believe in you. The reason I say even if you don’t believe in yourself right now there’s an entire community here that does, is because our view of ourselves isn’t always the most accurate. We tend to be much harsher on ourselves so it is important to have people around us who can remind us of the truth about ourselves when we aren’t able to see it.
You say you don’t plan on continuing for much longer but I think there’s a part of you that truly does want to fight. You reached out here you know? So with that being said, how can we support you? What would be most helpful to you right now?
I mean, what people like you say on here helps, there’s only so much you can do from the other side of a screen. At this point, it just feels like being on here makes however long I choose to stay alive slightly more bearable. I’m not at the point where I want to do it right now. Just do the last things I want to do over the next few years, and if I haven’t already by that point I’d end it all then. I do still have things I want to do. But once those are done, there would be no reason to keep living. I might change my mind. I could do it sooner or later depending on what happens. But the decision will be mine and mine alone. No one could say anything to me to make me really change my mind.
I’m sorry you feel this way and that you are experiencing such hurt. I want to say that we will always be here for you regardless of how low you feel or how pointless life may seem. I would encourage you to keep reaching out here and talking with us. Sharing your struggles and thoughts here can help you shoulder the weight with some of us. Also know that you never know what wonderful things could happen in the future. Sure, life is uncertain, but ending your life certainly takes away any possibility of anything good ever happening in the future for you because you aren’t here to experience it. So I hope we can continue to be a support for you here and come alongside you. You are so very loved and worthy of life.