I’m so exhausted. I’ve been dealing with anhedonia (the inability to feel emotion, feeling numb, empty, and hollow inside, and no longer feeling pleasure in doing things I used to enjoy) for years. It just seems to be getting worse. It is NOT depression. I don’t feel depressed. (I know what depression is. I dealt with it for years.) I just don’t feel….anything. This stress I’ve been under with moving back to America, having to find a job and eventually my own place to live is only making it way worse. It’s like my brain has zero tolerance for stress.
I recently got to the point where I became ‘okay’ with being this way. I really came to a point where I said, “Okay, God. If you can use my brokenness to help someone else, use this as a ministry opportunity, I’m okay with this. I really am.” I meant that. Even though I knew when I said it that there will be some days where I regret saying that. Whatever His will is, let it be done.
But, man. Recently things just got amped up.
I came to be okay with the mental/emotional aspect of it. But recently, I’ve realized how much this anhedonia is affecting me physically. I feel like I have low energy, a tiredness/exhaustion of sorts most of the time.
Okay. That’s crossing the line. It’s almost like I said “Okay, God. Use me.” Then I realize this is taking more out of me than I originally knew.
I am going to see Silent Planet in a week. I don’t feel excited. At. All. This is my current favorite band that’s gotten me through this very struggle. And I have no motivation to go see them (they are playing two hours away). The very small task of having to go buy/print off tickets from online, printing off directions incase my GPS stops working in route…it overwhelms me. I have no motivation to do it. Usually, I’d be super excited and would be counting down the days til the concert.
I am volunteering at Warped Tour in a little over two weeks. I am so excited to be able to reach out to people, to meet some of the Heart Support staff. But that excitement is very, very blunted. I know this is going to sound contradictory, but at the same time I’m excited, I feel no excitement. I have no motivation to make the three hour drive to the city it’s in. Heck, I even decided to make a weekend of it and visit a friend down there, and possibly stay with another girl I know who I haven’t seen in years. .I should be super excited. And I’m not. I feel. Nothing.
These days doing things like meeting up with friends, going to concerts, going for walks, etc. - things that usually would make me happy or bring me joy - I do them for the sake of doing them. But it’s like I’m going through the motions. I don’t feel much when I do them.
As much as all this sucks, I know God is using it to shape me. To draw me closer to Him. This same thing – anhedonia – that used to make me question if my faith was even genuine , He has turned a 180 and used it to draw me closer to Himself. He is using this. He so is.
But, still. I just want to feel alive again.