I feel like I'll never be okay

I’m so exhausted. I’ve been dealing with anhedonia (the inability to feel emotion, feeling numb, empty, and hollow inside, and no longer feeling pleasure in doing things I used to enjoy) for years. It just seems to be getting worse. It is NOT depression. I don’t feel depressed. (I know what depression is. I dealt with it for years.) I just don’t feel….anything. This stress I’ve been under with moving back to America, having to find a job and eventually my own place to live is only making it way worse. It’s like my brain has zero tolerance for stress.

I recently got to the point where I became ‘okay’ with being this way. I really came to a point where I said, “Okay, God. If you can use my brokenness to help someone else, use this as a ministry opportunity, I’m okay with this. I really am.” I meant that. Even though I knew when I said it that there will be some days where I regret saying that. Whatever His will is, let it be done.

But, man. Recently things just got amped up.

I came to be okay with the mental/emotional aspect of it. But recently, I’ve realized how much this anhedonia is affecting me physically. I feel like I have low energy, a tiredness/exhaustion of sorts most of the time.

Okay. That’s crossing the line. It’s almost like I said “Okay, God. Use me.” Then I realize this is taking more out of me than I originally knew.

I am going to see Silent Planet in a week. I don’t feel excited. At. All. This is my current favorite band that’s gotten me through this very struggle. And I have no motivation to go see them (they are playing two hours away). The very small task of having to go buy/print off tickets from online, printing off directions incase my GPS stops working in route…it overwhelms me. I have no motivation to do it. Usually, I’d be super excited and would be counting down the days til the concert.

I am volunteering at Warped Tour in a little over two weeks. I am so excited to be able to reach out to people, to meet some of the Heart Support staff. But that excitement is very, very blunted. I know this is going to sound contradictory, but at the same time I’m excited, I feel no excitement. I have no motivation to make the three hour drive to the city it’s in. Heck, I even decided to make a weekend of it and visit a friend down there, and possibly stay with another girl I know who I haven’t seen in years. .I should be super excited. And I’m not. I feel. Nothing.

These days doing things like meeting up with friends, going to concerts, going for walks, etc. - things that usually would make me happy or bring me joy - I do them for the sake of doing them. But it’s like I’m going through the motions. I don’t feel much when I do them.

As much as all this sucks, I know God is using it to shape me. To draw me closer to Him. This same thing – anhedonia – that used to make me question if my faith was even genuine , He has turned a 180 and used it to draw me closer to Himself. He is using this. He so is.

But, still. I just want to feel alive again.


Wow. I can’t express how much I relate to this. In so many aspects. I recently volunteered at Warped Tour with HS. Typically, something like Warped Tour in the past would put me over the moon. This time, I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I made it to Warped after the gates were already open. I poured my heart into the people, and I am glad I did. I wanted to make sure that they were okay - but I felt nothing for me. Everything I do, I do for the sake of appearances or because I don’t want to shun the people around me. Tomorrow is the wedding of a close friend - and I haven’t even gotten my outfit for it yet.

I wish I had something more positive to say - but even that is kind of lost on me right now. I do hope that this experience in your life opens bright doors to you. You deserve it.

<3 Tara

What you said is exactly what I needed to hear. It is a great comfort knowing there is someone else going through the same thing. I know I’m not alone.


@NomadicWanderer I’m not in a place to offer the best advice right now but I want you to know that you’re not alone. You’re amazing and you’ll meet some awesome people and make amazing friends on warped. You’re loved. Keep fighting.

Hold Fast.

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Hey @NomadicWanderer,

I’m terribly sorry to hear about your battle with anhedonia. I’m actually not too well-versed with the symptoms stemming from anhedonia, but I love your positive attitude of wanting God to make it into something beautiful. It’s one of my biggest requests to Him as well, to take my pain and struggles and to turn it into something beautiful - even if it’s just used as a testimony to help other people. Keep pressing into Him. He loves you, and so do we at HeartSupport. :slight_smile: