hey im posting for the first time here so I’m sorry if i do something wrong or i stumble over my words, please forgive me. I also have the tendency to ramble a lot so sorry if this is a big wall of text.
cw// suicidal thoughts
I don’t want to get too much into my past but I’ve been in frequently awful situations until 2-3 years ago and honestly I’m not 100% sure if I’m safe right now, I can’t really tell but I’d assume so…
I’ve been in therapy since kindergarten, I’ve had multiple seperate several month long mental hospital stays but every therapist I’ve had so far and even the mental hospital dropped me for “not trying to get better” or not knowing how to help me and I don’t want to blame them for it since it has happened with every single one of my therapists it must surely be something on my part, but I’ve continuously tried my best and felt like I was doing really good this time only to suddenly be told that I’m lazy and not trying at all, it’s always come as such a shock and has seriously been discouraging…I’m stuck in a cycle where I constanly feel bad and fall back on old behaviors but I’m not sure what to do to break out of it…I’m very very sensitive to changes and have panic attacks when there’s something I can’t 100% plan in advance or there’s unexpected changes in plans for me so I tend to fall back on old patterns for comfort, but I’ve seriously tried to change in therapy and wasn’t deliberately trying to be difficult…
As previously stated I’ve been in therapy for quite a long time and tried various therapists and types of therapy all to no avail, I’ve tried a few medication but my body couldn’t handle them (some of them made me throw up others gave me a really bad stomach ache and one of them even made me pass out and made my brain feel weird and my eyes flicker) this isn’t to say I’ve tried all of them but I’m not really sure what to do at all, I have a legual guardian and personal mental health workers (? sorry I really don’t know the appropriate word in english) to help me take care of everyday things, I have so many mental health appointments all the time and yet I still haven’t gotten better, I don’t know how to explain it but I don’t even feel like a person anymore, I can’t do anything on my own, all my friends are starting to get jobs and moving out of their house and I can’t even begin to dream of applying to jobs, I had to drop out of high school because my mental health got too bad and aside from that I’m very bad at communicating with people, I’m generally a very unapproachable person and seem very lazy and disinterested and emotionless so I wouldn’t be very appealing to employers even if I tried… I constanly hear from people how nice and happy I was as a kid and it hurts to hear how much I’ve been broken by the events to my life, I feel like I’m never going to recover. I want to study, I want to at least try get a job, I want to move out but I’m scared I’ll never be able to, I’m scared I’m going to be permanently unable for the rest of my life and have to rely on other people to live, that I’ll never be independent and forever broken to the point of being a shell of a human.
I have another mental hospital stay planned in the near future this time at a more suited hospital for my issues which was recommended to me, but I’m scared it’s going to turn out the same again, that I’m once again going to give it what i feel like is my all just to be suddenly kicked out for being lazy and uncooperative again and I’ll forever be useless and dependent and never be able to break out of this cycle. I don’t want to have to kill myself but the life I’m leading right now isn’t a life, it’s not happiness or what I want, I need to try harder and do more but I don’t know how, it all feels so scary and awful and I’m not prepared for the future at all. I shouldn’t be catastrophizing so early in advance, I can’t know how the future is going to turn out but I’m very scared, I feel like this is my last chance at improving myself and I don’t know what I’m going to do if I just get stuck in this cycle again, I feel really hopeless.
Again sorry for writing so much, I can’t help but ramble, I hope it’s easily readable, thank you.
Hi, it sounds like your therapists don’t beleive in you. If that’s true, I don’t think they’re very good therapists for you, and they lack a ton of patience. You need someone who can understand you and be patient with you. Someone who will wait for you to crawl out of the dark and touch the light on your own terms, not drag you out of it. I’m sorry that people don’t beleive in you, and I’m sorry you have trouble getting better. Some people just need a soft hug to remind them they are worth it and I wish I could give you one, but I only have virtual options so, hugs softly you’ll make it friend ^~^
People who don’t understand mental illnesses mistake it for rehab centers. They expect us to get better by day 5 and never go back to that state of mind ever again. But in reality mental illnesses can last for a life time, and can appear out of nowhere.
Can you tell me how many therapists and hospitals you’ve been to that ended up like that for you? And do you think a therapist is what you truly need to get better? As well as hospitals? Since you’ve been doing this your whole life, I’m assuming it never changes right? Do you think you’re doing the same thing over and over to no avail wishing for something different? A different way of going about this? If so, what would that difference be?
It sucks that meds don’t work for you, when’s the last time you’ve tried them? If it was a long time you can always give it another shot.
Work can be sucky but if you find something you enjoy or something simple with nice people it won’t be as scary and frustrating. Just gotta look around for a nice and understanding person that will hire you. Also you can always make ur own money if you have hobbies? Do you have any hobbies that you could make money from?
I beleive you can get better, and I beleive you’ll be able to stand on your own 2 feet one day, I beleive you’re trying your hardest and I know you can figure this out. You’re just starting out life, so don’t give up just yet!
I hope you’ll find a good therapist soon, and that they’re perfect for you.
-X
Thank you so much for your kind words! I haven’t actually thought about trying to do anything besides therapy, but it reminds me of my last therapist who was very kind about telling me she couldn’t help me because she felt she wasn’t equipped to help with my specific issues recommended me to stop trying with therapy for a bit since I might be experiencing some sort of fatigue with it and it wasn’t getting me anywhere since I needed more intensive care, but my mental health has suffered a bit from the lack of therapy. I would like to take a break sometime though, I think I just have to build up more secure support networks and coping mechanisms for myself first. also, If I haven’t counted wrong it’s been about 5 therapists and 2 mental hospital stays as well as temporary mental health help centers inbetween. Also I’m not really sure what I would change, the thought of change is very scary to me and I can’t imagine myself being happier doing anything else, while not being happy doing this either. I’m unsure how to describe it it’s very complicated…I feel like something needs to change but I don’t know where I’d even start or what exactly needs to change in order for me to be happier, I just know right now I’m not happy with what I’m doing so it needs to change. It’s so confusing
I’m not opposed to taking new meds, the last time I tried new ones was a while back, probably in like 2018 or earlier, I’ve just developed a sort of fear of taking new meds from my previous experiences so I’m scared I might trick my brain into thinking I’m experiencing side effects when I’m really not.
also yes I’m actually very passionate about drawing and hope to work in the art industry someday, but right now my art is still very mediocre and I feel like the market is very saturated so my chances of getting a job there are probably next to nothing, plus I personally feel like art jobs if self employed are notoriously unstable, I’d like to work under some sort of company so I have a stable income, but pretty much every job includes socializing which is probably the scariest part for me because I feel like I don’t have a good or appealing personality…
Take it one day at a time. The famous painters that we learn about in school, did not do their masterpieces in one day, one week, one month, and in most cases…one year. Find that one thing that you can do today, and it does not have to be something huge. It can be as simple or as easy as getting up in the morning, wearing something you feel good and confident in, and get ready to face the day.
Everyone has their own journey when it comes to mental health, you will find the right therapist. Personally, I have switched up my therapists more times than I can count. I have found good ones, and I was beyond thankful for finding them, even though it took some time. Be patient with your journey. Be patient with yourself. This is just a small season of life that will develop you into a stronger person with each passing day. You can do this. You got this. You are strong. You are brave. You are worthy.
From: theladywho (Discord)
Hi Undercover I can’t imagine all the experiences you have gone through. To be honest it sounds so overwhelming. I know for me I have trouble with changes too and I can really get into a overload mode pretty quickly. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned that I have to be vocal with my needs. I sometimes have to tell those around me I need to get away to a quiet place or that I’m not feeling up to doing things. Sometimes that doesn’t feel very good to have to assert, but I’ve gotten more confident in myself and my needs. So it is easier than it was initially. Reading your reply to Systemofconfusion it seems like you have so much to live for, and you are willing to try things to make your life better. Maybe your previous therapist is right and it is time to take a break from the therapy cycles for awhile. I think you are very strong to have gone through all you have.
hey @undercover ,
i want to start out by saying that you are far from alone. while you have this HS community surrounding you with support, you also are not alone in these overwhelming emotions of change, hopelessness, and exhaustion. you are incredibly strong and i admire how you question whether something in your life can be changed for the better. and it absolutely can.
in times of great fear, especially for the unknown and the future ahead, it’s important to take time to breathe and think through smaller steps to achieve a goal you want to reach. instead of setting too many goals at once that will overwhelm you, start by saying “this week, i’ll work on looking at job listing sites” or “today i’m going to drink more water.” even the smallest bricks will build a foundation that is healthier for you in the long-run without making you feel like change and feeling better is out of your hands.
i believe in you fully to make your dreams a reality, even as you take smaller steps to get to your destination. i love you, i value you, and i appreciate you for sharing your story. i’m here if you need anything as you continue on in your journey!
love,
twix
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