Where do I even begin? I feel so lost and plain out tired. I have so many people that care for me and my well being yet I still feel so alone. I feel like I always kill the vibe and just disappoint those around me. I rarely go to school due to my anxiety but when I do go I forget why I was so sad in the first place until I get home. Heck, home doesn’t feel like home anymore. Everyone is too tired or they don’t care. I’ve opened up to so many people only to be hurt by those I’ve explained my hurt too. I feel like I’m too much and it would take too much time to understand me so everyone would just leave again. Lately, I haven’t gone to school and this is my third day of being absent but I wanted to at least try to come during the 4th period since I’ve been out sick and my anxiety has gotten worse but my depression has improved? I no longer try to do self-harm but overdosing has always been something I’ve been close to doing. I’ve gone to therapy before but since I didn’t want my mom to spend any more money on me I just told her to forget it. She’s said things to me that stung a lot, even if it was months ago. I don’t ask of her to care more but just enough for me to know she still cares and I could open up. I have so much more to let out but even in real life, it seems like I can never do that because when people try to help me they say something that was just worded wrong and my mind spirals with thoughts. So now, I’m resulting in this in the hope that I could at least get better. I try my best but I never feel enough, I give all my sunshine to others but I can’t even give some to me. I feel selfish for putting my needs before others. They say I’ve gone through a lot and all the trauma and that I’m strong for holding up and for being one of the most understanding people they know but it doesn’t seem like it. Nothing feels right anymore and I just feel so lost. I want to be an artist or therapist as I grow older but even so, I never thought of living up to that point. I can never set my mind straight during class because I’m busy sulking or getting anxious. I’m trying to help myself now slowly by encouraging myself despite how I view everything but It’s just. I’m sorry. A nuisance is all I am.
hi honey i am so sorry that you are feeling this way and trust me i know the feeling of sucking the fun out of things or the happiness in a room all of that. and the anxiety and depression you’re faced with at school i totally get that too but i think that you are such a strong and beautiful person, there was this one quote and it said that the girl had a basket of flowers and she gave one away because she saw the man frown hopefully brightening his day but with one less flower she kept walking giving more and more until she had none left not knowing what to do. - moral of the story i think that you would definitely benefit in keeping some flowers or in your case your sunshine, it can be exhausting trying to make sure everyone else is okay before you do for yourself so just know that you are loved and no where near a nuisance that you have people who love and support you we are always here 
i hope this might help a little i am proud of you
thank you so much! i’m still out sick and i’ll be back monday for a fresh start but i’ve been using the time to take care and save some sunshine for myself while trying not to overwork. thank you for sharing that sublime quote. i haven’t heard anyone say they’re proud so this means a lot. <33 ;’]]
Hi @rainee,
You sound to be a very caring and loving person for others. But what about you? Friend, you deserve to be helped. And it sounds that you’re so worried to be a burden for others that you don’t allow yourself to receive some help anymore. Your sunshine is wonderful, but you also need some bright lights for yourself.
I’m sorry you feel so many negative things about yourself. There’s a huge gap between how others see you and the way you describe yourself. It can makes you feel misunderstood and really isolated. I know how it feels, when you are really vulnerable inside while others see you as the strong one. It feels like you’re wearing a mask and no one really see you. So… I’m glad you’re here. Glad you reached out. And I really want you to know that you’re not alone, okay? You’re not a nuisance at all. Dealing with traumas is a long process that takes a lot of time and energy. But you’ll make it through. And you can come here anytime you need.
I hope this weekend will go as smooth as possible to you. Take it easy, friend, with small steps.
You are loved. 
:(( <33 weekend went by quick but it was enjoyable and i finally got to meet up with friends after being gone and felt a bit better, tomorrow will be a hassle for me but ill always keep this in mind! :)) <3 its still been tough trying to put myself first but lately ive been slowly realizing those who really care for me just as much wont mind, thank you so much for your support!! ill have the image you sent as my wallpaper. :’)) <333