I feel like i'm about to break down

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i’m such an emotional wreck today. well, not just today, but especially today.

i hit 18 months clean 6 hours ago but i genuinely don’t know if i can make it through tonight without resetting. if talking about it won’t make me feel better, then i honestly might.

my mom made it evident again that she doesn’t actually care about me. as soon as it’s about me and not her, she suddenly has all these excuses as to why she’s unable to do x and y and i’m so tired of it. she made a doctors appointment for me today about something i didn’t even ask her to do, and that i’m not even bothered about that much but she’s apparently very bothered by, yet, for 2-3 years straight, she couldn’t get off her ass to get me to a doctor despite knowing how much pain i was in every day. the pain has mostly subsided now, but it doesn’t make me feel any better in the slightest. it was so easily “fixable” and yet i had to endure severe pain for so long.

and, i don’t know how many of you can even relate to this but today i want to do nothing more but rip my hair out over the fact i wasn’t born male. i’m genderfluid, and don’t really consider myself to be trans, i lean more toward gender neutrality but also transmasculinity on some days. today is one of those days and it makes me want to cry. it’s so hard to put into words but it just makes me sick with nausea. i guess it’s time to dig out my binder again for that tiny bit of gender euphoria.

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Hey Friend,

I noticed you recently posted about relapsing and wanted to tell you that your strength to endure is incredible. I believe that you can keep going and keep yourself clean. I know a lot of things are going on right now that can act as the trigger for you to relapse, but consider this. The pain to keep clean despite the circumstances will be much, much less than the pain you may feel if you relapse. I think you should also take a second and congratulate yourself for what you have accomplished so far. It’s important to take some time and hype yourself up for doing such an incredible job. I believe in you.

As for the items with regard to gender, I’m not at all the person that can speak to this. I do know that there are individuals in this community that can. Though, have you reached out to the trans/genderfluid community to speak to them about this? I know that this is actually a fairly common form of anxiety that’s felt by these individuals and I’m sure you could learn a lot by reaching out to someone who you may know and trust.

Keep your head up, friend! You’re doing an extraordinary job with everything so far. It can get hard, but I believe you can stay the course.

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