i’m such an emotional wreck today. well, not just today, but especially today.
i hit 18 months clean 6 hours ago but i genuinely don’t know if i can make it through tonight without resetting. if talking about it won’t make me feel better, then i honestly might.
my mom made it evident again that she doesn’t actually care about me. as soon as it’s about me and not her, she suddenly has all these excuses as to why she’s unable to do x and y and i’m so tired of it. she made a doctors appointment for me today about something i didn’t even ask her to do, and that i’m not even bothered about that much but she’s apparently very bothered by, yet, for 2-3 years straight, she couldn’t get off her ass to get me to a doctor despite knowing how much pain i was in every day. the pain has mostly subsided now, but it doesn’t make me feel any better in the slightest. it was so easily “fixable” and yet i had to endure severe pain for so long.
and, i don’t know how many of you can even relate to this but today i want to do nothing more but rip my hair out over the fact i wasn’t born male. i’m genderfluid, and don’t really consider myself to be trans, i lean more toward gender neutrality but also transmasculinity on some days. today is one of those days and it makes me want to cry. it’s so hard to put into words but it just makes me sick with nausea. i guess it’s time to dig out my binder again for that tiny bit of gender euphoria.