I feel like im depersonalizing or something & feel scared

Okok so making this post its 2:30 am. Im really not feeling it atm. So over the summer my sensei passed away ( said something abt that in one of my posts ) it was fairly traumatic for me. And since thattt happened I gained a huge fear of death ( literally I feel as though any moment could be my last. Not cool really scary) its gotten better but still is there. And I also started feeling very off like I was depersonalizing/ disassociating?? I have put some research into it. I do not feel the whole sense of looking at things as if im outside of my body? Or like im outside of my body? But i feel detached from the world. I felt it after he died for a good while and it comes back sometimes. Not every single day but it kinda started yesterday and is bad today. Like i feel so detached, I really dont feel my feelings. Im seeing a friend tomorrow i have not seen in a year and I dont even care ( of course under my messed up emotions I know I care im not a terrible person lol) but also like if I touch my hand on my face or my hand on my arm or anything I feel overwhelmed and like im not real. Like I just- dont feel like anything is real? And I want to break down and have an anxiety attack and feel like crying. It feels like something is DEEPLY wrong with me. Ik this entire post sounds absolutely insane. But im scared. What if its not whats wrong with me and its something else ? I literally got bloodwork done like a month ago and a chest x ray and an ekg ( thanks to my dear friend anxiety ) and everything came back clean. Im in good health that im aware of so really I shouldnt worry about that. Logically I shouldnt. Im just very scared and overwhelmed right now & since it now is 2:39 am ofc I dont have anyone to talk to and night time is terrible. 0/10 really hate night time. Also my parents dont take my mental health seriously. Im 17 so in roughly 9 months when I turn 18 technically I could seek out mental health help like therapy for myself. I really would like to because I feel insane and since summer my issues have only worsened. But its not an option. My parents are aware of my issues and still : no. But yeah thats my rant I guess. Does anyone have any thoughts about this ? Like has anyone dealt with this ‘ depersonalizing/ disassociating’ stuff? I have not talked to a doctor about that, only anxiety so no I am not diagnosed or diagnosing myself but from my understanding of it I feel I have the symptoms. Ugh ;-;

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I want to hug you right now.
I have lots of thoughts about this, and to me what is happening to you actually makes sense… because of that traumatic thing that happened to you.
i don’t really know what to say to you because I am scared that what I’m going to say is going to hurt you.

I really care about you and I need to not hurt you.

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Hey @cs15!

So I have experienced depersonalization and derealization before. And it sounds like that may have been something that’s been happening to you. It’s typically the result of traumatic experiences, which you stated has already happened. So I promise, your post does not sound insane. It also sounds like you’re dealing with a great amount of anxiety. (For purposes, I am not a licensed mental health professional, so my statement is made from personal experiences.) What you’re feeling is valid and real, absolutely. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise or try to make little of it. And I’m glad you reached out here. That takes strength and openness.

You stated that in 9 months, you’ll be turning 18. I think it would be beneficial for you to seek out mental health help since it sounds like you don’t have the familial support system right now. Are you still in school? If so (and you haven’t already), see if you’re school counselor is available to talk in the mean time, until you come of age.

Also, keep reaching out here. Feel free to DM me anytime. We’re always here for you.
<3 Tara

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Thank you for your response. Im glad to find someone who has struggled with depersonalization and I dont sound crazy! Its not something huge I deal with ( back in the summer was way worse and I definitely do have my days such as the other day when I made this post it was really bad ) but yeah, have not been diagnosed with that. Cant really go to the doctor to get a diagnosis so research is the best I can do but it really does sound like thats what im experiencing. I do have GAD and ( not sure but I think I may have an undiagnosed panic disorder as well) i have been to the er twice for anxiety within 2 ish years and had many doctors appointments but I do have kind of an emotionally abusive mom so thats why I am not allowed to do therapy // seek out mental health help at the moment. Due to the pandemic I do not leave my home, I do school online so I cant talk to a school counselor

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I’m glad it’s not taking over your life, but I know it can definitely be a ball of anxiety to deal with. And I’m sorry you’re having to experience that with your mom. To not be able to access therapeutic help hurts my heart for you, because I know it would be beneficial in your situation. For the mean time, keep talking to us here. We’ll definitely do what we can for you, and will support you through this. <3

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Thank you for being so supportive🖤 on the bright side I am in the mindset where I do want that help and do want to get better. I know with time things will be less crazy. In the meantime I try my best to wait things out.

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I send you love, and virtual hugs and an imaginary giant huggable stuffed caterpillar that is stuffed with love.

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I love that with the stuffed caterpillar. I am a sucker for stuffed animals XD thank you for the love friend !! <3

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