I feel like I'm drowning in my relationship and life (intercourse mentioned briefly)

I’m 19. I have a boyfriend(23) and we’ve been together for just over a year and a half. I moved in with him September of 2023, only 10 months into dating when I wanted to wait at least a year. He didn’t make me move in, however he did have to do some convincing for me to agree. After I moved in, it took me months to find a job even with applying everywhere and going to career coaches and unemployment centers, so I agreed to take up the responsibility of housework like cooking, cleaning, laundry, in the meantime until I found a job. Long story short, I’ve had a job for a few months now and nothing has changed regarding the division of chores. Which is no division. We have 2 cats that I brought with me into this relationship and I take sole care of them aside from my boyfriend buying the food and litter for them when he offers.

We’ve had issues and talked before about what we need to adjust in our relationship personally as we were having increasingly more arguments. I tend to get vocally angry very easily, even when not intending to, so I’ve been trying to take a step back whenever I feel myself getting angry or like my words may be harsher then I mean, which has given me a good change to correct my tone and behavior so we have have civil and rational discussions. I try to explain why I’m hurt by something he has said or done, even giving examples and repeating time and time again the same things of talking to me when he has an issue, or when he needs me to do something for him, but it feels like he listens for the conversation, then it’s out of his head the next moment.

Recently, my grandfather died. Just over a week ago. My bf didn’t give me much comfort or support. I got a long hug which I appreciated, I cried for a bit, before he removed himself to go play video games. He hasn’t mentioned it since then, even acting like nothing had happened in the first place.

I have persistent depression and generalized anxiety disorder, as well as ptsd and disassociation. I also am highly likely to be autistic, but have not been diagnosed. Recently, I confided in him that I was feeling extremely overwhelmed and like I was getting to a breaking point, having multiple busy weekends in a row, being the only one cleaning the house and taking care of the laundry or cats, and he has been getting more frustrated with me. He gets frustrated when the dishes aren’t done because the sink is full and he hates looking at it. He gets upset if his laundry isn’t done(when he never told me it needed to be done in the first place, which I’ve constantly told him to do), he says we don’t have much sex if any as of late, because he makes it all about him. He askes me to help him whenever he’s horny, doesn’t try setting a mod or enticing me, or doing anything really to get ME in the mood, but he seems to just expect me to be ready to go whenever he wants. He doesn’t force it, he almost did once at the beginning of the relationship but I started crying and he stopped pushing for it; he makes it feel more like a duty or chore then something intimate between us, yet he sees no issue with this and does nothing to change things when I ask.

It took him weeks to talk to me and say he felt I was getting distant from him, after I had already had many conversations about his behavior and how things needed to change. We talked and it again felt like talking to a wall, like he was hearing it but nothing was getting through to him. I told him I felt I was the only one trying to make changes to themselves to be a better partner, that I felt I was the only one putting in effort. He seemed to understand as I pointed out examples, how I didn’t storm off when he made me upset anymore, I try my best to not raise my voice anymore, I try to think about my wording a little more before I say it, and how I had asked him for small changes and he had yet to make those. Even today, I got sick and called into work since I have health issues I’m trying to get figured out, and he makes a comment how I may not have a job much longer. I’ve called out a few days last week because my grandfather died. Then I got sick. I still went to work between the days I took off, and when I tried talking to him about it and how hurt and unnecessary the comment was, he turned it on me and started talking down on me, using my depression against me saying, “How bad will your depression be if you don’t have a job?”.

I have not gotten a single write up, I do good work when I am at my job, and I have little to no issues with my coworkers and doing the tasks I need to. He knows this. He knows I’m a good worker. So I just don’t understand why he talks down on me like this.

I told him his passive aggressive comments need to stop, because I loved him and hearing someone say those things, who I value the opinion of, hurts a lot more then someone else saying it. I’ve talked to him about his comments before and he just says I “can’t take a joke” When he says something jokingly that upsets me.

The comments he makes are not jokes to me. I’ve told him that. I’ve told him that over and over again, and he just doesn’t acknowledge it as I’m trying to explain why this isn’t healthy for us as a couple and we need to work with each other and ourselves both together and individually.

I am by no means perfect, far from it actually, but I do know that this is not healthy and something needs to change. I just don’t know if this is overreacting, a trauma reaction on my end, or if I’m doing things right and it’s just not working. I’m just so confused and overwhelmed with it all.

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Hi Delphine!
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and welcome to HeartSupport!
First, you are not overreacting, your feelings are completely valid and you should not shut your feelings down. Your feelings of not feeling appreciated and frustrated are valid, you have all the right to feel frustrated because you are dealing with a lot and not getting much support, please take your feelings seriously.
No one is perfect but that is why communication is so important in a relationship to make each other better. You deserve so much love and I am sure you give your boyfriend so much love and you deserve that same love back!
I am extremely sorry for your loss, take your time grieving, and don’t pressure yourself to bounce back quickly just because someone else is telling you to. TAKE YOUR TIME
Please take care of yourself first in these hard times and please write us at any time, YOU ARE NOT ALONE and you are valid
Sending lots of love

  • Domenica
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Hi Delphine,

welcome to the forum, thank you so much for coming here to talk about what’s on your mind. i want to start off by saying that im incredibly sorry for your loss. i can only imagine the turmoil that you are i. with experiencing this loss and then becoming sick afterwards with all of additional concerns with your relationship. it seems like an incredibly big weight to carry, but i commend you for putting in effort to continue your everyday tasks like going to work despite it all. however, you do not deeerve the difficult hand you have been given. you deserve the love that you have given to others. you deserve to have your feelings validated and not overlooked. i hope you get the love and support that you deserve through the people you love. as unconditional as life is, i know the rocky parts are certainly rocky. but you are brave and strong and i believe in you. i send you love and support. please don’t forget to take care of yourself as much as you take care of your loved ones.

-daniela <3

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Hi Delphine! Thank you for sharing!

I’m so sorry that you have to go through all of this, especially at such a young age. You are such a strong person to be going to work while dealing with health problems as well as grieving your grandfather. Please be gentle with yourself during this time.

You are not overreacting at all. It sounds like you’re really trying to communicate effectively with your boyfriend, and he’s not being very respectful to you. It seems like he doesn’t view you as an equal in the relationship.

It might be a good idea to evaluate your relationship in this way - “do we have more good days than bad days?” Does he make you happy more than he makes you upset? All couples go through rough patches, but you should generally feel happy and supported by your partner.

You deserve to be appreciated, loved, and supported. I hope that you can find what you deserve, either with your current boyfriend or by yourself.

Sending you all the love!

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hi delphine,
first of all, welcome to the forum, my friend. i am so thankful you’re here and can open up about what’s on your heart. that is such a hard, admirable thing to do when you feel the anger boiling and separating yourself from the situation. your communication skills sound so strong which no doubt took a lot of practice and experience.

i am so sorry for your loss. losing a family member is tough mentally and physically and it breaks my heart that you did not receive the support and comfort you need. please also allow yourself the grace and patience as you continue to grieve. i hope your boyfriend can understand quickly how much his love and care is needed right now through this grief. this paired with the neglect in your sex life and playing you down for your hard work at your job is not easy on your heart. major props to you for standing up for yourself and telling him to quit the passive aggressive comments. it’s understandable how you feel confused and overwhelmed by it all since this is someone you are so close to, and to be hurt like this on various occasions isn’t easy!

your vulnerable communication with your boyfriend is the best thing you can do and you are actively doing that which is amazing. if something doesn’t feel right or you aren’t receiving the love and care you put into a relationship, always follow your heart. i hope you can do something kind for yourself soon, delphine. you deserve it.

love,
twix

hey delphine! welcome to the forum

thanks for sharing all of this. it sounds like you’re dealing a lot, and i’m sorry things have been so tough. you’re clearly putting in a lot of effort to make things work, both in your relationship and personally, which is extremely commendable. moving in together is a big change, and it sounds like your initial arrangement of taking on all the housework has stuck around longer that it should have. it’s important to having a partner that understands that things need to be more balanced. you deserve the same love and energy you put out. i am so sorry for your loss I can’t imagine how difficult it is to experience a loss and then get sick right after. it is perfectly fine to take time away from work in order to grieve your mental health matters most. it’s honestly amazing that you have been working on managing your reactions and trying to communicate more effectively. you’re not overreacting, wanted to feel respected, supported and heard in a relationship is completely reasonable. your well-being matters most.

sending love, celina

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