i dont really know how to start this but i just feel so done with life, basketball season is almost over and once that is over i dont know what i want to do with anything. i just feel so useless outside of that and that the best option for me is to disappear from everything. i just feel so empty and that im such a dissapointment. i have a low GPA and i was a gifted kid, i had my first burn out at around 9 when i was talking about killing myself and now i feel like it doesnt get better. i have this distraction at school where i can be happy as apart of the popular kids group but i get home and i just wanna kill myself i just wanna overdose on whatever i can find laying around and hope and pray to god i wont wake up in the morning just to wake up and deal with everything. im so tired of constantly pushing down my emotions from everything to the point where im unavaliable and numb to everything around me until i get to a point where i cant anymore and i break. what if the next time i break i lose my friendships what if the next time i lose it all everyone hates me. and i feel like such a narcasisstic asshole all of the time because i always feel like im thinking about myself and i dont want to i need to put others first but i just cant take it anymore its all too much to handle and i feel like im going to end up in my bed far gone and all of my friends at my funeral wondering what went wrong because they dont see this side of me because i never open up due to being scared someones gonna tell someone whos gonna tell someone because thats what life is like and i dont wanna go to the hospital again. i guess i just really am a burden to all of my friends and i should leave everyone and that im really annoying and loud and i cant control myself. but im told the opposite but this one time i was told i am annoying by my friends so. idk, maybe its all a shout to the void. but im just burnt out.
i do have a therapist i havent seen in a while due to covid/scheduling around school being hard
and the hospital thing is because i dont want to look like a attention seeker because then ill get dragged for that
i honestly dont think about myself alot i always make sure to put others first because i was never put first anywhere and really still am not so i just try to make someone feel wanted and it feels naive but i just want to make sure everyone is okay before i am because i have a very almost motherlike care to others. im also transgender so i know what its like to feel so alone because you just want to be yourself and i know how it sucks so i never want anyone im close too to feel alone but if they leave me for someone else i just know that my part is done and that they are able to not feel alone anymore.
i understand wanting the burden its that i dont want to seem annoying because then everyone hates me trust me ive seen what happens to someone that gets annoying and they get trashed
If you are helping others while neglecting yourself, and those individuals you have helped find out about it, they’ll probably feel bad. It’s hard to save a drowning person when you are just barely able to keep your own head above water.
I think it’s okay to put others first when you feel that you’re okay, and have the inner resources to do it, but if you overextend yourself emotionally, you are at risk of feeling depleted and hopeless. If you genuinely need help, being an attention seeker is not an issue.
Very immature people might trash someone who is in need of help, but by doing that, they remove themselves from an inventory of “fake friends.”
I don’t feel as though I “make” friends. Instead, I recognize them, based on their integrity and decency. In this forum, you will meet many who I have recognized as friends.
I know a few people who are video chatting with therapists and doctors. Maybe your therapist can connect you with such a service.
These websites may also offer something:
Maybe your therapist can connect you with such a service.