.i feel like im going to go back to outpatient

background info, skip to next bolded line if not interested

tw - sh, alcohol abuse

i was admitted to a PHP (partial hospitalization program) in january of 2024. i stayed there for about 6 weeks or so before i was discharged and let back into school.

i was admitted due to my frequent and worsening habits of self harm. i didn’t do it because i needed to feel pain, or i because i deserved it, or because i wanted to commit or anything like that. i just quite honestly “liked” it, for lack of a better term. it was like drinking or doing drugs, i guess.

my intentions started out from trying to cope with stress in my life, which i’m too lazy to get into, but i didn’t feel what i wanted to feel with it. i picked it up again maybe a few months or so later, but then was afraid of being caught, so i took a “gap year”, essentially. then, i picked it up again, for god knows why this time, and it kept on getting worse and worse.

i kept on cvtting more and more often, and the deeper i went, the more dangerous it became. i was close to having stitches a few times, but didn’t, onnly because i waited a few days after to tell my parents i had relapsed.

one night, my parents were concerned about it, so they talked with me. they said that they thought i needed more intensive care, but i was afraid. i didn’t want to go inpatient or residential, so i told them that.

one pediatrician meeting later blah blah i get reccomended a place and start going there. it was honestly great, most of the kids were great, the staff was amazing, and i loved the structure.

checkpoint heres my actual vent lawl

after i was discharged like 3 months later or something, i was sober for a long time. sure, i still relapsed, but i think my longest sobriety period was around 2 months. i didn’t like it. i had urges, but they were just out of boredom.

soon, i found myself stealing back blades, relapsing again (but less often and less deep-- i had to “rebuild” my pain tolerance), and looking for blades online. i got a new therapist, though, and told him every time i had relapsed.

he (subconciously or not) suggested that going back to the PHP program was a possibility, since i had also picked up drinking. oops.

i don’t really want to go back, the staff is shit now (all the good councilors left due to boycotting the company or something), the administrators are shit, and i’m really not looking forward to redoing all that hard work right before school starts again, which is in one month for me.

i’m also on the dive team, and i love the/my dive team. to miss this year would leave me devastated, but if i keep acting this way, i guess it could be a possibility that i would.

i just can’t help it. between the sporadic drinking and relapsing, i don’t know where i’m headed.