I feel like im in this state as well but its so mu

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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Hope by NF
I feel like I’m in this state as well but it’s so much deeper there are so many emotions in me that, I feel like there are none. For example, I’m unable to cry It is the feeling in your neck you feel like bursting out but there is nothing not a single tear it’s like a trap locked and you have the key right above you, you just cant raise your hand and pick up that key. the constant suicidal thoughts in my head are crazy but then I realize it could hurt people seeing me go but then I just can’t figure out who those people could be the feeling that no one likes me is just really strong and I ca even find things for what people could like me you know. I was thinking about going to therapy but I’m just scared of what’s on the other side I have been this depressed for 3 years now and I’m so used to it im scared of feeling anything else. HeartSupport

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Hello. I relate to what you are saying and I think that you are not alone in feeling this numbness to your own emotions that can eventually develop when experiencing what you are, over long periods of time. I am a suicide survivor, and still even after long periods of time actively in mental health recovery I have intrusive habitual thoughts of these kinds sometimes. They are less frequent, and when they do occur I now have a much better understanding of what they are, and how I can try to deal with them for myself personally. A part of my self growth and ability to understand myself/what works for me in these situations came from Therapy. Although it is important to keep in mind that there are many therapists out there, and you might not always find the best fit for you right away. There is also a chance that you will find the right fit off the bat. Regardless I think there are things to be gained from any interactions in an environment with a quality Mental Health Professional.

I think one of the things that is important for tying to understand people around you, and what they feel. Is just by asking them. I think everyone has people in the world who they can get a long with and be liked by, but as we are all different, it is finding the right people for us that sometimes may be challenging. I also think sometimes it is important to just do what you are already doing, in sharing with us here. Opening up, and finding a safe place to share is definitely the first step in trying to move in the right direction. You should be proud for being able to do so, as it is very hard to share these kinds of emotions with anyone. Please don’t forget that it might not seem relevant now, but the main person who you should be living for, is yourself. Development of self-love and the understanding that you should be your own most important person is a very hard part of the process sometimes though. I did not have a shred of this until after I was 30 years old, but I think the sooner a person can find ways to develop these feelings and understandings of themselves the better. So I am hopeful that others can find ways to live for themselves sooner then I did. Please feel free to share more if you ever want/need.

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Hi Friend,

Thank you for opening up about what you are feeling. I can relate to the contradictory feeling of emotions that you described. I too have felt everything and nothing all at the same time during my struggle with depression. Everything was hurting but yet, I somehow also felt completely empty. You are not alone in how you feel. There are others who have felt like you do in the past, or currently in this moment as well. Though I do not know you, or your life, I do believe with confidence that there are people in your life who would be hurt if something were to happen to you - people who love you and care for you and your wellbeing. I think, from my own experience, when we don’t like/love ourselves it becomes really hard to see and understand how others could like/love us. And that can really fuel those negative thoughts in our minds. But I assure you, those thoughts are not true, and I hope there will come a time and a day where you are able to believe that for yourself as well.

I think that it is good that you are able to recognize that you may need some help and that you are thinking about going to therapy. And it is okay to be afraid of what could happen, or what life would be like/look like if you were to get better. These would be concerns that you would be able to express with a therapist (if you should decide to give it a try), and a good therapist would be able to support you through it. I’m wishing you the best in your journey and that when you are ready you can make a decision for what you think is best for yourself and your wellbeing. :white_heart:

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