Sometimes I feel like I’ve just exaggerated all the trauma I’ve been through. Today, my boyfriend told me why gunshots are a trigger for him. I don’t want to specify because it’s not my place to share that with anyone, but let’s just say, it was really bad, and his life was in danger. Honestly even just hearing that that had happened to him, I started crying. That really must have been so scary to go through, but I’m over here, and I don’t even remember any of my trauma.
I know that I’m not really supposed to, and that’s why I have DID, but it just makes me feel like I’m just exaggerating everything. Sometimes, I can’t tell which of my memories are real and which are just dreams. I remember being left on the side of the road at night when I was very young, but I can’t tell if that actually happened, or if I just thought it happened. I can remember my dad putting his hands around my neck in a “joking way” which scared me, but I don’t know if he actually did that or if I just THOUGHT he did it.
And If I don’t know what’s real and what’s not, how am I supposed to know if I’m just exaggerating everything that happened? What if it really wasn’t as bad as I think it is? No one else was there it was just… my mother’s boyfriend who I don’t think any of us have contact with anymore and my biological mother who I barely have any contact with. No one… knows what was going on in there so how can I tell if it was really bad or if it was just normal? I know that train of thought is entirely irrational, because I’ve had several people tell me how bad it was, but I just don’t know if it was as bad as I think it is.
I don’t want to act like it was worse than it was. But I don’t even know how bad it was. I don’t even know what was real or not. I don’t know what happened at all. That’s one of the scariest parts is that I don’t KNOW. It’s being scared of people coming into your room at night but having no idea why that’s so scary. It’s being paranoid of every single sound in your house and constantly on edge but having no reason to be scared like that. I feel like not knowing is worse than knowing. I’d rather have all the memories of what happened instead of being left with random triggers that I don’t know why I have.
And another thing is that it only bothers me now. For most of my life, my trauma had been entirely irrelevant to me. I knew that it happened, but it never bothered me at all. But now I just keep thinking about it and I just keep having these moments where I feel like I’m back there. It’s so scary because it’s not a flashback. I’m not having a memory replay, It’s just sensations. Just feeling like I’m back there again. Like I need to be scared again. Like I need to hide and run away again or prepare to get hurt in some way. I don’t even know how to deal with this because no one ever taught me how to deal with trauma. Everyone treated it like it was irrelevant but now that it’s bothering me again I don’t know what to do.
It doesn’t help that my parents act like any time I say it’s bothering me they act like I’m blaming them. My parents aren’t exactly exempt from adding to the trauma. I used to and still do have to come home every day and put on the most chipper voice I can and ask my dad “hi! How are you!” and judge his emotional state based on his tone. They recently started being nice to me which… made me confused. I was so used to being scared of them, that when they were being nice, I honestly didn’t know how to react. But because of how they’ve treated my mental health in the past, like it’s irrelevant or like I’m making it up, I can’t even talk to my therapist about it now. I’m so scared of telling anyone my problems now because of how they’ve been treated in the past.
I don’t know at this point. I feel like I’m exaggerating everything and I don’t know how to handle this and it’s just… not fun.