It’s been 111 days since my relapse and I’m starting to get a very strong urge to do it again. It’s been in the back of my mind for a few days now and it feels like it’s coming to the surface pretty quickly. I don’t want to relapse again. Despite the emotional release that instantly follows, I know what comes later. The disappointment in myself for relapsing, the shame I feel when the cuts are visible. The guilt for causing my friends pain when they find out. I don’t want to feel those things so I know I shouldn’t relapse, but I’m starting to do the same things I did before my last relapse. I’m starting to get withdrawn, I’m overthinking things on a whole other level than normal, I’m entering a low and I can feel it. My brain is having a debate on whether I should plan to relapse soon or not. Right now the planning side is winning, but I don’t want it to. I want to stop feeling like this. I thought I was done feeling like this. I want to be over this, over cutting, over the debates, the thoughts that plague my brain at night when I’m trying to sleep, I want it all to just stop! I want to make progress at some point ya know? I feel like with every close call I’m not making any progress towards getting better. I don’t want to be consumed by this. But the dark days are coming, I can feel it, and I’m scared. I know I’ll have friends by my side, but I’m still scared about the fact that I might not even reach out because I’ll be convinced that they hate me or something wild like that. I don’t know if writing this post is even gonna do anything, but here we are. Might as well try something to get my brain to be quiet. I just…I want to get better. I want to be better. Right now though…the promise of “better” feels like a lie.
Those first couple years can be hard as hell trying to quit, but if you stand strong and don’t give in it eventually loses hold. The first year is the hardest, and the drug will try it’s best to take hold again. It wasn’t easy dealing with all the things that made me want to escape with drugs as well. Also, healing isn’t linear, and you may stumble on your walk to healing and recovery so take it easy on yourself on this journey. I am 23 years clean, despite the horrors I went through along the way.
Hey i have a history of selfharm i found music to be a big healer in my life its a way to express your pain, but i will admit seeing my self bleed was way more satifying im sure its the same for you so i picked up sketching while listing to music p.s. it doesn’t matter if you cant sketch, the more you express your pain on paper and you can kind of put it on the paper instead of putting it on your body…theres nothing wrong with you, it does get better trust me keep up the effort. Much well wishes for you