I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to push myself to spend time with others. Especially my family. I ran into a friend that I haven’t seen or talked to in awhile and a part of me wanted to say we should get together or we should text but the anxiety of having to fulfill that just sent me running (figuratively). With my family, it’s even harder. I moved about 40mins away a year ago and it’s been a struggle for me to go visit my family. I manage to visit at least once a month but I feel like maybe that’s not enough. Then the guilt sets in. I began to feel like this is all in my head I don’t know how others feel unless I ask and that I’m reading too much into things and vibes. What I feel is that why would they want me around anyways? Im such a downer and I’m always exhausted all the time. (I work 10hr shifts graveyard) I use that as an excuse often, like I just did now. My sister says I never answer the phone but she barely calls me, my relationship with my brother is non existent and my relationship with my nieces and nephew I feel is dwindling. My relationship with my mom is great, I just don’t think I’m good enough, ever. She makes such efforts to spend time with me and most times I shut her out and I don’t know why. She was recently widowed and is still grieving. She wants to go out for dinner or lunch or to shop. It’s rare but I manage to do at least one of those things with her. I wish I wanted too be there more (people say if I really wanted too I would) It’s just so draining. I can’t understand why everything is so draining. I’m grateful I can manage to make it to work but after work I’m isolated. Solitude, which I thought was a best friend is now an enemy. But I can’t escape it it’s my comfort zone. It’s overwhelming the guilt I feel and reading over this more guilt ensues because I know I’m just being self centered. It’s a never ending cycle. I want to be better I want to feel better.
You sound like an introvert, therefore find it difficult to be around people, especially when you’re tired. There is no reason to feel guilty for being the person you were created to be. I am very much the same way. When I was single, I would go for weeks without talking to anyone except as necessary at work. Truly, nurturing relationships as an introvert is rarely easy. And I really can’t imagine trying to maintain relationships while being burned out from work. In fact, whatever interactions you have should be acknowledged as heroic efforts.
It also sounds like some of your avoidance is based on not feeling “good enough.” Based on that, there may be a subconscious assumption that your presence around others is an imposition. In reality, your presence is a blessing. Guilt is emotionally draining, therefore when you think about interacting with others while feeling guilty, the thought of interacting will also be emotionally draining.
You are writing provides evidence that you are a very thoughtful and sensitive person. Your company is so welcome, that people will resort to using guilt tactics in hopes of spending time with you. While you are feeling like a wet blanket, others are comforted by your presence.
Why all the guilt? Do you also feel guilty about feeling guilty? If you met another person who was very much like you, and living under similar circumstances, what would you think of her, and how would you treat her? I am pretty sure you would try to comfort and support her, and urge her to let go of the guilt. There is no reason to feel guilty. There is no reason to allow guilt to drain you of emotional energy. You are doing your best. If your survival depends on not doing a lot of visiting or interacting, so be it. Without dealing with omnipresent guilt, you might find it easier to interact with others.
By the way, welcome to the site!
Stay in touch, Wings
Your post is so well written and so expressive…
If going out in person is difficult, especially if you’re exhausted from work, would it be possible to write little heartfelt notes for your friends and family?
At home, in your own safe space, would it be possible to write (message, a letter, write it on a trinket and mail it) something meaningful and send to them?
Then ask them, gently, kindly. You sound like you have a great support system.
Some of my best hangouts that I remember years later have been a 2 hour grocery adventure, one store lol. We just crawled through a new store, gawking at items, deciding what to buy, and just caught up. It was low-stress, fun and we went home with one or two new stuff to try out, which led to future pics and recipe sharing etc.
If going out to meet your friends and family is difficult, how do you feel about them coming closer to your home for a visit? Would you be okay with your friends coming over for a fancy tea session? Let them bring some sandwiches and snacks, and you can provide cups, hot water and tea bags, and just have a chill session at home? (Genuinely asking, not sure if that sounds like a horrifying idea to have people in your private space)
From: lovecraft-pilled
You are working so hard to worry about others and it’s admirable to want to help other people, however you need to make sure you’re also taking care of yourself. Self care is extremely important. In order to help others you must take care of yourself. I think you’ll find when you take care of yourself and your emotional need’s, you’ll be able to help the people you love. Always remember your own mental health matters and always will.
From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hey Friend, thank you for your post, I can relate to a lot of what you have written or should I say I in my past I certainly could have and back then I was in the midst of depression and life was really hard and a lot of people really didnt understand it. I am not saying that this is what you are dealing with but I do think if you have not been to see your Doctor for advice then it might be worth checking out, if by any chance you are depressed they can help you or it could be that you have some sort of nutritional deficiency and that can be helped too. Either way you are clearly overdoing it and need to work on how to take care of yourself as much as you worry about others, I hope you feel better soon friend. Much Love Lisa xx
Thank you very much for your welcome and encouraging words. I never thought that while I’m in the presence of those close to me that I am possibly subconsciously feeling guilt. Now that I think about it, it is true. It makes sense honestly, it’s very hard for me to be present in the moment. It’s almost constant that I feel hesitant to go and when I do go I have the urge to leave because I feel out of place. So many contributing factors. It is quite overwhelming speaking about this and coming to the realization. I do want to thank you for your reply, it’s given me insight on what I need to address with my mental health.
Thank you and I appreciate your meaningful suggestions. I would have to step out of my comfort zone a little bit if I want to make progress so I’ve definitely taken your suggestions into consideration. It is quite terrifying I’ll admit but I think writing heartfelt notes or even a text is doable.
you can start a journal, and as the thought comes about a friend, write it down, draw a picture, find little stickers that capture the feeling, or if it’s an online journal, get a gif or meme that captures it! Don’t force yourself to do more than that, if it’s too much But capture the thought, and document it.
The later on, when you look at the journal, and when it feels a bit easier, you can take a picture of that entry in the journal and send that as a message too! This would break up the act of sending a message into two separate parts, maybe that can help too?
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