I feel like I've lost myself

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since my sexual assault. I feel like it just happened, and that it happened ages ago at the same time. I know I haven’t responded properly to this trauma, but I don’t know how to. I’ve tried crying, I’ve tried getting angry, but I’m not feeling much of anything right now besides wanting to get back to normal life for me. I’m going back to work on monday because i can’t afford any more time off. I wonder if that’s when I’m going to break. When I walk in and see his face, and remember what he did to me. I wonder if I’m going to be able to keep it professional and talk to him about work if I have to. I wonder if I’ll cry and scream and panic, or if I’ll just be silent and shut down. My hands are shaking as I type this, but I have to give it a try. I’m looking for other jobs, but in the meantime, as I said I can’t afford to not work any longer. I’ve been off way to long as it is. I’m thankful HR gave me a leave of absence and kept my position for me.

I don’t know how to feel. I don’t feel myself. I’m carrying on like nothing is wrong, but inside me I know something has died, or broken. I can feel it, but I can’t express it. I feel like my body is cracked and everyone can see through it. I wonder how people view me now. With pitty? With disgust? With disdain at what I’ve done? The girl once filled with fire and light, now smoldering with smoke and being choked into blackness. I feel charred…




I want to say that I am extremely sorry for what has happened to you. I cannot imagine how bad that must’ve been for you. I do know what it’s like to be traumatized. You don’t feel the same after that. You didn’t deserve to be treated the way you did.

Is there anyone at your workplace that you can talk to? Seems that this assault if I understand right, has not been reported. I think It needs to be reported. Working alongside this person is a no-no. Don’t let this result in their favor, let It be on your terms instead. Get with people you can trust at work, your boss, allies, HR, It doesn’t matter. But do It today if possible. Tell them the truth and give details in writing. Then report It to proper authorities. Otherwise this will result in the way you thought It out - letting your Fight or Flight kick in. If this workplace doesn’t care for its employees in this matter and other occurrences have happened with this person or others have done It, then I think working here is just wrong. I’d sue the crap out them if they did nothing. How can anyone get on this way?

A terrible thing has happened to you and you feel mixed emotions right now. You feel violated and torn up. You might feel like It was your fault perhaps. You may feel like you are worthless and unloved.

Listen to me: You are loved.

I want to leave you with this song

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I know you understand that I have understood this feeling. I would suggest somethings to you.
If your HR department knows everything that happened let them know you cannot handle interactions with the person. If they don’t you can tell the, because of actions outside of work or tell them what happened (I know that some places will actually try to hush the victim so that is an outcome you should be aware of)
It will be hard but if he comes to you for anything ask him to find someone else to ask, you can almost hiss it out if you can’t hold back. Acting any ruder may cause an issue.
You have have lost a part of the woman you were before, you had something taken from you and your heart and soul are still recovering. If you have told any friends or family about this please let them know these feelings and ask them to allow you to lean on them as you recover and heal.
If your flame is weak right now please take from mine, use my strength as you need it. You aren’t alone in this and you have my strength as well as others in this community. We will stand behind you as you recover from this. I am thinking about you and sending you all the love I can.

Love you Hbus


My dearest friend I am so sorry. I know sorry sounds like what everyone says but i mean it. I would NEVER wish that experience on anyone. I am so sorry you are struggling with this and it is an understatement to say the least but it is okay to struggle with all you are about to face.

So I want to know how your reported this and done steps to insure the safety of you. Maybe that could help make it easier to go back to work if you have safety steps in place to help you be ready. I know easier said than done but it can helpm even the idea of carrying things like peoer spray and what not can help.

There is also something to say if you do habe to stop and cry and that is IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. Dont be mad or upset at yourself for having issues because they are apart of this life isnt broken you arent broken.

I want to go into the subject of feeling broken and like a million pieces. There are two songs I listened to on repeat. First is broken girl by Selena Gomez. And second is vultures by dayseeker. Both of these helped me through a past trauma that happened too me. I struggled mentally emotionally and so much more sometimes we need to stop and be reminded that it is okay to be broken and that we are here. You arent collection pieces you arent broken because someone made a choice that was WRONG and not okay. What this person did does not make you a broken useless thing it makes you a loved and cherished person in need of so much more. I dont see you cracked I legit sat reading this crying because I hate hearing this happened. I hate knowing someone I care so much hurts. Ambrosia you to me are inspiring. I sat today remembering the kindness I have been shown by you. I remember at warped tour and we went through a crowd and after wards you turn to me and check that I am okay. THAT is what I see not broken pieces not cracks. I see a loving human needing their people. I care deeply about you and I am here.

Please do not hesitate to message me ever I am here for you. I care and I love you deeply.

Love always Ash

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I love you sweet friend. You honestly shouldn’t have to talk to him. I know not everything is all handled yet. So if for some reason an interaction just has to happen, keep it minimal and to the point and then get away from him. Is a restraining order something that is worth looking into? I’m not sure how this would affect your job.

How much does your boss know? I feel like if they knew the details that this guy wouldnt even be kept around? Its so confusing. I can totally understand why you would feel the way you do.

I hope that you are able to refind that light sweetheart because you yourself are SUCH A LIGHT. You are such a beautiful human being. I know these traumas and how hard it is to refind yourself and relearn how to be yourself and function. Which is part of why I reached out. The first time I sought out help, it was so intrusive. It was awful. The experience of coming forward was traumatizing all on its own. Later, I didnt even come forward with my assaults. I was terrified. I was in a terrible environment and just didn’t know how. For me just trying to block it out felt easier. Which isn’t even true.

It does. It messes with you. But seriously, I am always open to you if you need to just talk about it. Even if you just need me to listen and dont want a response or advice. I’ll just listen. Whatever you need. Because I know what these experiences can do to a person. And I know its different for everyone. But something that is the same is…it sucks going through it alone. And feeling like people dont get it.

I am here for you. You are strong. You got this. If at any point, if you need, Id even exchange my phone number. If you needed a quick number to text or call in a moment of anxiety or stress.

Love you girl

I can’t even imagine what that must feel like…I’d imagine you must be be afraid of what will happen. However, I encourage you to avoid contact with this person as much as possible. In all respect, you deserve the space and permission to feel. Getting to that point is challenging when dealing with trauma. Please continue reaching out and potentially seeking out some form of therapy to help you feel normal or alive in a sense. It won’t always be like it is…keep going. You matter and we are here for you.