I’m just here looking for advice… Please be kind and don’t judge…
Over the last few months I have had this nagging feeling that something was going on with my boyfriend but I couldn’t put a finger on it. It seemed to be getting better but I just couldn’t shake the feeling. One morning I was sitting on the couch and his phone was right there… I know going through your partners things is a breach of trust and I shouldn’t have done it but I thought if I just looked and found nothing I could put my mind to rest and shake off these feelings. But the opposite happened. Earlier in the summer (when these feelings started) he had been texting another girl… She worked at a restaurant he goes to regularly for his breaks. As I read the messages I was initially filled with pure rage. But as the dust settled I felt my heart breaking. He said to her the same cute little things he used on me, he made some sexual references with her, and he flirted with her. I addressed the issue with him as best as I could through my tears. He says he never saw her outside of the times he was at the restaurant, he says he has no feelings for her, he says it was just flirting and he only did it because “we were going through a rough patch” and he was feeling insecure. This girl has moved away and he unfriended and blocked her after I asked him to. But I feel so hurt and betrayed. I feel like even if it wasn’t physical this was still cheating and I can’t stop crying. He doesn’t see it that way. He doesnt think what he did was cheating. He apologized and promised to not do it again and even said he was willing to do what it takes to fix our relationship but wont admit what he did was cheating.
Am I wrong? Am I over reacting? I love him to death and I don’t want this to be the end of our relationship but I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t understand it. I would never do that to someone I love and in my eyes it is cheating. How do I deal with these feelings with him? I’m just so lost and confused.
As stated before, looking for advice
Man, I’m so sorry you’re in the middle of that…that’s absolutely brutal to feel like your heart was so fully his and then completely crushed by this instance…sucks so bad, man…
It sounds like what you’re looking for is for him to admit that he “cheated” – not because the word matters, but because you want him to admit to the gravity of what it felt to you.
For him, it sounds like he’s really afraid to call it that because he doesn’t want to take that on…cheating is a big deal, and he doesn’t want to admit that’s what he did…it does sound like he’s repentant, like he apologized and promised not to do it…the question really is – is his heart truly sorry? Does he make you feel valid and like he wants to make things better?
If not, it’ll be really hard for you to trust him moving forward…if he doesn’t value your heart in that way, doesn’t pursue you like that, it’s going to be hard for you to feel safe again.
I think you’ll have to gauge it – if he seems genuinely repentant, then maybe you just need to embrace what he’s given you and accept his apology and choose to forgive him even though he doesn’t call it the same thing you did. If his heart is in the right place, then maybe give up on trying to get him to agree on what to call it. But if his heart seems defensive, like he doesn’t want to help you move past it, like he doesn’t want to validate what you felt, I think you’ll have a harder time moving on because it’ll be fearful as to whether or not he’ll do it again, or if your heart hurts this deeply that he’ll be caring to help you.
I think only you can make the call, but I would recommend looking at his heart and not focusing on what he calls it…admitting that I’m a “cheater” would be really hard for me to do as well.
Thank you. It does help. I never really thought about it as feeling the gravity of it by using a word but it makes sense. I know that he is sorry and he is trying to make me feel loved and valid. I dont know if its my emotions being over whelmed or my over thinking anxiety or both. It just keeps running through my head and I dont know how to stop it so I can really forgive him.
I have been through this in two marriages. Only you know if you can really forgive him long term, and that is an answer that never has to come overnight, it will take time. For some it’s days, other’s it weeks, for many it may be months or years. Look at it this way, it’s like a cut. The cut heals and sometimes it doesn’t scar, other times that scar is there for a short time and fades, but sometimes that scar just will never go away and when you see it you remember what happened.
What happened will always be a part of your relationship. That has to be accepted by both. Not an over reaction by one (not saying you are at all) and an under reaction by the other. Both have to meet in the middle and agree on 1. What happened 2. That it’s acknowledged and accepted. 3. That you both can move on together and let it make your relationship stronger.
Also, cheating isn’t just sleeping with someone. Mental, verbal and emotional cheating is a real thing too. Those types of cheating can hurt deeply as well.
I can’t give you answers, but I can tell you that I have walked in your shoes with many relationships over my lifetime. Some were fixable and others were not.
In the end I trust that you can and will make the best decision for you and your life when the times comes to make it.
Big virtual hugs being sent out to you today. It’s not an easy path to walk, not one you asked for but let this situation make you a better and stronger person for having to walk it.
Speaking from experience with similar situations, it’s a red flag. My boyfriend now would NEVER flirt with another girl, or compliment her. He respects me. I honestly hope he means it when he tells you that he won’t do it again, and that he doesn’t have feelings for her, but chances are, he will do it again. I know it’s harsh, but no one should even occupy his mind if you are 100% what he wants. I had a boyfriend that I was with for 4 years that would constantly message and snap chat other girls, claiming that they were just friends. He was always sneaky with his phone, and I never knew the lock code. I never trusted him. Phones can literally be so destructive in a relationship. You honestly shouldn’t even want to look through your partner’s phone, because you should have that must trust with them. And it’s not your fault if you don’t trust them. Trust is earned. If you decide to continue your time with this boy, it will take a lot to trust him again. Even if he doesn’t do it again, you will always wonder in the back of your mind if he is. You will always have that urge to go through his phone just to double check. It will make you on edge and insecure. It’s so hard once trust is broken. It’s honestly really hard to overcome it.
