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I feel like my emotions are tearing me apart


#1

Im not sure where to start. Im stuck in an apartment with an abusive person. I have no money to leave, no family connections, no friends in rl that I can turn to. I suffer from bpd which makes having lasting connections hard.

I put everything into writing stories/role playing with others has a distraction but I feel isolated. I met someone online who in a few months became my best friend and then we both fell in love. I’ll call him R. He is polly though and i’m not but try as I might I couldn’t stop my feelings. Unfortunately due to misunderstandings i ended up freaking out when I saw him sexting someone I didn’t know about. I vented to a couple friends in the community but this made things worse as he no longer felt welcomed even though the three I vented to never talked to anyone else. Something I can understand, since you can never be sure people aren’t talking about you.

Despite that we reconnected and took things romantically. But then he needed space and it became hard to communicate for two weeks. During that time I’ve been suffering with my roommate and reached out to other rp communities to distract myself. Which R saw as me being untrustworthy because I made a storyline so I could ship a character after he said he didn’t want me doing so on my main character. During this conversation when I said I’d drop it all because it’s not important and I only rpd out of boredom he compared the situation to me finding his sexts. By the end of the conversation R tells me he also loves the girl he was sexting romantically.

Im upset, because I know I don’t get a say in it. She’s going to be apart of it whether I want her to be or not. I feel betrayed, unjustly told I was untrustworthy and like I put so much feeling into someone who didn’t value or love me in the way i did for them. I have nothing else to distract myself with, cause the one thing I thought was good isn’t.


#2

I’m probably the last person to tell you it’s going to get better because I’m dealing with a lot of things at the moment but I know what it’s like to be stuck in a building (living with someone that is abusive) and I know what it’s like to have all this emotion inside of (if you can call emptiness a feeling) I ask myself all the time if I am better off dead… I just found this website today…so know that I understand personally what you are going through.


#3

Thank you. It’s good to know I’m not alone.

I just feel overwhelmed by everything. Small things become mountains, things I enjoyed are unenjoyable and now I feel like I have no one to trust or talk to anymore after this incident with R.


#4

I understand truly I struggle with trusting people… I lost the interest in things I used to love


#5

@Hopeful Epiphany#3068 Man I’m so sorry to hear that – it’s so brutal to invest so much hope and so much of your heart into someone who ends up so flippantly tossing you aside for another woman whenever he so chooses to be romantically involved with someone else…that’s just so freaking brutal…your sweet heart…I’m so sorry that you faced all of that rollercoaster only to end with it crashing in a heap of metal and smoke on the ground…he was wrong to blame the breakup on you creating another character – that’s him making some bullshit excuse to do what he wants…you “not doing what he asked” is not the same as him being unfaithful to you…and it just pisses me off that he’d try to blame his own problems on you. Don’t internalize that. It’s not your fault. You’re not too much. You’re not too intense. You’re just enough, and it’s okay he moved on, because you’re looking for someone who’s willing to be monogamous to you, committed to you anyways. I know the pain won’t go away immediately, but I want you to know: it’s good you are not with him…it wasn’t your fault…and there’s nothing wrong with you :heart: