I feel like the worst christian on the planet, I hate myself

Ive been christian most of my life and I Just feel like the biggest failure ever. Ive tried to be better but always seem to fail.

I’m deeply lonely. I put on a good face if I’m around other people, and Ive learned how to act in order to be social ,but I never truly get to be myself. I feel like underneath my exterior I’m just broken.

I don’t handle my loneliness in a healthy way, I tend to watch porn and then feel horrible about it afterwords, then I try to go to far in that direction to not feel guilty and just watch more of it and want to do so shamelessly, but in the end I Just feel more ashamed. How could someone ever love me like this, I’m a fucking mess. I don’t know why I even bother trying anymore.

I just wish I could be open with someone, I wish someone could know the whole me (good and bad) and accept all of me, even the parts of me I feel guilty about.I’m tired of trying to do the right thing and failling. Even when I succeed I feel horrible, when I fail I feel horrible. There is no wining.


I was raised a Catholic, but at the hands of more than one Catholic, I suffered a lot, including abuse and molestation. By the time I was a young adult, I came to believe it was impossible to be a Catholic without also being a hypocrite. That’s because the expectations of the religion (as it was taught to me), were impossible to fulfill. The standard of purity required to “go to Heaven” was impossible for any human to maintain. So, I looked around at my fellow Catholics, and decided they were all acting a role of piety that hid their actual thoughts and feelings (pathologically delusional people excluded).

Eventually I came to understand that many “christian” denominations promote these impossible to live by standards, hence their memberships are living with either shame and guilt, delusional self concept, or suppressed shame and guilt. Meanwhile, they are pretending to be living by the impossible rules. Having been born into such a culture, one would be convinced they were bad/evil, and should be ashamed.

If you are being honest with yourself and face your flaws with courage, you’re already one of the better Christians on the planet.

The Essence of Christianity is acceptance, compassion, even beyond forgiveness, the absence of judgment, empathy, and the willingness to nurture others on their path to wisdom and increasing capacity to love.

There is nothing unacceptable or unlovable about you. In a world where people are committing all manner of offense toward each other, and even themselves, by comparison, porn watching has about the same significance as having an extra piece of apple pie.

If you are so obsessed with porn that you skip means and don’t pay your bills, then you have an emotional addiction to deal with. You won’t resolve anything by shaming yourself.

Here and now, just as you are, an authentic Christian will accept and love you, and will help you deal with your issues with compassion and grace. That’s because you’re both worth it, and deserve it.

Let go of the shame and guilt. It’s actually making it harder for you to transcend those parts of yourself you want to change. Guilt and shame undermine the confidence needed to make positive changes.

Don’t hate yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat others.


From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ (Discord)

Hi @WakaWaka I hope you’re doing ok, please let us know so we can support you more if you need. We accept all of you, even the parts that you “think” people don’t like. ~Lizzy


From: Lisalovesfeathers (Discord)

Hi Wakawaka, Thank you for your post, its been a couple of weeks since you posted and I wondered if you were now feeling any different? In your post you were so very hard on your-self, you consider yourself a failure at almost everything you attempt to do and I personally don’t think that, that is the case or even possible. I am so pleased that you wrote this to us here so that you can be assured that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you whatsoever. I do understand feelings of loneliness, I have lived alone for many years and although I am ok with that it can get difficult at times and I get what you mean about putting on a good face for people, I think many people that have issues tend to do that so that they are not asked awk-ward questions. None of this makes you a failure, it makes you someone who wants more from life and is now reaching out and trying to do something. I am proud of you for opening up but I wish you were not so self-deprecating, you are a human being. I encourage you to find a good counsellor to talk to, really open up about how you feel as you have here, I think you would find it very helpful. You can win and you can have a good and happy life. We are here for you friend, whenever you need us. Much Love Lisa.


hello there, I hope you are doing well since your post!

One thing about the watching porn part that stuck out at me is that you recognize that it is driven by loneliness. I’ve noticed that a lot with persons who are struggling with this habit - they are feeling lonely for a prolonged period and craving human intimacy and connection. Sadly, porn tends to show only one type of intimacy, and doesn’t show the other ways people convey their connection and affection, and this makes it harder to apply any “learnings” from this sort of media.

I’m deeply lonely. I put on a good face if I’m around other people, and Ive learned how to act in order to be social ,but I never truly get to be myself. I feel like underneath my exterior I’m just broken.

Who does this benefit? Not you, because hiding your pain has not made you a better or happier person. Is it benefitting your loved ones? No, because our loved ones want us to be happy for real, not pretending. They want to help, as best as they are capable of, to support us and make us share our feelings. Your community? Prob not, because you’re so consumed by pain and loneliness, they surely notice it somehow?

Do you have hobbies? Are there groups you can join in that share these hobbies? Online groups, twitch streams, etc? Is there anywhere you can go out and socialise more, hang around folks and try to be friendly with some other people?

We’re here for you. You are loved and worthy, and certainly you have something to contribute to the world. Don’t let these struggles define you. You are more than your struggles, and we love having you here with us!

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Hello my friend you are not the worst Christian on the planet. We all struggle with our faith some more than others. I have felt this way alot of the time.

And Spotify
The links I have posted have been ap helpful resource to help me

Hold fast


Hey there @WakaWaka. I know this was posted awhile ago but I hope you’re doing better, if not, that’s alright. I just have a few things to say, coming to you as a Christian myself. There’s nothing you could do to be a failure in the eyes of God, He is full of endless love and forgiveness for you.

God loves you as you are, there’s nothing you could do to make Him not love you.

“Come as you are” is a beautiful saying and it’s not just for people new to the faith. It remains in place for however long you’ve believed or haven’t. You can always come to Jesus no matter where you are in life, no matter how broken, or how much of a failure you feel like. His arms are always wide open waiting for you.

I’d reccommend getting in touch with a pastor, or a leader of whatever denomination you’re apart of. They can help you in whatever you’re going through related to faith.

I can tell you with 100% certainty that you’re not alone, you’re not a failure, and you ARE good enough. Your life has more worth and value than you could ever know. I hope and pray that whatever journey you’re on right now only has good thing to offer you down the road. This will pass and it will get better, friend. You mean the absolute world to me and don’t ever be afraid to ask for help or reach out on here. Much love. :heart:



Hey friend. I identify as a spiritualist christian and only start to come to terms with this qualification after decades of feeling like wandering aimlessly. I generally avoid spiritual/faith discussions like this as I just feel inadequate and a bad christian too. Though it is also because my heart resonates with your feelings that I just wanted to step in and tell you that you are far from being alone.

I have always felt unworthy of love and too broken to even consider being loved unconditionally. To me, God has always been a distant presence that only others had the right to feel and embrace. Once I described to a friend in this community that it always felt like looking through a window. People seem happy, confident and loved on the other side while I sit alone outside as who I am wouldn’t allow me to enter there. When I go into a church by myself just to find a bit of peace, I feel like I don’t belong, like being there is a mistake because I am too broken and too dirty, and that God has to know it very well. I feel like if I happened to be part of a christian community, I would only end up being seen as not belonging because of who I am.

It is hard to wrap our head around the fact that God’s ways and love are not us to decide. I believe he knows how we feel about ourselves too, that he understands the complexity of such feelings and only wants us to see the love and healing that are also available to us. No matter how broken we feel. No matter how distant and guilty we feel. It is during these times that grasping the core of his unconditional love is the hardest, but also the most profound and powerful. We often fall into the trap of projecting what we have learned from other people, the humanly rules and codes regarding what is good oror bad, onto what God actually holds for us. It is challenging to remind ourselves that God welcomes us with open arms and with all of our brokenness. Because it’s not about Him. It’s not about being a good christian or not either. It’s not about living up to standards that we think we should aim for. It’s only about our ability to give ourselves the grace and forgiveness we need in order to see ourselves with the same care the He does.

Every part of you is worthy of love, and is loved fully already. I believe in you and in your ability to learn to open doors made of love and care, rather than closing them because of guilt and shame. You are loved as you are. You are beautiful as you are, through the qualities that you own and the failures you carry with you. You are not fixed in time. You are a constant work in progress. This, my friend, is the beauty and strength that you own within you each and every day. :hrtlegolove:


This is true about you too, we love you @Micro


Hey sorry Im just now responding. I don’t really feel much different, quite the same. there is a lot of lonliness still. I feel very unwantable.


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