A lot of my friends tell me that my life could be a movie with everything that’s happened to me. It just always seems like there’s some sort of chaos brewing around me and I don’t know why. I don’t know if God is making me stone for the sins of my ancestors but my life has kind of been one big shit show. If it’s not my health, or someone in my family being sick or dying, it’s me just being a beacon for sleazy guys who disrespect me. I know bad things are part of life but it feels like a disproportionate amount happen to me. And I’ve tried keeping a brave face through it all but truth is I’m so tired and I’m only 20 like I’m on the verge of total apathy and when something good happens to me I’m just waiting for something else in my life to go wrong. And I don’t know how to stop it
Hey @cxbachx,
This sounds exhausting, I’m so sorry. I hope you know that you are loved and valued in this community.
I know I used to always hate when people would say this, but have you tried counseling? I know for me when I finally gave it a shot I found so much freedom in just being able to process things with someone with an outside perspective.
Hold Fast my friend, there are better days ahead.
-SJ
@cxbachx I’m sorry that you have been a state of reaction for so long. It’s tiring. To constantly be on edge or dealign with something hurtful for such a long time… I can only imagine how drained you are feeling. And piling grief on top of everything only makes the burden heavier 
I’m so sorry to hear that you are unable to enjoy the feeling of something good happening without worrying what will go wrong next. I’ve felt that way before and it led me towards apathy and trying not to enjoy things or feel happy because I was worried it would cause something to go wrong. It sucked. Have you ever considered meditation? It helped me break cycles of downspinning or getting overwhelmed after a few weeks of practice and helps so much on days when things are all out of whack.
I can tell you that God is not punishing you. You are not the cause of these terrible things.
You ARE going to be able to be happy one day. You will be able to rest when you are through all of this. My hope for you is that you will be able to take each day at a time. This period of chaos will not be forever.
Thank you for reaching out on here. We are here to listen whenever you need to share.
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