I feel like total trash

[Z1833]

Really. I mean it.

Living in a foreign country, which I don’t want to leave because I have got here my little comfort zone in terms of financial stability, and also I am far away from toxic family.

Apart from that, anything else is like poop. I am ashamed, that when friends are calling me out, I can complain about literally everything and cry out. Like, you know, I have no idea why are they even trying to do this to themselves…

And it’s not like that all the time, but for a few months it’s rather my every day (with some exceptions) than something that happens rarely. I had some issues in the past, gone through different therapies which have not helped at all, but when I left my origin country it was almost perfect - only to see, that it’s happening again.

You may ask, why I actually think like that - well, I am really bad at making any closer-than-friend relationship and seeing all the friends getting children, being married or at least proposed is making me feel like an outcast. I would like to have somebody to talk to and cuddle all the time, but every time I feel like I am getting closer, something is happening. Either the girl finds somebody else, who is much more confident with sharing his feelings, or just being friendzoned.

Also, something that hit me few years ago, with significant escalation one year ago - when I moved here, I have started getting myself in better shape than before - going from 125 kg down to 85 kg, which I believe was huge achievement for me. Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with a permanent disease, which took me off away from having weight based trainings, leading into hated by me cardio stuff. When I finally pushed myself (after getting dangerously close into 100 kg zone), I had another hospital stay, when I passed out for a few hours - it occurred, that I have also some another disease, and as doctor described it to me “it’s better to stop training at all”. Right now I am over 105 kg, which is destroying my remaining self confidence.

I can’t find motivation for anything - cleaning my apartment, cooking food (so I am ordering it and usually it ends up with some KFC, which my body doesn’t like to burn at all), putting more attention into my personal projects that I am doing - instead of that, after 9 hours of work, I am starting playing some computer games for 5-6 hours, watching movies and sleep.

I am wondering how could I possibly find motivation to do that. I feel like if I could get some motivation to become “better” myself, it would also help me with self confidence, but that’s the point - I can’t find it. I was trying different methods, starting from famous habits (keep forgetting about things that I have put on the list after one week), creating day plan with specific hours when should I do things (didn’t work out because always something is happening in between).

It feels almost like an infinite loop, I am sad because I am fat and lazy, and I am lazy and fat because I am sad.

[Wings]

@Z1833

It feels almost like an infinite loop, I am sad because I am fat and lazy, and I am lazy and fat because I am sad.

That’s what’s called a negative feedback loop. It’s not unlike being depressed about not having motivation, and not having motivation because your depressed. It’s surprising how good humans are at creating self-defeating thought patterns.

Lack of exercise leads to tiredness. Tiredness can make a person feel lazy. Laziness can make a person feel tired. Without knowing what your medical conditions are, I can’t say anything useful about your physical limitations. I think you would benefit from a consult with a nutritionist, also getting more than one opinion regarding your medical status. As a longtime nurse, I have rarely seen anyone who had no options available for exercise. The doctor may want you to stop “training,” but may be able to offer an alternative form of exercise.

10 years ago, I was in way worse shape than I am now. I couldn’t walk a block without experiencing chest tightness. Over the years, I have gained and lost a ton of weight. My hemoglobin A1c was in the diabetic range. My blood pressure was up, as was my cholesterol. I had Lyme’s disease undiagnosed for 20 years. I decided to follow the advice that I have been giving my patients for many years, which is to avoid anticipating anything negative occurring healthwise, simply on the basis of a statistical or medical prognosis.

10 years later and 10 years older, I’m actually in much better shape. I also lost 45 kg and have kept it off for 10 years.

Disease and health management approaches are improving all the time, so what you’re currently facing is not the end of the story.

If you’re going to do KFC, remove the skin.

[ranma1983]

I’m so sorry I hope things improve for you. I know living in a foreign country that’s not your own takes time to adjust and to get use to. I wish you the best and pray you are doing well.

[Z1833]

@Wings @ranma1983 Thank you for such words - even though, I have not shown it before, it helped me a lot during bad days.

Just to catch up, if anyone cares. On the beginning of June I have started therapy and am continuing it till now. It gave me hope, that everything’s not that bad and also helped me realize, that my mood shifts are related to one toxic friendship - when I finished it smth about one month ago, on the beginning it was very hard to cope with it, but right now I feel great.

I came back to my hobbies (game designing, electronics DIY), bought bike and started trainings, decided to change an apartment to have more space for work and hobby set-up (right now I have everything in my bedroom, explaining why I had such issues with sleeping - my previous post has been sent at 3:30 AM of my local time).

Dropped few kg’s, planning to start with cooking food when I move to the new place (in current one kitchen is very small, like 2 sqm).

So yeah, right now everything is on a bright side, even though I still need to improve with all the social stuff (my therapist said that it can be social anxiety, that is triggered by specific factors - we have even segregated all the social life aspects that I’m struggling with, and now will be working on it).

[Wings]

I’m very happy for you! Congratulations on all the positive progress.