I feel like trash and it’s eating me alive

So I’m really having a hard time right now. I was dating this guy for those of you that have read my previous posts. He was on house arrest and our relationship was really good until they told him that he was going away. Since he was on house arrest he started getting really rude and angry plus he’s bipolar and he would start lashing out on people. So he started mentally and emotionally abusing me and everyone around him, but I was already numb from dealing with previous mental stuff so I didn’t really care. Then when his time was coming up to leave he progressively stopped talking to me and it drove me nuts because I had been there for him through everything and he didn’t even let me say goodbye to him. And everyone else was allowed to. He never even broke up with me. Then I seen a video on this girls Instagram of them hanging out and I asked him about it before he left and he told me that they were just friends and that me and him were just friends and I was like uh no I’m your girlfriend and he was like I’m going away so why does anything matter so I said because I care and he said you don’t know me and I said yes I do I’ve been here for 6-7 months I know you and you’re not a bad person you never were. That was the last I heard from him all summer. Then he contacted me in the beginning of September and apologized for screwing me over and then basically told me he had a girlfriend. Well it wasn’t even a relationship because it was just to fill a void and she never went to see him anyways and never talked to him, and they never had any feelings for each other and she was dating a bunch of guys over the summer anyways because I knew her. We ended up getting back together even though I didn’t want to rush it. He showed me that he changed and we had a lot planned out for when he got home. Every time I prayed to God about the relationship I kept feeling like I was getting pulled away from him so I just kept getting angrier and angrier because I didn’t want to lose him again. So I began to get extremely angry with God and began to become extremely depressed. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I started taking pills to make myself feel better and began to cut myself again and I haven’t done that for years. I became so depressed that I almost killed myself a few weeks ago. I ended up breaking up with him because of what it was doing to me and because I felt that God didn’t want us together. Honestly, that messed me up even more because I never wanted to hurt him and because I still love him so much. My counselor was concerned because my thoughts are in a never ending cycle so I ended up getting sent to a Behavioral Health Unit for a week. Now apparently I’m not allowed to talk to him anymore or anyone that’s connected to him and it’s driving me nuts because I don’t want it to be like that. I never wanted it to be like that. I keep blaming myself because if I never got back together with him, none of this would be happening and it’s all my fault. I sat here for 6-7 months trying to get him to open up and tried to show him so many things that previous girls took away from him. I tried to show him that not everyone leaves in your darkest times, I tried to show him true love and everything by always going out of my way to be there even when I wasn’t okay and by going out of my way to do things for him and get things for him when he couldn’t. And now because I broke up with him he shut down all over again. I feel like such a terrible person because I hurt someone that didn’t deserve to get hurt again. This wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t get back with him. If I just left the relationship where it was he wouldn’t have gotten hurt. It’s like everything I did was for no reason because now I’m just another girl that hurt him. I don’t know how to feel anymore.


Firstly: it is not your responsibility to fix someone else’s mistakes. You are not a healer, you can’t fix the damage that someone else did. The only person who can heal us is ourselves

Secondly: getting angry at yourself when it was extremely toxic to you is not healthy. You deserve so much better

Thirdly: you cannot blame yourself. You are in this toxic spiral that stems from this relationship and the reason they are banning you from contacting him is because they see how much it is hurting you

Sometimes we need other people to tell us when our choices are just harming us when we don’t realize it. Nothing about this relationship has been good for you and the more energy you spend on it, the more tired you will feel because you are not getting the same effort in return. Your best chances of healing are to just step away from that person and stop basing your value on that relationship. You deserve so much more

I just can’t stop feeling like a terrible person and can’t stop feeling like I messed everything up. It’s also because he’s showed me how much he’s changed and has been doing a lot since we’ve been back together for two months. I just keep feeling like if I didn’t get back with him, all of this wouldn’t have happened. I feel like the bad guy.

You’re not the bad guy. You are just dealing with a lot of anxiety. When people are in toxic and abusive relationships, they blame themselves for everything that went wrong. That’s exactly what the toxic person wants. Don’t be toxic to yourself by continuing to put yourself into a bad situation.

This is not your fault. The way he acts cannot be controlled by anyone but himself. It sounds like he was abusive toward you in the past, and I’m so proud of you for getting out of that relationship because I’m sure that was extremely difficult. I know you want to talk to him and be there for him, but it’s important right now that you focus on doing what is healthy for you. I can tell you are an extremely caring person, and your compassion is inspiring but right now he needs to find love from someone else, and that’s okay! Please don’t blame yourself for what other girls have done to him, or for this breakup. Sometimes people just aren’t meant to be together. I’m praying for you. Hold fast.

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But I AM the bad guy. I broke up with someone that I love so much and that loves me so much too. He’s changed so much and he’s acknowledged all the wrong things he’s done to me and has been trying to make up for it. He said the reason why he acted like that was because he was trapped and in trouble with the law and that I never deserved to be treated like that. He hasn’t done anything toxic since we’ve gotten back together. That’s why I am the bad guy. :disappointed:

But that’s the thing, he hasn’t done anything abusive or toxic to me since we’ve gotten back together. And I didn’t leave him when he was being toxic to me the first time we were together. That’s why I feel like it’s all my fault because I got back together with him and none of this would have happened. And now I AM the bad guy because I broke up with him. I love him so much and he loves me so much. I just feel like such a terrible person because of it.

@alenatbow14, you tried, and you can’t be perfect. It’s okay to make these mistakes, love isnt never easy. Even the bad guys are going through stuff, and don’t deserve eternal hate.
We believe in you. This won’t last forever

Just because you feel regret about something does not mean you are a bad person. Sometimes the thing that is best for us is not the answer we want. Just becaus whe acknowledged that his past actions were bad does not mean he has learned from it, he is using excuses so that he does not appear to be at fault for his own actions. You cannot see how toxic he is being because you are blinded by your emotions. Nothing about this relationship is healthy and you are wasting your energy trying to rip yourself apart over it. If you look at it from a logical standpoint - everything about him has hurt you. It hurt you to be with him, be away from him, and get back with him. You are trying to blame yourself for your hurt but he is the problem