I feel like walls are closing in

Hello everyone,

I recently discovered this site and after reading a bunch of posts I decided to sign up and share. I feel like such worthless garbage even though my life on paper sounds extremely great. I have a high paying job, I have a supporting family and an amazing girlfriend. HOWEVER, I hate my job and I feel like my relationship is going to shit. Starting with my job, it is high paying but I couldn’t care any less about it. I’ve been fighting for my dream job and just yesterday I was offered the chance to help out with that team so I’m seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. On to my second issue, my relationship is what is draining the life out of me. My girlfriend is one of the nicest, most caring and smart girls I’ve ever known, which writing this makes things worse for me. I feel like such a coward for not being able to break up with her. I’ve been with her for 5 years and lately things have reach a tipping point. I am no longer in love with her and it makes me feel like a shitty person. Moreover, every time I drink my true feelings come out and I just get pissy for no apparent reason, which makes my situation worse the next morning. My dad did the same thing to my mom and divorced her 25 years into their marriage. I don’t want to end up like this but I feel like I’m more like him the older I get. He got married to someone he didn’t love and in the end became a horrible person to his whole family. This lead to my father being financially irresponsible and leaving our family poor. Now I feel like I must secure my mother financially for retirement since she is close to reaching that age (hence my high paying job that I hate). Every day is a constant reminder of how weak and pathetic I am. Every day is a constant reminder of how I might turn like my father. I feel like I have no mouth and I must scream.

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You are not weak or pathetic. You are not doomed to be the same person your father was. You are doing your best with the cards life has dealt you.
It sounds like your job situation is turning for the better. That’s a great thing! Your new position sounds like you’ll be able to work on something you can be passionate about. That sounds like something to look forward to.
It is a hard thing to break up with someone when you’re doing it to save them the heartbreak for later. It’s a difficult conversation to have when the other person has been nothing but good to you. I hope that you can tell her how your feelings towards her aren’t how they used to be and that she would be able to see that splitting up may be for the best even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

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Welcome to the community, and thanks for reaching out. You are in no way alone in these struggles and you have people here to support you.
I am truly sorry to hear about your current troubles, and I hope you can eventually face them. I have also been in the position of making decent $$ but it also felt like I was selling my happiness in the process. I am one who believes money IS NOT EVERYTHING. I quit a well paying job just to survive as a person. And I know that in 2019, the idea of money is of utmost importance to most. But that doesn’t mean it has to be YOUR reality.
In regards to your wife, I hope you can eventually communicate the distance growing between the two of you. Honesty is always best, even if it’s difficult.
Well wishes friend.