I frequently have boughs of anger in which I seem to loose control of myself and self harm and/or scream to let out pain and anger.
It usually starts with remembering something that happened that was very hurtful and unfair, a situation where I felt powerless and taken advantage of. Initially, I sort of get frozen and stare blankly but then a few minutes later, I feel a need to let it out or make it right but I can’t change it so that’s when the self harm and out of control behavior starts. I later feel ashamed and like everything about me is wrong.
I want to stop this but I don’t know how. The situations that trigger it are ones where I was mistreated or bullied by people and there was nothing done to stop or correct it for the most part and they’re over now so I can’t do anything about them.
I’m so sorry you’re suffering with these thoughts and feelings. Having those memories of times when people really hurt you is so hard to handle and sometimes we don’t know what else to do, so we try to cope with them ourselves. You don’t deserve hurt, you don’t deserve to feel guilty or ashamed either.
It sounds like you’re trying so damn hard to handle this by yourself.
Are there people in your life who maybe know you’re struggling with these memories or struggling with harm? Nothing about you is wrong, I promise. You’re hurting inside and while I hate that you’re hurting inside, we acknowledge that being not okay doesn’t make you any less valid or loved.
No there isn’t anyone in my life who knows right now. When my mom was around, she knew I struggled with it at times and would tell me not to hit myself. But now there’s no one who knows.
Hi Bobohobo,
thank you for reaching out.
what helps me often to get my mind cleared out is to write it out. what you have written out is not in your mind for
a time and can not haunt you back stronger. when emotions are getting involved things are getting more and more
complicated for yourself.
are you seeking some form of a therapy or a self help group ? to share and also gain experience, talking about that
all helps a lot. if you aren’t but maybe searching you could take your notes with you then.
the mind repeats, what your heart can not delete. always being reminded of your past is hard, but nothing of that
is your fault, you are not alone in this. you are loved and you matter most 
Being mistreated is can cause so much hurt in ourselves, especially when we hold it in and don’t really find it easy to open up. I’m glad you found this space safe enough to share!
How would opening up to a professional feel for you? Maybe start the healing from those past hurts?
Of course it’s not always easy and it’s okay if you’re not ready for that.
Sometimes it helps to redirect that anger in a purposeful way, sometimes that could look like exercise or making art. Outward expressions of anger aren’t necessarily bad, it’s just how we display them. If we use assertion rather than aggression to fuel our needs and help calm us. One thing my therapist encouraged me to try was to remind myself that the people who hurt me in the past can remain in the past, they don’t ge to dictate my future. It’s not easy to allow yourself to take control, it does take practise.
After my burst of anger would be expressed in running as fast d far as I can and then taking time to calm myself by slowly walking back and taking in all the things around me that are in the present. Hopefully that could help!
Hi Friend
It must be very hard to not be able to control your anger, I cannot imagine how that would feel, I have such a fear of loss of control that it affects my life greatly so the feeling of being powerless is one that I wont even contemplate. Anger is one I think a lot of people have a problem with because of both memories of bad things that have happened to them and of course the way things are today and how hard life has become for many.
I would certainly encourage you to look in to anger management or therapy if you havent already for the long term and for the short term at the point of anger I have found a website of ideas of how to calm yourself in the moment that you can take a look at if you like. I hope its helpful to you.
I truly wish you well with this. I would love for you to stop the self harming and be in control of yourself more because with that comes some peace for you. Lisa. x