I am not doing ok, I have lost everyone, friends and family due to a Narcissistic Father, Narcissistic Brother and a very toxic/Narcissistic ex girlfriend. My Mom passed on 7/27/20 and she was my best friend and the one person who no matter what cared and loved me and wanted me to be happy and she always did everything in her power to make sure I felt safe, loved and when I was in emotional distress it pained her to see me that way. I have had anxiety since I can remember. I suffer from anxiety, depression, chronic pain, substance abuse, and PTSD. After my Mom passed I lost touch with reality and dove head first into a very destructive lifestyle that I had already begun when she was still alive. I began hustling to make money, I was in a very abusive relationship with a very toxic person, I eventually was homeless living in my uncle’s garage and my car with my dog Oliver. I finally found housing through my cities housing program after being on a waiting list for 9 months and was super excited because I thought that getting my own place again and having a place to call home would be the answer to my problems. Turns out it wasn’t and now I am in this cycle of waking up everyday with horrible anxiety and depression. I spend most of my days rethinking about the past when my Mom was still here and how much happier I was, watching motivational videos on YouTube and other videos about healing from a toxic relationship and from a toxic family. I have such bad anxiety and physical pain that I find it almost impossible to do anything productive. I have reached out to many of my so called friends and family members and was totally honest about how I feel suicidal and depressed with mostly being told I am over reacting and I need to get a job and stop being so emotional or with no reaction at all and that was to be honest even more hurtful especially coming from people I thought would always be there no matter what. When my Mom passed my life changed so dramatically that I am at the point where I feel as if I have almost lost my mind due to the fact that everyone that once was a very big part of my life, isn’t anymore. And I feel like I did something wrong that I can’t remember or dont understand. I am reaching out to find support to be able to keep going and to find myself again. I was once a very optimistic, joyful, funny and compassionate person. And now I see myself as a very lonely, depressed, pestimistic, sad, ugly, individual. I am trying so hard to find a little glimmer of light that will give me some hope but I am not seeing it. I am broke, alone and in a place in my life where I know I have many strengths and I am smart and capable of doing many things but I literally can’t get motivated or find a way to even begin crawling my way out of this what I feel like as almost my own grave. I am loosing hope by the minute. I need help. Someone, anyone, please help me…
It sounds like you have experienced a lot of physical and emotional trauma. It’s admirable that you have survived, and continue to reach out for help.
Are you receiving therapy? If not, I think it would be good for you to seek some out. Most communities have programs to help those in financial need. Keyword search mental health services in your area, if you’re not already hooked up with someone.
And you thought those people would always be there for you no matter what. The problem is, they are not qualified to understand your needs. As far as they are concerned, they actually are being there for you. Their frame of reference is based on self projection-thinking about what they would do in your place. However, that kind of thinking is tragically wrong and it makes your situation worse, not better.
Pain, anxiety, depression, PTSD, codependency and addiction has made you into a different person. It might be hard to believe, but I’m pretty sure that eventually all that hardship will serve to make you a better person. However, those people who were a big part of your life haven’t adjusted to how much your life has changed and maybe they won’t be able to make that adjustment fully.
That is still very much a part of you. Hardship has suppressed that part of you but I guarantee, it still exists.
You have already demonstrated motivation by reaching out here and very effectively describing your situation. Could the next outreach be a phone call, either to get a mental health referral or if you have an existing provider, explain what you are currently dealing with?
Hope is rebuilt minute by minute, in very tiny increments. A simple action such as washing the dishes and feeling that little bit of satisfaction, can help you make the next minute’s positive move.
Please stay in touch!
Thank You so much Wings for all of the uplifting comments!! I really do appreciate it. It’s nice to know that there is a place to actually talk about this.
I see that glimmer and I know that it still exists in you!
How can I say that? Let me tell you:
- Because you’re here with us
- Because you may this absolutely wonderful and moving post
- Because you were brave enough to make the post and put those big feelings down into words
- Because you were courageous enough to press “enter” and share it with us.
- Because you literally are able to say “i need help”
I am so immensely proud of you for this. Life has been full of hurt and challenges for you, but you are still here with us. Your mom sounds like she was a wonderful bright and comforting light in your life, and when that light isn’t here, it throws our life a little bit. But you are still that person, all those traits and characteristics that you had? They still exist, they might be a little dusty and a little rusty over the years, grief and loss do that to us.
I see your glimmer, it is quite bright. I see you said you have a dog and you finally were able to get housing, those are solid things to have in your life. Wings made some good points earlier about accessing resources and assistance, and seeing what’s available to you.
Keep using this space too, I’m glad you’re here with us! You’re loved and you matter, your life has worth and value.