I feel so guilty

[midarii]

I have about 2 friends, I’m a really quiet person. One of them lives in a different state, while the other goes to my school. Naturally, I would talk about the other to both of them, and they eventually wanted to meet eachother, so I introduced them to eachother. It was so perfect. We were the most iconic group.
Then they decided they liked eachother and wanted to start dating, so they did. This kinda hurt me because I had a little bit of feelings for the one in another state, but I brushed it off and stayed happy for her. Then, she started a lot of unnecessary drama and was really mean to people for no reason, then blamed it all on her trauma or whatever.

I don’t even know what to do anymore, I just feel guilty. She keeps telling everyone that it’s not her fault, it’s theirs, and she won’t stop creating big scenes. But she really IS struggling mentally, and I don’t want to lose her as a friend because we’ve known eachother since diapers.

Not only that, but if I said I didn’t want to be friends anymore, she’d probably ki// herself.

What do I even do?

[Micro]

Hey @midarii,

Thank you so much for being here and sharing all of this.

It’s a tough situation, indeed. But first off, know that you’re not guilty in any way. You’re a good friend. And the fact that you’re looking after a way to do what would be right and fair shows how much you care. Besides, you are not responsible of your friend’s attitude in any way. It’s heartbreaking to hear that she’s really struggling right now, but it’s not your fault.

Right now, based on what you describe, it sounds that your friend tends to lash out some energy and emotions that she doesn’t know how to process differently. If you’re willing to support her, I’d suggest you to try to find a way to talk to her, during a moment of calm and peace. Invite her to slow down, let her know that the door is open if she wants to talk in a calm and collected way, but without pressuring her to talk either. The decision of sharing about what’s going on is up to her.

As a friend, and especially since you’ve known each other for a very long time, you can try to listen to her, without any judgment, also so you could understand what’s going on. If she mentioned a trauma at some point, then this is very important to acknowledge, because that would make her attitude far from being a “drama”. She might need safe places where she could be heard and understood. It is possible that she’s not in a position of understanding what’s going on inside of her, which can sometimes be like this storm of emotions that make someone push others away. Of course, the ideal would be to talk with a therapist, but a first step could be to talk to a trusted friend, then seeing a professional. It can be a goal to aim for, but progressively.

However, it’s important to protect yourself through all of this too. Please keep in mind that you can help as much as possible, but ultimately this is about her, her life, her struggles, and those are not your responsibility and burden to carry. You can be a loving, caring, inspiring person with your attitude and your words, but the process of healing will need to be done by her - with the help of others.

Eventually, if you feel like communication is stuck between you, maybe suggest her to come here on the Support Wall and to share her heart. It’s sometimes easier to talk to strangers at first while remaining anonymous.

Through all of this, take care of yourself too. Take care of your heart. You matter, and how you feel is important too. Keep us updated, friend.

[Wings]

It sounds like she has both inner conflict and denial in relation to it. Sometimes emotional trauma can lead to a person both desiring and fearing emotional connection. At the same time, she may not really know what’s going on internally.

It’s okay to tell her that although you care for her, you have a hard time dealing with the drama she creates. At the same time, when she’s being reasonably calm, perhaps you can help her sort out her feelings. It would be nice if you could somehow convey to her that if her behavior is the fault of others, that means others are controlling her, and if that is true, she cannot choose how she reacts to what others do. If she will not take responsibility for her own actions, she will be blind to the possible choices she could make that would improve her life.

It doesn’t sound like, at least for now, that she would be receptive to the above concepts. If you try to force her to understand, she just might blow a mental fuse. Maybe she can understand that others should not be punished for her past trauma.

There is no reason for you to feel guilty. I suspect that whatever problems she has, would be a lot worse if you were not around. Still, it’s okay if you don’t want to be around her bad behavior.

Some people really seem to be addicted to drama. If conditioned to be around it during early childhood, a person may have a subconscious drive to manufacture drama, as though life is not complete without it.

I am a quiet person too, and always have been. For that reason, I attracted the drama of my family, as though they felt more peaceful when they disturbed my peace. However, I really think they were trying to escape their own lack of peace. I’d put up with it for only so long, then I’d leave.

Because you’re quiet, you are probably more emotionally mature than she is. Still, she might be able to push your buttons and bring you down, even when she doesn’t mean to. Therefore, while she is bouncing off the walls, it’s important for you to keep your cool.

Something else might happen-if the romance ends, so might the drama. You never know.