hello, i just discovered this forum and i wanted to share some stuff. i’ve been having a really hard time lately and i just feel really alone. i was homeschooled during my last 3 years of high school, and i didn’t have any friends for those 3 years. i thought i would make at least one friend when i got to college, but my first year is ending soon and i still don’t have one. i kinda forgot how to interact with people since i isolated myself for so long, and i get really bad anxiety when speaking to people. this pandemic has also made my situation worse because everything is even more isolated. i feel like such a loser because i’ve been stuck in my room for years except for when i go to work, and seeing my family go out with their friends makes me feel so bad. i’ve had no motivation to do anything recently and i’m falling behind on school work, i’ve also been taking days off work more often. i’ve even thought about just ending it like i’ve tried to in the past. i should probably talk to a professional about this but therapy hasn’t really worked out for me before. i cant keep going on like this though i feel so empty i don’t know what to do. -eli
Hey @catnap
Welcome here and thank you so much for reaching out. I think it takes a lot of courage to come on here and tell people what is going with you in your life and how you feel. I can tell you that you definitely came to a good place to talk, because we listen and don’t judge people for things they do or don’t do.
I think a lot of people can recognize the situation you’re in. Especially with the pandemic, the isolation seems to grow even further, but I can also see that you would love to have more people around you and that is really hard especially when you’re shy by nature. If I can share a bit about myself, I have been locking myself up for the past years too and it can be really hard to get out of that cycle. I went to the things I needed to go to, but after a while I didn’t see the use of that anymore either.
It’s not easy to be stuck in that feeling, but it doesn’t mean that you’re stuck in it forever. The way to get yourself moving is to do it and to be proud of yourself for doing it. Do you have a balcony or a door that leads outside? If so, can you do something for me? Open that door and stand in the doorway for a bit. You don’t have to go outside, you don’t have to say “hi” to people that come by or even look them in the eyes, just stand outside for a little bit. Breathe in some of that fresh air and be proud of yourself for doing that, because that already takes strength! Tomorrow you can do it again, and then maybe the day after that, you take a walk outside around the place you live in, creating small steps to get yourself out of that room, creating motivation again to go out.
You take steps with communicating with other people too! You talked here, which is already a huge step! Heartsupport also has a discord and if you feel comfortable, maybe you can check it out too, no pressure to talk or anything. I said it before: we’re a community in which we don’t judge, so it might be comfortable to talk there too! I don’t know how you feel about communicating online, but for me it helps sometimes because it’s less “in your face”.
You say you work and go to school. Can I ask you what you are studying? And what are things that you love to do for fun and to relax? Over the years, I’ve learned that it’s also important to create a little bit of time for myself, that way I can be more productive again later! I personally love to read, make music, create art and go for walks to enjoy nature and just stop time for a little bit for myself. Most of those things are things I enjoyed doing as a kid, but somehow I forgot that I enjoyed it. It might restart the motivation a bit again, because sometimes we can just get worn down by everything we need to do and just a little bit of a break can work wonders!
Now the last thing I want to talk to you about is this:
I would be lying if I said that I never thought of that. Heck you can even find some posts on here in which I openly admit to having those thoughts, but it’s not the answer. I know you’re hurting and I know that it might look like you’re not leaving much of an imprint on other people’s lives, but that could not be further from the truth. People will always notice when you’re gone and they will be hurt because of that reality. You have value, you are loved, you are strong, and you are important.
You have value, because of the simple reason that you are human being. There’s nothing more that you need to do to have value, you exist and that’s already enough.
You are Loved, once again because you exist and there are so many ways that people might show you that you’re loved. They can give gifts. They can listen to what you have to say and really listen, not immediately dismissing it. They can talk to you, they can appreciate you for things you do for them or simply for being there (yes, appreciation is a form of love!).
You are strong, because you survived 100% of your bad days and even though you are shy, you reached out here and posted a message!
You are Important! No one in the world knows how important they are. People won’t tell you if your smile made their day better or if you treating them like an equal made them feel empowered, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen. You also have an impact to the people around you, even if you don’t realize it yet, you do. And it would be such a shame to see that influence and impact go away because you’re hurting and felt like you didn’t belong. Simply because it’s not true, you do belong! You’re important!
Please if you feel this way again reach out to a crisis line. I would post 1 here if I knew which country you were from, but I don’t and you don’t have to tell me. Just please find the number and safe it, in case you need it. It’s better to be safe then sorry.
You’re loved, You’re valuable, You’re strong, You’re important.
-Nyntje
@nyntje thank you so much for replying nyntje, it means a lot. I did decide to join the discord and hopefully ill get the courage to talk in there soon. in response to your questions, I’m studying biology. I love to crochet in my free time but I recently was diagnosed with tendonitis, so I haven’t been able to crochet as much as I used to. I also love reading too but mostly manga and I also like to make art! I want to thank you for your kind words and encouragement, it made my day better. I hope you’re having a lovely day/night - eli
I’m so glad to hear you say that and really proud of you for joining!
And thank you for answering my questions! this way we get to know you a little better, which also takes a lot of courage, my friend! I’m really sorry to hear that you have tendonitits and that you can’t crochet as much anymore, but I’m sure that when you can do it you enjoy it even more now. What are the things you like to crochet? (I’m a knitter myself so anything you guys can do with just 1 pen is magic to me!)
Also who said that manga isn’t reading? It’s so beautiful and has such great stories and is a great way of storytelling! I can see that you already have a lot in common with a lot of people I know and please feel free to share some of your art in discord too if you are feeling up to it! There are so many people who love to make art and I haven’t seen anyone be mean about another person’s art in there.
Part of building a friendship is to share what we’re passionate about. We can talk about it for hours and be proud of each other for the things we’ve achieved! Wishing you well!
-Nyntje
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